Not Without You
by Grissom1
Summary: What would have happened if Grissom had gone after Sara...another GSR tale...yes there is angst and romance and drama and.... read for yourself.
1. Chapter 1

**Not Without You**

**Note: **I've been busy busy busy but I thought I would try to release a story while I scamper around on my trips. While I don't own CSI... in my alternate universe I do so here is another take on Sara and Grissom. This is set sometime after Sara and Grissom's relationship has been discovered and Sara leaves. Now, what would have happened if Grissom had gone after her and what really made her leave?

Let's begin the story...

She sat there in the back of the taxi and told herself she wasn't really leaving. In a day, she would return to Vegas and she would suddenly appear on his doorstep and bang on the door until he opened it. She fished out her key ring and found that it was missing several keys now.

_No key to his office…left in his desk_

_No key to my apartment…even though I lost my apartment months ago_

_No key to the townhouse…left in his locker _

_No key to his vehicle…left beside the key to the house_

_No key to my vehicle…left on the counter in the house_

She stared at the key ring now void of all keys except one. It looked like any ordinary key except it wasn't. She kept it firmly in the palm of her hand. It was borrowed. It didn't even belong to her but she had taken it the moment it had been offered to her and had kept it. It had been in her possession for over a year and she was certain the owner did not remember leaving it with her and she prayed it would remain that way.

She closed her eyes shutting out the glare of the lights and the endless parade of faces on the sidewalk and knew that one of them would become a casualty causing the only man she ever loved to work a double on the night she decided to leave him.

She gulped down the lump in her throat and once again kept to the lie she was telling herself.

_I'll be back tomorrow…._

_Maybe in a day or so…._

_I just need a break…._

_I just need Grissom…_

She was startled when the taxi driver shouted she had arrived and she stepped out. She stood there while he took out her suitcases and then once he received his cab fare, he disappeared. She stood there trying to find the correct boarding spot and walked away briefly to assess the distance. She turned and found her luggage now gone and she cursed.

_No clothing…_

_No medications…_

_No personal items…_

She held onto her laptop and the carry on and told herself she could replace the items stolen once she reached her destination. She stood there now and stared at the airport. She had been here before. It seemed so long ago since she came to Las Vegas in search of Gil Grissom. Now she was leaving.

She took a deep breath and headed for her destination.

She checked the board and saw that her flight would be on time as she sat there in the airport staring at the passengers coming and leaving. She glanced at her watch and told herself if she hurried she could beat him home. She told herself that he probably had not noticed that she had already left and the note still remained with Judy. She told herself that if he had read it he would have already tried to call her but then her cell phone was now the sole property of Nevada again and there was no way to reach her. She was on her own.

She heard the calling of her flight and she stood with the other passengers and formed a line. She glanced a time or two expecting to be taken aside at any moment and accused of abandonment. With each small step she felt that fear envelope her and her knees threatened to buckle from the weight of the unknown that waited her at her destination. She wasn't sure how she made it inside the plane much less sitting now in her designated seat. She closed her eyes and fought back the urge to lock herself into the bathroom compartment and scream as the plane took off.

She had never been a fan of flying but yet there was a little sense of familiarity to this plane as she remembered the case in which the team had investigated a mob attack at twenty thousand feet in the air. It had been a strange case and now as she sat there quietly gripping the seat she wondered what would happen if she suddenly burst into tears and told them she was deathly afraid of thunderstorms as she heard the rain beating against the small window pane next to her.

She closed her eyes and forced herself to think of something else and prayed the plane would soon be in the air or else she would find herself sitting in the airport while the plane continued to San Francisco without her. She tried to ignore the tap but when it grew more persistent she opened her eyes and stared at him intently.

"You like the window seat?" he asked.

"No."

"Mind if we switch?" he asked.

She looked across and saw that the seat next to him contained a young man who was trying to sleep as well. She stood causing the man in the aisle seat to have to stand and once the seats were exchanged, she quickly sat down and found both of the arm rests now inhabited by the men. She folded her arms about herself and closed her eyes once more. It was the glint of something shiny that caught her eye and made her look next to her. It was a gun. The man shut his jacket quickly and they glanced at one another.

"Air Marshal," he said in a whisper.

She nodded her head and groaned when they announced the flight would be delayed. She got up quickly and ran to the lavatory and rushed inside. She sat down and forced herself to take a deep breath but the rain continued and the first clap of thunder sent her out of the door as she scrambled to the exit that remained open. She stood there a moment and contemplated what she was about to do but the lightning reinforced her decision to flee before she was escorted off the plane for screaming.

There seemed to be a scuffle inside the cockpit as she slipped out and made her way back into the airport. She cursed when she realized her laptop remained in the plane and she turned to go back for it when the door was shut as two security officers came rushing up to stand guard in front of it.

The explosion could be felt and suddenly she was running away as the security officers scurried down the hall to join the other officers at the entrance. Smoke billowed from the plane and she knew there had been a major explosion. She smelled the smoke and the fumes. It reminded her when the lab had exploded and she glanced down at her palm where the scar still remained.

She clutched her one remaining luggage, her purse and she headed back to the main entrance. She stood there and waited for a taxi when a woman came to stand next to her. The explosion had startled her memories into overdrive and now she wanted nothing more than to get away from Vegas.

"Been waiting here for twenty minutes for a rental car and have yet to see it," she said.

Sara stood there looking over her shoulder.

"You okay?"

She nodded but said nothing more. She glanced down at her palm and rubbed the scar. Greg could have died that day. She could have been seriously injured if she had been inside with Greg. Instead she had been on the other side of the glass wall. She had been following Grissom but as he continued on his errands throughout the lab that day, she had given up. She could still hear the echo of the explosion in her head.

The woman's voice brought her back.

"You familiar with Las Vegas?" the woman asked.

"Where do you need to go?" asked Sara. Sara knew the area. They had worked a case once or twice.

"It's nice there," she said. Sara rattled off the directions as the lady stared at her.

"You wouldn't be heading in that direction, would you?" the woman asked.

"Yes," lied Sara.

"Want to split the rental expense?" the woman asked.

Sara stared at her.

_This is where I say no thanks…_

_This is how abductions occur…_

_This is why I'm burned out…_

"Sure," said Sara as she stepped into the car when it appeared several minutes later. She would be out of Vegas soon. Anything was better than here.

Grissom ran his hands through his hair as he read the letter over and over. He stood there and wondered where she could be at that moment. He reached for his phone and dialed her number. He could hear it ringing inside his desk. He quickly opened the top drawer and found her phone along with her copy of his office key. He jumped when he heard Brass's voice at the doorway.

"Hey, I heard about the big smooch today from Sara…what's wrong?" he asked coming further into the room. He handed the letter to Brass. He glanced up once it was read.

"This doesn't sound like Sara," he said.

"She gave it to Judy before she left. Jim, I'm worried," he said.

"Maybe she's at the townhouse…I could send a patrol car over there," he offered.

Nick tapped at the door and quickly came inside.

"Griss, is there any reason why Sara's name tag from her jacket was found in the trash can in the locker room?" asked Nick.

He handed it to Grissom.

"You guys made it official already or something?" he smiled.

Nick's smile faded when he looked at Grissom.

"Is Sara okay?" he asked suddenly.

"She may have left," said Brass. "Did anyone talk with her this afternoon?"

Nick shook his head. "She seemed a little odd but then she's been a little out of sorts since she started the new shift."

"Nick, check the locker room and see if you can locate anything else that might have been left behind. Be sure to check the inside of her locker," said Brass.

"Sure…what am I looking for?" he asked.

"Anything out of place…unusual," said Brass.

He disappeared as Grissom stood there staring at the floor.

"Want me to put out an APB?" he asked.

He shook his head.

"I can have the uniform officers to do a drive by of the townhouse," he said.

Grissom said nothing but then nodded.

Brass picked up his phone and made the call.

Hodges came running to the doorway. "Have you heard the news?" he asked.

"What news?" asked Grissom.

"There was an explosion on a flight headed to San Francisco this evening. A disgruntled pilot locked himself up in the cock pit and blew the plane up on the run way. There are several casualties," said Hodges.

"How did you hear about it so quickly?" asked Brass.

"I have a friend who is a pilot," said Hodges.

"Looks like we're going to be working all night," said Brass to Grissom.

Nick came hurrying back. "I found her boots in one of the trash cans. Her car is parked outside. Ronnie found her jacket inside her locker."

He handed it to Grissom. He stared at the make shift name tag now in place of the one that had been ripped off.

"It's her handwriting," he said.

Brass's phone rang and he answered it. He glanced at Grissom. "No one was found at the townhouse."

"Since her car is here, she would have gotten a ride from someone or called a taxi," said Brass.

"Airport," said Nick quickly. "She would have gotten a taxi if she intended to catch a flight."

Grissom stared at Brass. "The plane that exploded was headed to San Francisco."

They were hurrying now as they headed toward the airport. He rode with Brass as he called ahead to the airport.

"We need a passenger manifest for everyone on that flight," said Grissom. "Good. Go down the list and see if there was a Sara Sidle…"

He looked at Brass. "Where was her seat?"

Brass quickly sped up.

Grissom hung up the phone.

"Where was she sitting?" he asked.

"Near the cockpit. The Air Marshal was sitting in the same row…he's dead," said Grissom.

"Gil, the Feds may not let us on the plane," said Brass.

"This is Vegas jurisdiction," said Grissom.

"That means bullshit when a Federal Marshal is dead," said Brass.

They arrived to utter chaos as the airport was under lockdown and despite their badges it took several minutes before they were given clearance to enter inside. They quickly made their way to the plane and were stopped by Federal Officers.

"We're calling jurisdiction," said the officer.

"Do you have a list of the survivors?" asked Grissom quickly.

"Yes." The officer handed him the roster and he handed it to Brass.

"Is it possible she was taken to the hospital with injuries?" asked Brass.

"They're listed with the survivors…there was one person who could not give us their name…it was a male….he was burned extensively and is not expected to make it."

Brass looked at Grissom. "Have you identified the victims?"

"We have to confirm that through positive ID or through DNA…some of the bodies were thrown from their seats."

"We need to see the victims," said Grissom.

"They're not going to be moved until our crew lands and has a chance to investigate."

"Look, we're not trying to step on anyone's toes…we understand you want to take care of your own but so do we….we had an investigator on that plane…we just want to locate her," said Brass.

The two officers looked at one another.

"We have the list of the seats containing a body." He handed the list to Grissom and he swallowed hard.

"We need to see the body," he said.

"We've confirmed they're dead."

"Please, we…I need to see for myself," said Grissom.

The officer glanced at Brass and Grissom.

"Five minutes," he said.

They started up the steps when Brass grabbed his arm.

"Gil, I can ID the body."

He shook his head and continued.

There was extensive damage to the front part of the plane but they were able to step through to the other side. He stood there now and stared at the bodies in the seats.

"First six rows on this side ….all casualties."

"Sara's side," he managed to get out.

He walked down to the aisle and stopped. He turned slowly and came face to face with the deceased Federal Marshal. He then forced himself to look beside him and the seat was vacant. He found another body in the next seat as he let out a gasp.

"Not her. It's a man's body."

"Maybe she switched seats with the man…Could have gone to the laboratory…hell maybe she didn't get on the plane at all," said Brass.

Grissom started opening up the overhead compartments. He stopped when he recognized the red tag on the laptop case.

"It's Sara's. She was on the plane," said Grissom taking the laptop with him.

They began searching the other bodies as a federal officer appeared.

"Five minutes are up. Did you locate her?" he asked.

"She wasn't in her seat. We found her laptop but she's not among the dead," said Grissom.

"Where are the passengers that survived?" asked Brass.

"They're in a huge conference room. We're keeping them sequestered until we can interview each of them."

"We're going to need to check to see if she's among the survivors."

"You've seen the list already…"

"Look, her name is not on the list of survivors and she is not among the dead here….that leaves the conference room," said Grissom.

They were taken to the conference room and they split up walking by each of the tables. They did another search before exiting.

"She's not in there," said Grissom.

"This doesn't make sense," said Brass.

"She got on the plane because her laptop was on there…"

"What if someone else carried it on?" asked Brass.

Grissom breathed in deeply. "Jim, you can put out that APB now."

Note from author:

So we begin a new story….you know the routine. Leave a review for each chapter. For those that are new readers, I post daily until the story is completed….sometimes I post more than once each day. Welcome!

Take care,

Penny


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two:**

The return to the lab was done in silence as Grissom sat there and watched the rain pour. He went directly to his office and shut the door as he sat there at his desk and opened the laptop. A folder was stuck inside with directions to the home of her mother.

_She wouldn't let this get out of her sight…._

_She had to carry it on board…_

_But then she wasn't on board and she's not among the dead or the living…_

_Maybe Brass is right…_

_Maybe someone else stole it in the airport…_

_Where is she?_

Brass stepped inside and shut the door.

"Greg interviewed several of the passengers and some of them saw Sara get on the plane but they're not sure what happened before or after the explosion," he said.

"So Sara could have gotten off on her own," said Grissom.

"Have any idea where she might have gone if she changed her mind about going to San Francisco?" asked Brass.

"Jim, I didn't know anything about San Francisco….she would go to her apartment or the townhouse…I'm going to go through her computer and see if there is anything on there," he said.

"You could give it to the others…"

"No…I don't want the others going through her personal files."

A knock came to the door.

It was Warrick.

"Still trying to get the surveillance tape from the Feds at the airport but with the bombing, I'm not sure they're going to want to cooperate any time soon."

"Keep trying," said Grissom.

Warrick nodded.

"Griss, you think she's okay?" asked Warrick.

"We don't have anything to indicate that she's in trouble," said Grissom.

"The note," said Brass.

"The note?" asked Warrick.

"She left me a note and told me she was going out of town."

Warrick glanced at Brass but said nothing.

Grissom returned to the lap top and Warrick took it as his cue to leave.

The hours dragged by as Grissom sat there and went through the files. He had searched each of the documents except her journal. He saved it for last. He opened the document and her voice behind the words spilled forth. She spoke of the loneliness and the inability to sleep or rest or eat or make sense of her job anymore. She spoke of the sleeping pills, the counseling visits and the newly prescribed antidepressant.

He leaned back and stared at the screen.

_Where the hell have I've been?_

_Why didn't she come to me?_

_I could have helped her…_

_How could I have helped her when I didn't even see the signs…_

Sara had been drowning for some time.

He felt helpless.

_She's probably felt helpless for months…_

He stood and stretched.

It was going to be a long night.

He lifted his coffee cup and found that it had been empty for hours.

As he walked toward the break room, he could hear their voices. As he entered the room, Nick and Warrick's head shot up.

"What seems to be the problem?" asked Grissom.

"Griss, local police just broke up a fight between two transients. They were fighting over drugs," said Nick.

"Is this related to one of our cases?" he asked.

Nick glanced at Warrick.

"The police officer found a prescription bottle on one of the men…it belonged to Sara," said Warrick.

He handed the bagged evidence to Grissom.

"Did he say how he came up with this?" he asked suddenly.

"He said he bought it. It seems someone was selling things from a suitcase," said Nick.

"Find out the location and get Greg down there immediately," he said.

"We've already done that," said Nick.

"Griss, he found a suitcase and is bringing it in….he thinks it belongs to Sara," said Warrick.

Nick reached over and filled Grissom's cup.

The long night was far from over.

They met Greg at the entrance as he carried it in. Grissom stood there as Greg opened it.

"It's hers. I recognize the clothing," said Grissom.

Grissom stepped up and began going through the suitcase. There were no clues found that would lead them to Sara.

"A transient said he waited until Sara turned her back and swiped the suitcase. He says he didn't stick around to find out where she went," said Greg.

Grissom stood there staring at the contents.

"Grissom?" asked Greg.

"Yes?"

"The transient had a previous record of assault and sexual battery. He spent five years in prison and has only been out for about six months."

"Warrick, get me the surveillance tapes from the airport. Tell them we're working on a possible abduction case and we need to see those tapes ASAP. Anybody give you any lip, have them call me," he said as he turned and headed back to his office.

"Never seen him this worked up since the miniature cases," said Greg.

She was surprised when she woke to find she had fallen asleep. The woman smiled and looked at her.

"Looked like you hadn't slept in several days," said Linda.

"Sorry," said Sara as she tried to work out the kink in her neck.

"We're going to need to stop off for gas soon. Want anything?"

Sara shook her head.

"Mind picking up the tab this time?" asked Linda.

"No…that'll be fine," said Sara.

They pulled up to the gas station and as Linda started to get out, Sara handed her the credit card. They were back on the road within minutes.

"So what are your plans?" asked Linda.

"I really don't have any," said Sara not wanting to share any information with the woman. It was not that she distrusted the woman but rather she didn't have many plans established.

They parted ways in the next town.

Sara clutched her purse and headed to a small boutique. She purchased a week's worth of clothing along with personal items. She paid by credit card, handing the card to the woman who seemed preoccupied on the phone.

From the conversation, it appeared to be her boyfriend.

Things were not friendly.

Sara slipped out without making eye contact with the woman.

She thought about her prescription but knew it would be difficult to have it refilled so quickly.

She sighed.

She had planned to try it.

She had to do something.

She could feel herself already slipping further and further.

She rented a car next.

She felt the key deep down in her pocket.

She caressed it.

She headed to the door that it would unlock.

Nick came running into Grissom's office.

"Sara's credit card was used at a gas station," he said panting.

He handed Grissom the printout.

"Any chance of surveillance tape?" asked Grissom.

Nick smiled, "The only gas station within a hundred mile radius that has three working cameras."

"Get them," he said feeling as if this was the first big break.

"State police is on its way to deliver them" said Nick. "Brass called in a favor."

Grissom nodded.

He sat there and tried to slow his heart rate.

_Ninety five…._

_Slow down…._

_Need to stay on top of this…_

Catherine walked in and set down a sandwich along with some chips and a drink on the desk.

"Eat," she said.

He did.

He kept his eyes on the entrance hoping that further news would arrive soon.

It would take a couple of hours but it did.

It was Warrick.

"We looked at the surveillance tape and there is a woman who used Sara's credit card. It looks like she handed it back to someone in the vehicle. We can't get a clear shot of who else is in the vehicle," said Warrick.

"It could be Sara….or someone who has Sara's ID and wallet and knows where she is," said Grissom.

He sighed.

He still did not know where she was.

The news did not make him feel better.

In fact, it made him feel worse.

"We do know that it is a rental car and we were able to get a shot of the license plate," said Warrick. "We're trying to track it down now."

Hours dragged by as he received additional information.

"Sara's credit card was used in a boutique. The clerk doesn't remember anything about the person who made the purchases. It seemed she was fighting with her boyfriend at the time. It was a woman…no further description. She purchased several outfits." said Brass.

"Sara lost her luggage…maybe she's purchased more clothes," said Grissom.

Nick rushed in and smiled.

"Sara rented a car about four hours ago….guy described her to a T. He even said that she was carrying several bags from the local boutique," he said. "The man said she did not appear to be well. She asked about the hours to the pharmacy but then changed her mind. She seemed especially frightened when the storm came through."

"Did she mention to him where she was heading?" he asked.

Nick glanced at the others, "She's still there. She checked into a hotel. Maybe she's sick….or waiting for the storm to pass."

He sat down in his chair letting the first news of her settle his nerves.

Note from the author:

Thanks for the warm welcome back. Please continue to leave a review while I continue to work on another story. Some have asked how long and once again, I have not finished it but you know me, I will as soon as you catch up with me. (I'm on chapter twenty…"

Take care!

Penny


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three:**

"She's been afraid of thunderstorms ever since she was left in the desert," he said softly.

He looked up at them. "She used to have panic attacks. She hasn't had one in awhile."

Grissom pulled out a map and laid it across his desk.

"Griss, could I speak with you alone?" Nick asked.

Grissom looked at the others and they stepped out.

"I think I know where she may be heading," said Nick.

"Where?"

"When you went on your sabbatical, Sara seemed pretty depressed. She mentioned a few times to me how she would like to get away from the lab so I gave her a key to a villa my parents own in Sante Fe, New Mexico. I meet my parents there on special occasions. She never went but I told her to keep the key and if she ever needed to get away, she should go."

Grissom grabbed his jacket.

"Where are you going?" asked Brass.

"We located Sara. She's staying in a hotel for the night. I hope I can get there before the storm clears so I can talk with her," he said.

"Want me to have the local sheriff there to stall her?" Brass asked.

Grissom hesitated. "No."

"Keep in touch," said Brass.

He drove for the next five hours refusing to let the storm slow him down. His mind raced back to the images of the bodies on the plane.

_It could have been you…_

_If you hadn't gotten off.._

_Why did you get off?_

_Why didn't you talk to me?_

_I would have helped…_

_I would have never let you go…_

The rain continued to pour when he arrived in town. He had already been given the number to the hotel room and now he was parked in front of it. A rental car sat in front of it. He breathed in deeply as he stepped out into the pouring rain. He knocked on the door several times but there was no answer.

_She's not going to open it…_

_It's part of her CSI training…_

_It's not safe to open a door without knowing who's there…_

He continued anyway hoping she would look out the window.

The room was silent.

It frightened him.

He called the room and prayed she would answer.

He could hear the phone ringing from inside.

As he was about to give up, she answered.

Her voice was barely audible but it was hers.

"Sara, open the door," he said.

"Grissom?"

"Sara, it's me," he said.

It opened.

He stepped inside quickly feeling the water drip from his body. She stood there staring at him unsure if he was really there.

He had rehearsed this moment over and over in his head.

_I'm here…._

_I'm not going to leave…_

_Honey, I'm sorry…_

_So sorry I didn't help you…_

_Let me help you…_

_Don't shut me out like that again…_

_Don't you ever say goodbye again..._

He felt his hands enclose around her arms and she came forward to accept his embrace. It was not an embrace she got.

His hands clenched down hard on her arms and he shook her.

"What the hell do you think you were doing?" he yelled.

Her expression was one of shock.

She was not prepared for his anger.

She had never seen him this angry.

"Do you have any idea what I've been through the last twelve hours?" he yelled again.

The lightning lit up the room as the thunder shook the motel room causing the lights to flicker.

She would have bolted had his grasp not been firm.

He saw the sheer terror in her eyes at that moment and it brought him to his senses.

He attempted to pull her close but she backed away. For a moment he thought to release her arms but he became fearful himself.

_What if she tries to run…_

_She didn't invite me here…_

_What if she tells me to leave…_

_I never should have yelled at her…_

_She's frightened…_

_Shit…_

Another clap of thunder shook the room and she withdrew even further until her back was against the wall.

"I'm sorry Sara," he whispered. He released one arm as his hand came up to brush the hair from her face and he gently caressed her cheek. His cheek rested against hers.

"Gil?"

"I love you, Sara. I love you so much."

She thrust herself into his arms despite the fact that he was soaked.

"I'm getting you soaked," he whispered.

"Don't leave me," she whispered.

"I won't," he said.

He stood there holding her until he felt her shiver. He stepped back breaking the contact. He assessed the room. The bed was still made and her new suitcase sat on top of it. There was a table and two chairs. He led her to one of the chairs sitting her down and then released her other arm.

"You okay?" he asked.

She nodded.

He stepped into the bathroom and grabbed a towel and tried to towel himself dry as best he could. In his haste to get to her, he had not bothered to go home and pack any clothes. He sat down in the other chair.

Blue eyes stared at brown.

They mirrored the sadness she had felt for some time.

"Where were you going?" he asked.

"Tomales Bay," she said.

"What happened?" he asked.

"My suitcase was stolen at the airport….I didn't bother to report it. I just got on the plane but then the storm came and I couldn't sit there anymore listening to the rain. She found herself looking outside the window now as the rain poured. His hand pressed on hers and she turned to face him once more.

"You got off the plane because of the storm?" he asked.

"Yes."

"It exploded….the plane," he said.

"I know…I left my laptop on the plane. When I turned to go back and get it I saw the smoke. By then security was blocking the entrance," she said with her arms now wrapped about herself.

"It was good that you got off. It probably saved your life," he said.

She said nothing but sat there staring at the floor.

"Where did you go from there?" he asked.

"I shared a ride with a woman. I then got a rental car," she said.

"You got into a vehicle with a stranger? What were you thinking?" he yelled letting his anger return.

She said nothing but retreated pulling her legs up now.

"Why didn't you rent your own car at the airport?" he asked.

"Explosion…it was pure chaos…like the lab when it exploded. I just wanted to get away from it," she said now staring at the scar on her hand.

"I'm sorry. I don't mean… to yell," he said trying to take her hand. She withdrew from his offer letting her arms wrap once more about her. He cursed inwardly at his inability to control his own fear causing his outbursts.

"The storm will clear by morning," he said. "We can leave then."

"Leave?" she asked.

"Yes….back to Vegas," he said.

She shook her head. "I'm not going back."

"Sara…"

"I can't go back. You can't make me."

"I was hoping you would want to come home. We'll talk…I'll help you," he offered.

"Help me? You can't help me," she said.

"I can if you'll let me," he said.

"Go home Gil," she said.

"Not without you," he said.

"I'm fine," she said.

"You're fine? You said you have to leave before you self- destruct? What were you planning to do?"

She said nothing.

"Tell me Sara! I think I'm entitled to know."

His anger returned.

He had not meant for it to happen again.

It pushed her further away.

"Tell me!"

"I uhm …visit my mother…but while I was on the plane I wasn't sure about seeing her."

He could see the confusion in her eyes.

"Do you want to visit your mom…we could go…."

"No…I don't want to see her."

"What do you want?" he asked.

"I want the pain to stop," she said.

It was the way her words flowed from her mouth that scared the hell out of him. He had seen this kind of declaration before. It usually was followed by a case number and a body lying on the cold slab in the morgue.

"You're tired. You haven't been sleeping…or eating," he said letting his fingers run through his hair.

He wasn't sure if he was ready for this.

As he looked at her, he saw what he had refused to see for some time. She was not the person he had called all those years ago to come to Vegas. The job had taken its toll. She was burned out. As soon as the thought crossed his mind he knew there was more to it than the job. There was the matter of her abusive childhood, the death of her father at the hands of her mother, the near death experience from being abducted by Natalie and left to die under a fire engine red Mustang. There were other things that he too did not wish to dwell on. He thought of all of those things and knew that he had a hand in this as well.

"Come back with me," he tried once more.

She shook her head.

"I'm not leaving…without you," he said.

"What if I want you to leave?" she asked.

"I'm not leaving," he said with more conviction this time.

He was prepared for an argument.

They had argued before.

He wasn't prepared for her head to drop to her knees as she began to sob.

"Sara…"

"Leave!" she yelled.

"No."

"I don't want you here!"

"I'm not leaving…not without you," he said once more.

She stood reaching for her keys on the table but he grabbed them.

"Sara, don't," he pleaded.

The desperation in his voice was like a shard of glass to her heart. She gasped from the pain.

"You're not thinking straight," he said.

"Yes…I am. I'm not going back. I'm…" she stopped as another clap of thunder shook and the room went dark. The storm had knocked out the electricity. She stepped back.

"I wish it would stop…just stop…no more rain…so tired of rain…couldn't get free…it kept pouring inside the car. I swallowed sand and desert rain. I can still taste it in my mouth," she whispered.

She wasn't aware when his hands grasped her arms again but this time they were gentle and his fingers caressed her skin. He pulled her slowly into his arms.

"You never talked about that night," he whispered.

"Too much rain…I don't like thunder and lightning," she whispered.

"I know," he said holding her tighter.

He was pulling her now toward the bed. She followed letting him lead. There was no energy to fight.

The bed covers were pulled back. He slipped off her shoes and soon she was there beneath the covers. He started to move to the chair when another clap of thunder brought her hand firmly in his.

He stared out at the rain and suddenly he could remember standing there in his office watching it rain as they searched frantically for her that night. They knew they were racing against the clock not sure they would find her in time and with each hour that passed he swore he would never be separated from her again.

The past twelve hours reminded him how frightened he had been that night.

"Try to sleep," he said once again trying to move to the chair. She released his hand feeling suddenly insecure of asking anything from him.

She had left him.

It had angered him.

It was the one thing she had promised never to do.

And yet she had run.

She had to run.

She had to run before...

The emptiness returned and she felt herself visibly shaking.

_So tired of this feeling…_

_I've lost something…_

_So lost…_

_Can't seem to shake it…_

_Can't seem to climb out of this feeling of…_

_Despair…_

_Loss…_

_Emptiness.._

_I want it to stop…_

_It has to stop…_

_Before I self destruct…_

She gulped back tears. "Oh God, you're here…never wanted you to see me like this," she said so softly he had to read her lips.

His blue eyes stared intently into brown as if he were trying to read her mind.

_What did you mean by self destruct…_

Note from author:

Aren't you glad he's with her now…thanks for the reviews. I don't think this story is as angsty as the others. Now, after saying that I am sure some of you will be saying…you've heard that before. LOL. Look at it this way, they will be together through the angst.

Take care,

Penny


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four:**

She released a ragged breath. She had not noticed the tightness in her chest over the last couple of days. She had not noticed a lot of things. She ignored her body's protest against the lack of sleep, the lack of food and now her brain was in over drive remembering every hurtful thing from the past while her senses reeled from having him so close.

She would have preferred to have him lie next to her but he chose the chair instead. It was what he did when he was hurt. He pulled away. He had been hurt before in the past. It was what they did to one another for so many years. She felt herself curling up in a ball as she lay there and begged her body to sleep.

"Taken anything?" he asked.

She shook her head.

He remembered the prescription bottle and knew she would have none of her medicine with her now.

"We can go to the pharmacy in the morning and try to get them refilled."

She nodded.

"When was the last time you've slept?" he asked.

"I've slept…in the car….a couple of hours," she said.

"You were lucky," he said.

"Lucky?"

A strange laugh escaped her lips. She jumped when the next thunder erupted and she was up off the bed. He stood between her and the door.

"Sara, it's just thunder," he said.

She stared outside and folded her arms as she began to pace.

"Sara, sit," he gestured.

She refused.

"This isn't helping," he said.

"I don't care. I can't sit here and…" she covered her ears as the next clap of thunder shook the room. He grabbed her, pulling her down on the bed. He pulled the covers up around them. She clung to him as the storm continued. It seemed so long ago that they had held each other. He leaned back and closed his eyes forcing back his own emotions at the mess of their relationship.

He let so many things slip from his hands over the years and when she had offered him a life with her, he had finally taken it grateful for the companionship. As time went by he could not imagine himself with another person admitting Sara had been the only person he had ever loved. He could never love anyone else.

He looked down as her body lay across his and her hands clutched as his clothing. He pulled her hand away from the shirt and held it with his own bringing it to his lips.

"Try to sleep," he said.

"I can't," she said.

"Close your eyes and listen to my voice," he said.

She shivered and he pulled up the blankets. The room was much cooler since the electricity remained off.

"How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height

My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight

For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.

I love thee to the level of everyday's

Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.

I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;

I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.

I love thee with the passion put to use

In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.

I love thee with a love I seemed to lose

With my lost saints, --I love thee with the breath,

Smiles, tears, of all my life! --and, if God choose,

I shall but love thee better after death."

(Elizabeth Barrett Browning.)

He caressed her cheek as he pulled her close. He continued to hold her as the storm raged. He felt her even breathing and sighed.

_She's sleeping…._

He closed his eyes and let himself rest.

It was the silence that woke him.

The storm had ended and he opened his eyes to find her still asleep by his side. He glanced at the clock and gently pulled himself up not wanting to wake her. It was the longest she had slept in months. He wasn't sure if it was because of the sheer exhaustion or the fact that he had finally been there to hold her.

_Should have been there all along…_

_Never should have agreed to let her go to the other shift…_

_I left her alone when she needed me the most…_

He sat there gently caressing her back while she slept. It was an hour later that she began to stir. It was slow at first but then she jerked awake and sat upright.

"Morning," he said softly.

It made her jump.

She had grown used to waking alone and his voice had startled her.

"I'm sorry," he said.

He had done that a lot after the abduction. He would enter a room and the moment he spoke she would react suddenly. She would say it was just that she was trying to concentrate on the task before her even though she had just been sitting alone.

He diagnosed it now as post traumatic syndrome.

Then he had ignored it not wanting to give in to the idea that she was not as strong as she let on.

He had wanted their relationship to return to normal as quickly as possible.

It was easier not to deal with the guilt he harbored for his role in the Natalie abduction.

She sat up now on the bed and coughed.

"You okay?" he asked.

She nodded.

"Do you have your inhaler?" he asked.

She shook her head.

He got up now.

"I'll shower," he said. "Then we can work on getting that remedied."

He walked toward the bathroom but then stopped suddenly. He turned around to see where she was. She remained on the bed.

"I'll just be a minute," he said.

She nodded.

_Don't leave…_

_Don't make me chase you…._

_Don't do that to us…._

He hesitated a moment and then stepped inside the bathroom but left the door open so he could listen for her. His shower had been quick.

Once he was finished, he sat down in the chair while she stepped into the bathroom for her own shower. He took the time to call Brass.

"Jim, there's been a change in plans," he said.

"Are you with her?" he asked.

"Yes. She…needs some time away. She needs me. I'm not coming back….I'm not sure how long I'll be gone," he said.

"Just take care of yourself and Sara. I'll handle it from this end," said Brass.

"Thanks, Jim."

"What are your plans?" he asked.

"I'm not sure. I'll stay in touch," he said as he hung up.

She stood now in the doorway.

She had changed clothes.

Her hair remained wet from the shower.

He picked up his keys and headed toward the door but she remained behind.

"Coming?" he asked.

She shook her head.

"Let's get something to eat," he said with a slight smile.

"You…go ahead," she said.

"Sara, I wasn't prepared to stay," he said. "I need to get some clothes. You need your medicine replaced…we need to talk," he said.

"I'll stay here," she said.

He glanced at the door and he tried to swallow the fear that suddenly rose from within.

"I don't want to leave you," he said.

"I'll be here when you get back," she said. "I'm just going to lie back down."

He stepped toward her. "Are you you're okay?" he asked suddenly.

"Just tired…most sleep I've had in months…I just need to rest," she said.

He hesitated not wanting to leave.

"Gil?"

He turned and looked at her.

"I'll be here when you get back," she said.

He wanted to believe her.

He wanted to know that he could trust her.

He walked toward the door and felt his stomach suddenly knot.

He glanced back and she was already in the bed with the covers pulled up.

He felt his hand on the door knob and saw that his hand trembled.

"I'll stay with you until you're asleep," he said as he turned.

He lay there with her, holding her firmly against his body.

He caressed the palm of her hand and he found himself taking her pulse.

She did not resist.

It was slow and steady.

It was strong.

Like Sara.

It did not take her long to fall asleep.

He stood there for a moment and watched her sleep.

He hesitated another moment before opening the door but turned then and grabbed her keys. He glanced over at her still sleeping form.

_If she wakes and finds the keys gone, she'll know I took them…_

_It will hurt her…_

_I can't risk it…_

He hated doing it. It would send a clear message that he did not trust her but at that moment he was more afraid that she might run again and she was in no condition to be on her own.

He purchased the clothes first and then made his way to the pharmacy.

He opened his phone and dialed.

"Hi Carla. I need a favor," he said. "Sara's lost her medication. Her suitcase was stolen at the airport and she lost everything."

"Hold on and let me check the database," she said.

He stood there on hold as he glanced around the town.

"Mr. Grissom?" she asked.

"Yes, Carla."

"We can have those refilled…the schedule III drug that may take some time…"

"She just needs the others right now," he said.

"I'll get them refilled. When would you like to pick them up?" she asked.

"Carla, we're out of town. Could you call this pharmacy and let them fill it for us?" he asked. He gave her the information and waited a few minutes before going inside.

He returned with hands full. He stepped in quietly placing the purchases in the chair. He glanced over and she was awake.

"Sleep much?" he asked.

"Some."

"Breakfast," he said opening the containers and bringing them to the bed. He sat down beside her and handed one to her. She took it and a fork was placed in her hand. She pretended to eat moving the food from side to side.

"You've got to try," he said.

She took a bite.

He smiled.

"Got your prescriptions refilled," he said.

"All of them?" she asked.

"I couldn't get the Schedule III drug replaced….have you been taking it?" he asked trying not to show his concern about the seriousness of her condition.

She noticed how he avoided the word, antidepressant.

"No," she said trying to keep the food down.

"You don't need it. You're tired…you just need some rest," he said.

She said nothing but set the container down.

He glanced at its contents.

"You've only eaten a few bites," he said.

"I tried," she said.

"A few more," he said. "Try."

She was trying.

She had managed to get two bites down before her stomach wanted to revolt. It was her fault. She had not eaten the day before. She swallowed and leaned back. He didn't approve but she had tried. He could not ask for more just yet.

"Where do you want to go?" he asked.

"Go?"

"We could stay here a few days," he said. "It would give you time to think."

She shook her head.

"Were you going to Nick's villa?"

She stared at him.

"He guessed it," said Grissom.

"I thought I could…."

"It's fine. He wants you to go…we can go together," he said.

She had not planned for him to come and she wondered if she had asked for him to take some time off if he would have said yes. Now, here they sat together in a hotel room planning a trip together.

"Hank?" she suddenly asked.

"He's with Greg. He'll be fine," he said.

She slumped back against the pillow.

"Want to leave today?" he asked.

They were packed and on the road within an hour. Grissom had changed clothes and then placed the clothing down inside a suitcase he had purchased. They returned her rental car and as she slid into the Denali, she seemed a bit apprehensive as if he were going to take her back to Vegas.

Her hand sat firmly on the door handle and he pretended not to notice. He could see that her hands trembled. He reached across and held one of them as he drove. It was cold.

He reached back and pulled out a blanket handing it to her. She wrapped it around her.

"Thank you," she said softly.

"You know with our schedules, we haven't been able to talk much," he said.

He glanced at her as she kept her eyes locked on the passing billboards.

"We have lots of time," he said.

She stared at him.

He stared at her.

"Let's talk," he said as they headed down the highway.

_Tell me how I can help you…_

_Tell me you won't ever leave me…_

_Tell me I shouldn't be so afraid…_

_I'm scared Sara…_

_I'm scared as hell for you and me and us and…_

Note from author:

Thanks for the reviews. For those of you who are reading along and there are quite a few of you, here are the simple rules. You give a review when I give a chapter. I will continue to post after so many reviews…hint hint…the quicker the posting the quicker a chapter appears. I do read every review and it's nice to see some of the regulars again. I've missed you. Let's keep going…it's nice to have a road trip. As some of you know, I have quite a few trips lined up this summer and have just finished with two. I leave for New York next Wednesday at a really early hour. Don't worry, I take my laptop everywhere I go and I will continue to post regularly so the story is not interrupted.

Take care,

Penny


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five:**

She sat there and stared out the window.

The first hour passed without a word.

He frowned.

He recalled the journal on her laptop and decided he would begin at the beginning.

"Let's talk about San Francisco," he said.

Her head jerked around to stare at him.

"San Francisco?"

"We met at a seminar," he said with a smile.

"Yes…we did," she said quietly.

"You heard I was boring…was I?" he asked.

"No…no you weren't," she said.

"I noticed you immediately," he said. "You wore your hair in a pony tail. I thought you were with the guy sitting next to you."

"He was just a friend," she said pulling up the blanket.

"You asked so many questions….good questions…I knew you were a good CSI…I knew you would be good for our lab," he said.

"The lab?" her voice now rising this time.

"Yes…any lab would have been lucky to get you," he said.

He felt her hand pull away from his and her other hand rested on the door handle.

"Of course, I never thought I would be calling you to head an investigation…"

"So you wanted me for the lab?" she asked.

He glanced at her.

"No. I wanted you….even if we had only had coffee and dinner a few times. I wanted you. I just couldn't have you," he said.

"Why not?" she asked.

"Sara, I thought you were too young…you had your whole life ahead of you. You deserved better than me," he said.

"I didn't want anyone but you," she said.

"I'm glad," he said.

"I'm not," she said.

Her answer made him swerve to the shoulder but he quickly corrected himself. He purposely turned down the music on the radio.

"Why?" he managed to get out.

"It hurt sometimes," she said quietly.

"I had been trying to come up with a reason to ask you to come to Vegas," he said. "I missed you. I wanted to see you again."

"Why?"

"To see if I was still attracted to you…I was. When you finished the investigation, I didn't want you to go back to San Francisco."

"You offered me a job," she said.

"I wanted you near me," he said.

"Near but not close," she said.

"I wanted you close," he said.

"Close but not touching," she said.

"I wanted to touch you Sara. I wanted to do more than just that," he said.

"We used to touch all the time in San Francisco. We held hands, we sat side by side, we went to breakfast and dinner….we spent time together," she said.

"I know," he said. "I still have that photo of us taken that day we went to the beach and then took a walk down by the Golden Gate Bridge."

"You kissed me that night," she said. "When you asked me to come to Vegas I thought you were…."

"Wanting something more?" he asked.

"Yes," she said.

"I did…but then I hired you on my team. I was your supervisor and you were my employee," he said.

"If you had given me any indication you wanted me, I would have switched to another unit…another job," she said.

"You were rebellious…quick tempered on some types of cases…I was worried about you. I thought it was best if you remained with the unit so you could learn….we had the best unit Sara. I wanted you to be safe."

"I was never safe," she said.

He looked at her as they pulled up to the gas station.

"Not from myself," she said.

It made him stare.

She opened the car door and stepped outside. He watched as she went inside while he filled the gas tank. She returned shortly with two cups of coffee. Soon they were on their way again.

"Why were you never safe?" he asked beginning the talks again.

She sipped on the coffee not wishing to continue the conversation.

"Why were you never safe?" he said again. She glanced at him and she knew he was not going to let it drop.

"I spent years reading into every look, gesture, comment…sometimes you're worst enemy can be yourself," she said.

She was wrong and he knew it. He had purposely given those looks, gestures and comments as a means of stringing her along. He told himself he could not have her but yet he could not bring himself to give her up either. Even when she began to date someone else, he pulled her back.

She leaned back and closed her eyes.

"Sleepy?" he asked.

"Tired," she said.

"Try to take a nap," he said.

She couldn't sleep; their discussion had stirred up memories.

_I tend not to believe people. People lie. The evidence doesn't lie._

She remembered his words. He had said this to a man whose wife had assisted in her own kidnapping. She stood there and watched as the man stared at his wife as her lies were exposed and she felt sorry for the man. He had loved her and she had betrayed him.

_Never ceases to amaze me what people do to one another…_

It had been their first case together. They had joked and laughed when he had bound her hands with tape to complete an experiment. She had not felt threatened. It was Grissom. She trusted him. She had always trusted him. Yet, he had admitted he did not believe people because people lie.

_He never should have changed…._

Her mind traveled onward. He glanced once or twice to see if she slept or was still awake. She coughed once or twice and he knew she was avoiding a conversation.

Terri Miller's face floated in her brain now. He had been fascinated with her. She had heard how they seemed attracted to one another. She had been relieved when she left. Grissom had no qualms with flirting with Terri. Sometimes it was good to be out in the field with dead bodies. It had kept her mind off him.

"Penny for your thoughts," he said.

She opened her eyes and glanced at him.

"What are you thinking about?" he asked.

_The ones that got away…._

_You were heard saying that when Terri left…_

"Terri Miller," she said grabbing her coffee cup and taking another sip. It felt good. She couldn't seem to get warm.

He glanced at the road and then back at her.

"You've seen Terri?"

"No…I was just remembering when she first came to the lab. You were intrigued with her."

"Yes, I was. She does fascinating work."

He reached for his coffee now and took it, grateful for the distraction. They had never discussed Terri before. They had not discussed very much at all when it came to their past. They had simply begun a relationship.

"Did you like Terri?" he asked.

"She helped me once….with the gorilla case," she said.

"I remember," he said. "Taking a trip down memory lane?"

"Our first year wasn't so bad," she said.

She closed her eyes once more and he thought she was about to become quiet again when she spoke.

"I remember the first time a case bothered you," she said.

He glanced at her.

"Paul Millander," she said keeping her eyes closed.

"Yes…he bothered me," he admitted as he decided he would rather focus on the road rather than think about Paul Millander.

Sara opened her eyes and stared at him.

"Because he had tricked you?"

"Because he was taunting us…the worst kind of serial killer."

"Brenda Collins bothered me," she said. "I didn't want to work with a child."

"I thought it would be good for you."

"Why?"

"Because you …."

"I was in foster care, came from an abusive…"

"I didn't know that at the time," he said. "I knew you would be good with kids...you're kind and gentle."

There was silence for a moment.

"The murder in the sky case was fun," he said glancing over at her.

"Your reenactment proved the passengers lied," she said.

"I also learned something about you," he said.

"Learned what?"

"You had sex on a Delta airlines flight with Ken Fuller. I think of that every time I fly. I was jealous."

"I was young and stupid and naïve then."

"Yes but it also showed me you had a life before you met me."

_I had a life…._

_I had other lovers…_

"We could have flown to New Mexico….tested the theory of whether sex is better in the sky than on the ground."

It made her grin.

He felt good seeing something else displayed on her face.

It soon faded.

"I remember the first time I saw how domestic cases bothered you," he said taking a sip of coffee and then sitting it back in its holder.

"Kaye Shelton's murder," she said.

"You provoked her husband. I was afraid for you at that moment. I saw firsthand how domestic abuse cases affected you."

"And you never lost your cool? What about the time you knocked the coffee pot out of Ecklie's hand?" she asked defensively.

"He was willing to let a person go to prison just so he wasn't proven wrong. He was…wrong."

"You were right about your case…so was I," she said.

"Yes…we both were," he said.

She glanced out the window for a moment but then looked at him.

"It really meant a lot when you sat up all night trying to prove he murdered his wife," she said shifting in the carseat. "Even if it meant sitting up with a dead pig."

"It meant a lot when you brought me a blanket and coffee. I also liked the company and the help," he said taking a sip of coffee. He pretended to stare at something in the rearview mirror as he took the opportunity to steal another glance at her.

"You know you and Nick were awfully close," he said.

"Yeah….we were," she said feeling a chill.

She suddenly remembered the second time Terri Miller came to town and how the rumors spread around the office that Grissom had asked her to dinner.

"Did you have dinner with Terri?" she asked.

He looked surprised now at how the conversation had returned to Terri.

"Yes…I did."

She said nothing further.

"You okay?" he asked as he reached over and tried to place his hand over her forehead. She leaned away.

"I'm fine," she said.

"Dinner with Terri was interrupted by the office," he said. "Nothing ever happened."

"Did you want it to?" she asked.

He sighed.

"I'm not sure. I just liked talking with her."

"Because of her intellect?" she asked.

"Like I said, her job intrigued me."

"I started having problems with sleeping then," she admitted.

"Why?"

She stared at him but said nothing.

"I'm sorry," he said softly.

The silence returned.

"I remembered telling you about diversions," he said. "It only took you six months to get entrenched in a case."

"Was Terri Miller a diversion for you?"

"Yes…it was a diversion from you."

She was thankful her eyes were closed.

"I wasn't entrenched. I just wanted justice for Pamela Adler. She didn't get any. She became a vegetable and the juvenile got forty eight months," she said softly.

The case came back to mind. He remembered when she came to him that evening. She was hurting. She needed understanding and there was none. He sat there and watched as she poured out the prognosis from the physicians about Pamela and yet her husband was thrilled she was going to live.

He then remembered their parting words. Her words haunted him for years.

_Sara ... you got to learn to let this go or you're going to spend all your time in hospitals trying to help the people you couldn't save._

_I wish I was like you, Grissom. I wish I didn't feel anything._

"I have feelings," he said without thinking.

She remembered their parting words that night.

"I wanted to hurt you," she said. "I wanted you to admit to me that you cared…that you felt something but you sat there and said nothing. I'm uhm sorry," she said. Her hand sought his this time and he took it.

The conversation halted as they drove on.

Note from author:

Thanks for everyone taking the time to leave a review. It means a lot…especially when I sleep little in order to be able to write at night. I'm getting used to these 3 and 4 hour nights. LOL. Are you getting an idea of how the story is going to progress? We get to experience every GSR scene and then some and find out what really happened…at least in my alternate universe. Of course I've had a few whoppers here and there to spice things up.

Take care,

Penny


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six:**

"Griss?"

He was surprised when she said something.

It had been silent for awhile.

"Hmmm?"

"I knew the cases bothered you as much as it did us…I realized that when we were investigating Zachary Anderson's death," she said.

"I think our roles were reversed on that case," he said glancing at her. "You were trying to tell me not to get too involved and I refused to listen."

She half smiled as she glanced over at him.

"You seemed especially upset about the death of this baby," she said. "Why?"

_Because once I was naïve and young…_

_Because once I had a chance for a family…_

_But the person I chose to make that family with didn't want the same thing…_

_Because she chose to abort our child…_

_I have feelings…_

"Death of children has always bothered me," he said quietly.

"Me too," she whispered. "He was just a baby…a young innocent baby…"

Her mind drifted away for a moment and he glanced at her. He knew that she was a million miles away.

"Sara?"

His hand reached over and grasped hers.

"Hmmm?"

"I think that's enough for now," he said as he pulled off the highway and soon they were sitting in front of a restaurant.

"Time for lunch," he said.

"How come you didn't want to tell Warrick and me how you learned to sign?" she asked.

"I didn't want anyone to know about my mother or my hearing problem. If I told you about her condition you would know it was hereditary."

"I thought you were angry at how we handled Jane Gilbert."

"Jane Gilbert was difficult to work with. I was just trying to smooth things over so we could resolve the case."

"We need to eat," he said as he reached for the door.

"You got mad at me…about the strip strangler case," she said.

"Yes I did."

"I wanted to help the police get him."

"You were rushing just like they were. The evidence would get him."

"You…were almost killed," she said.

"If Catherine hadn't followed me…yes, I screwed up. I never should have put myself in that position."

"Why did you do that?"

"I guess I wanted to solve the case quickly also."

"You did it because of me," she said.

"Sara…"

She was getting out of the car now and so he let it drop.

She remembered the sleepless days that followed the case along with the nightmares. When sleep did come because of exhaustion she would dream of attending Grissom's funeral or arriving on the crime scene to process his body. She would awake to her own screams and would rush into the lab just so she could get a glimpse of him. She knew he would be there. It was as if he never left. It became comforting to her to know that he could be found so easily. It was then she started to come in early before every shift so she could catch a glimpse of him. Sometimes she even had a moment with him. Once or twice they had even shared coffee.

"I had nightmares for a long time about you," she said.

"Me?"

"I would dream that you had been killed and we were sent to process the scene. The dream was always the same….me kneeling by your body….feeling as if I had lost a part of myself," she said softly. The blank stare soon appeared and he quickly grabbed her hand and kissed it.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know."

He ordered for both of them when she ordered just juice.

"Maybe some soup will help that cold you're fighting," he said.

"Cold?"

"Chills, achiness, possible fever and cough."

She stared at him.

"It's my job to notice," he said.

_I never noticed all these months…._

_I never even noticed you…_

_We shared a house and a bed and I didn't notice you…_

_Shit…_

He was pleased when she finished most of the soup.

Soon they were back on the road.

"Where are we now?" he asked.

He glanced over at her. "I think I owe you a pickle," he said.

She smiled.

"I remember you told me about using lemons after being exposed to a decomp….I think we're even," she said.

He smiled, "You did smell."

"I remember," she said letting the smile slowly fade. "I met Hank on that case. He asked me out to dinner but I smelled like death."

He wanted to change the subject quick.

"Was it really chalk?" he asked.

"Chalk?"

"You brushed my cheek….said it was chalk," he said.

Her smile returned as she remembered that night.

_Grissom checked his pulse while keeping an eye on his wristwatch. He leaned against the brick wall. Sara walked out and saw that he was visibly upset._

"_You okay?" she asked._

"_Ninety-five."_

"_Excuse me?"_

"_Normally my pulse is seventy. When it gets to 95, I realize how mad I am. I-I have ten people working around the clock on this thing."_

"_You're too hard on yourself."_

"_No, no. I'm not mad at me. There's a body in there and that guy knows where it is!"_

"_What's your pulse at now?"_

_Grissom sighed and pushed his cap up over his forehead._

"_You want to take a walk around the block? Get some air?"_

"_No."_

"_Clear your head ..."_

"_I'm fine."_

"_Okay."_

_Grissom closed his eyes. Sara reached out and wiped his cheek letting her hand linger on his cheek in a caress._

_He looked at her. _

_Sara shrugged._

"_Chalk ... from plaster."_

"_Oh."_

_Grissom wiped at his cheek and absently glanced at the back of his hand._

_Their eyes met._

"_Better go wash up."_

"It was the first time I had really touched you since San Francisco," said Sara gripping the coffee cup with both hands as if needing the heat.

"I wanted you Sara. Don't think I didn't. It was just as hard for me as you," he said.

She turned her attention to the window thankful he could not see the tears that threatened.

"It wasn't always easy, was it? Some cases seemed to hit just the right nerve….I remember how I blamed myself for Benjamin Jennings'death. He killed himself after his brother framed him for murder," said Grissom no longer wanting to bring up the past.

_I met Heather that second year…._

_She told me I feared letting someone know me…_

_She was right…._

He turned on the radio again.

Sara swallowed hard.

_I called Hank…._

_I got tired of waiting…_

_I should have waited…_

_Things were getting serious with Hank…._

_I wanted you to do something…_

_You did nothing…._

_I decided to take a leave of absence…_

_You sent me the plant…_

_It kept me going…_

She swallowed the lump again and cursed when she felt her resolve giving way. She rolled down her window only to roll it back up as she felt the coolness in the air. He caught the slightest redness in her eyes.

"We got to see a Zamboni in action," he said suddenly.

"Yes…we did," she said trying to sound much stronger but failing miserably.

_Since when are you interested in beauty?_

_Since I met you…._

She coughed.

"Nick got hurt," she said. "It bothered all of us…I don't think we ever thought much about getting hurt on the job until Nick was thrown out that window and then later faced a gun."

"I remember," he said. "Nick could have been killed."

"I think that was the turning point for all of us," she said.

"Turning point?" he asked.

"We started getting lives outside the office…we didn't want the job to be our life," she said quietly.

She pulled the blanket up over her shoulders and closed her eyes.

He waited until he knew she was asleep to reach over and place his hand over her forehead.

_She has a slight fever…._

He glanced down at his watch and decided it was best for them to stay in another hotel for the night. She was still asleep when he opened the passenger side door and gently caressed her cheek.

"Hey."

"Hey."

"I got us a room for the night," he said as he held out his hand and she took it.

She stepped inside the room to find double beds and her stomach knotted. She disappeared in the bathroom while he carried in the suitcases. He stared at the double beds. It was not his choice but the only thing available. He sat down on one of the beds and sighed. They had managed to talk through the first couple of years. He decided they had talked enough. She stepped out and sat down on the other bed. There was a tap at the door and Grissom returned with dinner.

"I thought you would prefer room service," he said.

"How did you get room service…."

"There's a restaurant next door. I paid a little extra to have it delivered," he said.

They each sat on a bed and ate. She ate more this time and he seemed pleased with her efforts.

She knew he wanted them to sleep but she couldn't. She waited until he finished and then rolled over on her side.

"Philip Gerard was not the kind of mentor I envisioned him to be," said Sara.

"I hope I never turn out like Philip Gerard," said Grissom. Philip had been the one to tell him about Hank. He had heard the rumors and then they had been confirmed when Philip Gerard, his old mentor was monitoring his staff. He had come face to face with it with Sara there to see his reaction.

"_Well, we already know the bra was moved. Sara filed a supplemental report to that effect," said Grissom. _

"_I __know. I wish she'd mentioned her relationship with the EMT who moved the bra," replied Phillip Gerard. _

"_Relationship?" asked Grissom_

"_A Hank Peddigrew," said Gerard. "We just interviewed him. He says he thanked her for letting him move the bra back."_

_Grissom immediately glanced at Sara._

"_H__e was just, uh, being polite and, um, it's not a relationship. We go to movies ..." explained Sara._

_He felt his pulse quicken and knew he needed to remain calm. He interrupted Sara and directed his focus on Gerard. "Doc, why don't you and I go to my office? We can talk there."_

_As they left, he glanced once more at Sara trying to see if there was more to the relationship but the guilt on her face told him there was. He felt as if he had been kicked in the gut._

She came to his office before court, seeking his approval and understanding for what had transpired. At that moment, he knew she was nervous about testifying and wanted to comfort her in some small gesture. He surprised himself when he gave her his blessing._  
_

"_You look nice," he said. _

"_Thanks." She paused. "Wish me luck."_

_He could tell their earlier conversation was bothering her._

"_Sara?" __  
She turned to look back at him._

"_Whatever happens in court, it's not because you're seeing this guy. You deserve to have a life."_

He had meant it at the time. Once he realized how serious the relationship between the two had become he had regretted it. It was the first time he had ever felt jealous. In his jealousy he had been unfair at times.

He remembered hearing about the out of town trip and he had purposely called her back. They could have handled it without her but he didn't care. She had gone out of town with Hank. He let his jealousy take over.

"_I am so sorry," said Sara trying to catch her breath. _

"_I paged you two hours ago." _

"_Right. Uh, it's my day off. I was up in Pahrump at some vineyard. You told me to get a life, remember?" _

_She had tried to make light of the events giving him a smile but it was lost on his expression. He did not return the sentiment._

"_Did I?" _

_Her smile faded as a silence passed between them._

"_I'm sorry, but I needed you. Dispatch called in a 419 at Tuscadero High School. You're on your own." _

"_On my own?" _

"_Solo."_

He had dismissed her without regard to any feelings she may have had about the subject ignoring the comments exchanged between Sara and Nick or the way she stalked away. He knew she was hurt but he didn't care. The thought of her with Hank had burned in his gut all day. The fact that she had gone to Pahrump with Hank told him it was serious. He remembered she had come by his office at the end of the shift and he had been hopeful that they could smooth things over between them.

"_Good night," she said softly._

"_Good night, Sara."_

He felt a sense of relief and hope when she flashed a smile at him before turning to leave.

"_Hey. Nice work on the high school case."_

"_I'm ... uh ... sorry I missed your page."_

"_It's just, um ... you tell me to get a life and then I get one, and then you expect me to be there at a moment's notice. It's ... um ... confusing."_

It was another opportunity that he let get away. He cursed inwardly. Her voice brought him out of his thoughts.

"You called me back from Pahrump….to work on a case by myself," she said.

"Yes…I did," he said. "I was jealous. I didn't want you with Hank."

Her head jerked around. "You never said anything."

"No…I didn't…I'm sorry."

They were quiet for awhile.

"I had to repeat a forensic anthropology seminar because you pulled me from it," she said pulling the pillow tight against her chest.

"I needed you on a case," he lied.

"We didn't work much together the next year," she said.

"I tried to hide the hearing problem," he said. "I went for second opinions."

"You told no one," she half asked.

"Catherine," he said leaning back.

"Heather probably noticed," she said glancing at him. She reached over and turned out the light leaving only a small stream of light coming from the bathroom.

"Yes….she did," he said.

He had wanted her to stop. He did not wish to discuss Heather. He knew where the discussion was leading. He had slept with Heather.

Note from author:

Yes, I can just see the tomatoes flying. Now, now. I'm covering all aspects of the relationship so take a deep breath and continue reading. I'll post as soon as the reviews come in so hit the button and let's continue...Oh I will elaborate on Grissom's private thought later on...

Take care,

Penny


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven:**

"_Unfortunately, the language we speak in here doesn't necessarily translate to the world out there, "said Lady Heather._

"_No, in here, the submissive has the power. All he has to do is say the safety word and everything stops," said Grissom._

"_Very good, Mr. Grissom."_

"_I'm just repeating what I've heard."_

"_You're a good listener."_

"_Part of the job."_

"_So this is work?"_

"_Yes. But I value your insight."_

_Lady Heather smiled. "I'm flattered. But you already seem to know the answers to your questions. You keep me in proximity when I walk away and when I'm close ... you watch my lips. Are you losing your hearing?"_

"_I'm losing my balance."_

"_Your sense of self?"_

"_No. I know who I am."_

"_Do you?"_

"_Yes, I do." _

_Grissom reached out a hand and brushed the hair away from her face. She closed her eyes for a moment and opened them. Grissom framed her face with both of his hands. _

"_You can always say stop," said Grissom._

"_So can you."_

He closed his eyes. He had not wanted to remember.

_I didn't say stop…._

_I slept with her…._

_But then I followed the evidence and I questioned her for murder…._

_She wouldn't forgive me…._

_She said stop to the relationship…_

He glanced over and she was now facing the wall.

"I heard about you and Heather."

"Sara…"

"Did you sleep with her?"

There it was.

He had avoided this question since their relationship had become intimate. They had simply avoided the past starting when he had finally given in and allowed himself to let her know how much he loved her.

"Yes, I did."

"I slept with Hank after that case."

He said nothing.

They lay there letting the silence fill the room.

"Catherine told me you broke up with Hank soon after that," he said.

"Yes I did…I found out he had a girlfriend," she said pulling up the covers.

_While he was in bed with me, he was planning a trip to Tahiti with his girlfriend…_

"You deserved better," he said. "He was a fool."

"_I called the lab. They said you were here. I heard you met Elaine," said Hank._

"_Yeah, she's really something… I didn't tell her about us, if that's what you're wondering," said Sara._

"_I'm really sorry, Sara."_

"_Yeah, me, too."_

"_I don't know what else to say."_

"_I'll see you around."_

She coughed trying to take in air. She coughed again.

"Sara?"

He was up now on his feet searching through her suitcase until he located the inhaler. He quickly sat down on the bed and placed it in her hand. She inserted it letting it bring immediate relief.

"I'm fine now," she said as she kept the inhaler in her hand. He noticed it but said nothing.

"Maybe we should get some sleep," he said.

"We didn't talk about the lab explosion," she said.

He returned to his bed and folded his hands behind his back.

"It took several doubles to put things half way in working order," he said. He closed his eyes wishing to end the conversation for the night.

"You…turned me down for dinner," she said.

"I had an appointment with my specialist," he said.

"If I had asked you the next day, would you have gone?" she asked.

"No," he said quietly. "Sara, I was afraid I would lose my hearing. I was scheduled for surgery that would determine if I could continue doing my job. What could I offer you?"

"Your love," she said.

He flinched.

She had never asked for much.

"I had let so much get between our friendship I didn't know how to fix it and not continue to hurt you. That Christmas I gave you that Entomology textbook," he said. "It was sort of a peace offering."

"I still have it…I used to read it when I couldn't sleep. I've read it several times," she said. She closed her eyes at the memory.

_Sara looked around the locker room but knew that everyone had already left. It had been a skeleton crew at best with it being Christmas Eve. She stuffed the things in her locker and grabbed her jacket rushing out into the cool air. She had wanted to see him. She would have been content with just a view from a distance but he had been tied up on his own case that night while she and Brass had worked another one across town. Their paths never crossed that night._

_She stepped out of her car and hurried to her door with the Chinese food in hand. It was not a traditional meal but she wasn't into traditions. It was something she had given up once she had entered foster care._

_She stared down at the package sitting in front of her door and she glanced around to find the hallway empty. She quickly unlocked the door and then picked up the package. She locked the door and then set the package on the table while she put away the Chinese food. Her attention returned to the package. She had not ordered anything and there were no markings so someone must have dropped it off._

_She opened the package and found a wrapped Christmas gift. By its shape, she knew that it was a book of some sort. She looked for a card but there was none. She ripped open the gift and found the entomology book and there was a sudden catch in her breath._

_She could not imagine anyone but Grissom who would give such a gift. She searched frantically again for a card but there was none. She opened the book and inside he had written a short note._

_Merry Christmas Sara_

_Have a happy new year._

_You deserve it,_

_Grissom_

_The tears dropped one by one until she found herself curled up on the couch clutching the book as if any moment it would disappear. _

"I spent Christmas reading that book," she said softly.

"I spent it worrying about you," he said. "You seemed so sad for so long."

She was quiet now just as he was. They each lay there on separate beds and let their minds wander to the fourth year. They had become distant that year. Gone, was her smile most of the time and she was less excited about her work although she wanted to move up. They each buried themselves in their work. He spent more time in the field. He no longer feared missing anything. The surgery had worked and his hearing was better than it had been in years.

It had not been easy dealing with the new position that had been created. Sara and Nick both wanted the position. He remembered staring at the applications. He was not ready to let her go. He told himself it was not because he had feelings for her but rather he feared for her. She remained sensitive to domestic violence and rape cases.

He remembered Warrick's case and how he had snapped at her that day in the conference room. Warrick's evidence had been thrown out and now they would have to find additional evidence. It meant the entire team had to help. He had not meant to be so harsh. He could see her bristle to his words. It was nothing new. They had been silently feuding for months. It wasn't until later in the case that he would catch her observing his work in the lab that their personal feelings would get in the way once more.

_Pin me down…_

He remembered holding her wrists, feeling her breath so close to his and the sweet smell of her hair. It had been intoxicating. He had wanted her. For a brief moment his hands were on her. He had not wanted to break the contact. It was Sara who had stepped away.

"It hurt when you gave the key position to Nick," she said.

"He was ready. You weren't. Believe it or not Sara, it was the one time I wanted to give you something…to give you a promotion despite my feelings for you. I couldn't do it. You were struggling with…"

"I know," she said rolling over to face him. "I realize that now."

"Had enough of memory lane?" he asked.

_I've had enough…_

_Too painful to remember…_

"Debbie Marlin case…you wouldn't let me in the house," she said staring at him.

He swallowed hard. He did not wish to discuss this case. It had been too personal for him.

"Let's quit for the night," he said sitting on the edge of the bed now.

"I was there….I heard what you said to Vincent Lurie," she said.

He stared in disbelief. "I never knew."

"_It's sad, isn't it, doc? Guys like us. Couple of middle-aged men who've allowed their work to consume their lives," said Grissom quietly._

_Lurie stopped and listened. Brass watched as his colleague addressed Lurie ignoring the others in the room. It was odd the man would stop to hear what Grissom had to say particularly now that he knew they could not hold him. Perhaps it was Grissom's tone that got his attention. There was sadness to his voice._

"_The only time we ever touch other people is when we're wearing our latex gloves. We wake up one day and realize that for fifty years we haven't really lived at all. But then, all of a sudden ... we get a second chance." Grissom has caught Lurie's full attention now. _

"_Somebody young and beautiful shows up. Somebody we could care about. She offers us a new life with her but we have a big decision to make, right? Because we have to risk everything we've worked for in order to have her." Grissom looked down at his pad. "I couldn't do it." His eyes mirrored the sadness in his heart. He looked up and their eyes met. I gave up the only woman I've ever loved._

"_But you did. You risked it all." Grissom glared at Lurie making him look away. It did not matter to Grissom; he knew the truth and did not need to see it reflected in Lurie's eyes. _

"_And she showed you a wonderful life, didn't she? But then she took it away and gave it to somebody else and you were lost so you took her life."_

"_You killed them both, and now you have nothing." _

_Vincent Lurie responded quietly, "I'm still here."_

"_Are you?" asked Grissom. _

"Gil?"

"Hmmm?"

"Do you regret taking that risk…..on me?" she asked letting a tear slip down her cheeks.

"No…I've never regretted it for a moment," he said.

She coughed and then rolled onto her back.

"It seemed all we did was work…there wasn't much in between that year," she said.

"I remember I was so focused at my work that one day I looked up and it was as if I hadn't seen you in a long time," he said.

"I remember. It was the clown case…it was supposed to be funny…things were not funny that year…I kept popping the cough drops trying to hide the alcohol…Jim knew," she said.

"I should have…noticed."

He tried to lighten the moment now.

"There was that case with the rollercoaster," he said with a grin.

"We rode the rollercoaster together when the case was over…just the two of us…I never told anyone," she said.

He grinned. "It had been a fantasy of mine. I always wanted to know what it would feel like to go up and down with you."

"Are you referring to rollercoasters or…"

He grinned and said nothing.

_Sara started for the gate when Grissom called._

"_We're not done yet," he said._

"_We're not?"_

"_No."_

_She turned and watched Grissom walk back to the rollercoaster. _

"_Did we miss something?" she asked._

"_Yes, we did," he said with a huge grin._

_She followed him to the entrance of the ride and when she saw Woody standing there with the same goofy grin, she stopped dead in her tracks._

"_Griss, what are you going to do?" she asked._

"_You mean, what are we going to do?" he corrected._

_He pointed to the rollercoaster and she shook her head._

"_I don't do rollercoasters," she said._

"_You do now," he said._

"_No, I don't."_

"_Yes, you do," he said as he walked up and sat down inside the coaster. He patted the seat beside him._

"_I'm not doing this," she said._

"_Warrick did it," he said._

"_Good for him," she said._

"_Are you telling me you're afraid of a rollercoaster?" he asked._

"_There are germs in that thing," she said._

"_What is she saying about my rollercoaster?" yelled Woody._

_Grissom leaned out, "Sara, come on…please."_

_He sat there pleading._

_She licked her lips._

_She had never liked rollercoasters. _

_She shook her head and folded her arms._

"_Why not?"_

"_I don't like them."_

"_Have you ever ridden one?"_

_Of course, she hadn't. She didn't like them._

"_I never thought Sara Sidle would be afraid of…"_

"_I'm not afraid…"_

"_Yes, you are. Take my hand and get in," he said._

_She wanted to take his hand. She wanted to cuddle up next to him and…she would probably scream in his ear or do something worse. She couldn't imagine he would be pleased if she threw up on him._

"_Please," he said once more._

_It was her undoing._

_She took his hand and stepped in. He reached over and buckled her in._

"_Hold on tight," he said. He nodded and it lurched forward._

"_Griss, I don't think this is a good idea!" she yelled as the rollercoaster took off. She closed her eyes and felt the movements and decided that perhaps it wasn't so bad but then she felt them going straight up and she opened her eyes to find him staring at her._

_Blue eyes twinkled._

"_This is the part where I scream, right? Cause I'm certain I'm going to scream," she said._

"_It's okay. Warrick screamed," he said. _

_He placed his hand over hers and smiled._

"_Just you and me," he said as they reached the top._

"_Just you and…."_

_She screamed._

_He chuckled over and over when the ride came to a stop. He stepped out but she sat there and did not move._

"_Sara, it's over. You can get out now," he said._

"_That's it?" she said looking at him._

"_Yes, that's it," he said._

"_That was nothing."_

"_Want to do it again?" he asked._

_He jumped back in before she could respond and motioned for Woody to start the ride again._

_He grinned when they reached the top again._

"_Warrick screamed louder than you," he said._

_She smiled._

_They rode it until he was certain he had created a monster._

_They walked to the Denali and climbed inside. He grinned when he looked over to see her signature Sara Sidle smile plastered on her face._

"_Good day?" he asked._

"_Best," she said._

His grin faded when he remembered the Linley Parker case. He decided it was better to get it out of the way.

"We're not finished. We still have one more case," he said.

She sighed.

He looked at her.

"I was worried about you on the Parker case….you let Catherine do the interview," he said.

"She fought hard….harder than many and yet he still managed to kill her…he raped her and then we let him go and he raped her again before he killed her," she said. "None of it made sense anymore after that case. Everything we did seemed so futile."

"You were picked up for DUI that night," he said. "It scared the hell out of me….you seemed so tired and…sad."

She looked at him.

"I'd been sad for a long time. I couldn't have you. I gave up and settled for someone else…not by choice but more of availability…you see when you chase someone for years and get turned down it sort of bruises your ego….I thought I couldn't do any better than Hank. I knew it was a mistake but yet I slept with him…I gave him my body because I couldn't give it to you," she said swiping at the tears.

"Sara…"

"I thought you were incapable of having a relationship with someone and then you end up with Heather. I felt so ashamed for sleeping with him and then finding out he was already involved with someone else. It hurt. I didn't want to hurt anymore so I drank."

She was quiet for a moment and then looked at him. She gulped when she saw the hurt in his eyes.

"It was humiliating to have you come and get me that night," she said as she closed her eyes.

"I was afraid for you Sara," he said. "I didn't want to leave you that night."

Note from author:

I'm enjoying the reviews. The next chapter of course will be about what happened after he took her home….from the precinct. Leave a review and let's move on.

Take care,

Penny


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter Eight:**

_Grissom stood in the doorway and stared at her. She sat there quietly with hands in lap. He head rehearsed what he would say all the way to the precinct but seeing her there looking so defeated he knew a lecture was the last thing she needed to hear. He came and sat down beside her taking her hand into his._

"_Come on, I'll take you home," he offered._

_She stood on wobbly knees. _

_It was not from the alcohol. _

_None was left in her system._

_She knew that he had been called and she dreaded the confrontation. She knew when she looked into his eyes she would only see disappointment._

_The drive was done in silence and as soon as they arrived at her apartment. She said thanks and quickly made her exit. His hand on her arm stopped her._

"_We need to talk," he said._

"_I appreciate that you came and I sorry that you had to be the one. I begged them to call Brass but they insisted it had to be you…my supervisor. It won't happen again," she said as she then made her exit and he watched as she rushed inside._

_She did not stop in her haste until she was safely inside her apartment and leaned against the door. She felt humiliated, defeated and sense of pure failure crushed her resolve and she stood there crying._

_She jumped when she heard a knock on the door and she wondered if she had disturbed her neighbor. She was a nice old well meaning woman in her seventies and she often left batches of cookies or brownies for Sara telling her she needed to gain weight. Sara quickly opened the door and felt further humiliated when it was Grissom._

_It was too late to hide the streaks of tears that poured down her cheeks._

"_Can I come in?" he asked._

"_I've taken up enough of your time. I mean it Grissom. It won't happen again. I'm sorry if this is going to cause you any problems with Ecklie or personnel."_

"_Your neighbors are probably asleep…it would be better if we did this inside," he said._

_She stepped aside and let him enter._

_He strolled in and took inventory of the apartment. It was neat and clean and smelled of Sara. He breathed in deeply. She stood there with arms folded._

"_Could we sit down?" he asked._

"_I'm sorry," she said as she motioned for him to take a seat._

"_Coffee?" she offered._

"_Are you going to sleep after this?" he asked._

_The thought was almost humorous. She slept little these days._

"_I can make you some?" she offered._

_She did not wait for a reply but hurried into the kitchen and began the task. Soon, the room was filled with the aroma of coffee._

"_Smells like Greg's special blend," he said._

"_He gave me some," she said._

_She handed him a cup as she joined him in the living room._

_He took a sip and glanced at her._

_Her eyes were still red and he could tell she was on the verge of tears again._

"_I'm sorry," he said._

_She stared at him. "I think I'm the one who should apologize."_

"_I feel responsible. When you didn't do that interview with Linley Parker I knew you were too close to the case and needed some time off."_

"_I didn't do the interview because you're right, I was too close…what happened tonight had nothing to do with the Parker case."_

"_Then what?"_

"_I lost track of how much I had to drink. I had a beer with the guys and then I was on my way home and I stopped off. I lost track."_

"_Do you do this a lot? Drink after work?"_

"_No, I come home and I work and then I work some more and then I go to work," she said a bit irritated._

"_We've talked about diversions before," he said quietly._

"_I got one…it blew up in my face. I'll stick to work," she said as she remembered how distraught she felt when she realized Hank was involved with someone else._

"_I don't want to get into your personal life…" he began._

"_Exactly!" she said. "You've never wanted to get into my personal life which is why things are the way they are."_

_It was as if she had slapped him in the face._

_He visibly flinched._

"_I'm sorry…so sorry I didn't mean to lash out at you like that," she said as she grabbed for the coffee cup causing it to spill on her hand. She yelled an expletive as she felt her hand stinging. He grabbed her hand and they were rushing into the kitchen. He held her hand under the sink while the cold water poured over it. Their faces were mere inches from one another and he could feel her control slowly slipping._

"_Its fine now," she said slowly pulling away._

"_Do you have any ointment?" he asked._

"_In the bathroom," she said. _

_He was gone before she could stop him._

_He had never been in the apartment before and suddenly he was not sure where he was going. He was thankful the bedroom door was open and he surmised the bathroom would be off from the bedroom. He opened the door and found himself in a closet. He closed it and tried the other door and was thankful to find a bathroom. _

_He opened the medicine chest and stared at the prescription bottle for sleeping pills. It was almost empty. He did not intend to pry but the date was visible and he now knew that it was recent. He got the ointment and returned to the kitchen. He insisted on administering the ointment. His hands were gentle and she bit down on her lower lip with each caress from his finger tips. Once it was done, they stood there awkwardly. _

"_You must be tired," she said. "Shift was over some time ago."_

"_Sara, you know you can talk with me…Brass cares a lot about you…"_

"_It was a simple mistake. I promise you I won't do it again," she said._

"_We could talk now," he offered._

_She gulped down the lump in her throat. She would have given anything for him to make that offer months ago. Now, she knew it was made out of pity and she still had some pride left._

"_I'm fine…tired…I'm going to turn in soon," she said._

_He stared at her but headed toward the door._

_He glanced once at her as he opened the door. He hesitated as if he wanted to say something but stepped out and closed the door. _

_The moment she was certain she had given him enough time to reach the elevator, she broke down and resumed her interrupted meltdown. She slid down against the door and no longer cared how loud or hard she cried. She needed to fall apart even if it was for only a few hours before shift. It was her time and she knew there would be stares and gawks and questions to dodge and answer. A simple almost job ending DUI would not go hidden from the grapevine. _

_She had already run into a few officers that night who she had worked with and she knew Brass would no doubt already know by now. It hurt. The whole day had hurt and nothing seemed to help, not even an evening with the guys. She sat there for awhile until she was certain she heard someone outside in the hall and she retreated to her bedroom to continue the messy business of falling apart._

_Grissom stood there silently as he listened to her. His hand went up several times to the door intending to knock or pound until she opened the door but her outburst had hit a nerve. He was the cause of the problem with his constant tug of war with her emotions. He knew that to knock and try to handle the situation would mean that he would no doubt cross the line and take her into his arms and make love to her._

_He was sick and tired of hurting her. He felt guilty as hell over letting the situation get to this. He knew she wasn't sleeping well these days but he had no idea she had resorted to sleeping pills and it was obvious she was dependent on them. He wanted nothing more than to put an end to it. His hand went up for the fourth time but instead it rested there in mid air as if an imaginary door kept it from touching hers._

_In the end, he heard her move away from the door and from the sound of her sobs she had finally gone to bed. He told himself she would be asleep soon. He stood there for an hour and when no sound could be heard, he left._

"I wanted to stay with you that night," he said.

"I kind of fell apart that night," she said.

"I know. I heard," he said.

"How?" she asked suddenly.

"I stood at the door for a long time trying to get up the nerve to knock on the door again," he said.

"I'm glad you didn't. I didn't want you to see me like that," she said.

"I didn't sleep that day," he admitted.

"Neither did I," she said. "Brass showed up. He heard about the DUI."

"I uhm sent him," he said.

Her eyes widened. "You sent him?"

"I was worried. I didn't know what else to do. I didn't want to hurt you anymore but I knew you needed someone. I sent Brass."

"He uhm chewed my ass out," she said.

"I'm sure he did in a nice way," he said.

"Right," she said closing her eyes with a slight grin.

_Sara lay there on the couch. Her hand caressed the arm of the couch where his hand had rested just hours before. Her hand displayed a red blotch from the burn but she did not care. She remembered how his hands had felt and she closed her eyes and let the memory replay in her head for the hundredth time. She was sure it would be a memory she would use over and over when times got rough. The thought made her laugh. She knew that things could not get much worse. There was a knock at her door and she wondered if this time it would actually be her neighbor. _

_She chose to lay there and let the poor old lady leave the contents at the door. The knocking became pounding and suddenly she grew concerned. She jumped up and stubbed her toe as she hurried to the door. She thrust it open to find a very pissed off Brass._

"_You know I expected something like this out of Greg or Nick but now you!" he said._

"_You heard," she said._

"_Half of personnel knows about it by now," he said. "Sara, these are things that can ruin a profession."_

"_I'm sorry I forgot I have a profession. I have a job where I can advance. I have a job that doesn't suck the life out of me," she said as he stood there and listened._

_She finally stopped and was quiet._

"_Through with the bullshit pity party?" he asked._

"_Yes. I should be getting ready for work," she said._

"_Be glad you have a job to go to," he said._

"_I'll remember that tonight," she said._

_She hobbled over to the couch._

"_What happened to you?" he asked._

"_I uhm stubbed my toe getting to the door because someone was pounding on it," she said._

_She sat down and was going to examine it when he sat down in the chair across from her and already had her foot up intending to examine her foot._

"_That's not necessary," she said quickly trying to pull away from him._

"_Which toe?" he asked._

_She refused to answer._

"_Okay, we can do this the hard way," he said. He began to move each toe until she winced. He grinned._

"_You're a bit sadistic don't you think?" she asked._

"_It's not broke…it'll help if you soak it," he said._

"_Thanks," she said pulling her leg away._

"_You're letting this job get to you," he said._

"_No…I'm not," she said._

"_Yes…you are. I wasn't the only person who saw how the Parker case bothered you."_

"_It wasn't the Parker case!" she yelled._

"_Okay, then what was it?" he asked._

_She said nothing._

"_It hurts when the person you love doesn't return those feelings," he said._

_She thought she was through with the tears but he had hit a sore spot._

"_Not sure I know what you mean," she said._

"_It's me and you. No one else. Grissom can be an ass sometimes. He doesn't mean to hurt anyone but he can be thoughtless and clueless. You began your relationship with that jerk Hank Pettigrew when Grissom started and ended his relationship with Lady Heather."_

"_I started a relationship with Hank because…we met."_

"_You never would have given him the time of day if Grissom had not flaunted his relationship with Heather in your face."_

_He was good at making sore spots bleed._

"_I was attracted to Hank."_

"_Bullshit. He didn't deserve you. Most idiots like that don't know a good thing even when it's right there in their grasp."_

"_It's over anyway. I broke it off."_

"_I wanted to break his face when I found out he was cheating on you."_

_The sore spot was definitely bleeding now._

"_You knew…"_

"_I suspected it and then I saw him with her. I wanted to say something but then all hell broke loose and you found out on your own."_

_She nodded slightly._

"_Sara, I loved my wife. I loved her so much I wanted to move up the ranks but in doing so it meant long hours and horrendous crime scenes. I withdrew from her and she withdrew into the arms of someone else. It hurt like hell. Ellie came along…even though I was certain she could not possibly be mine but I tried to fix it. In the end, she left me and took Ellie and I lost both of them. Ellie still hates me for choosing this job over them. I didn't mean to. I resorted to drinking. It helped to come home to an empty house. I drank quite a lot…more than I should. I told myself I didn't have a problem. I didn't but I would have if a good friend didn't step in and call my hand on it."_

_He stared at her as she looked away._

"_Sara, how often do you drink?" he asked._

"_I don't have a drinking problem. I had a beer with the guys and then I stopped off before coming home. I lost track…it has never happened before and it won't happen again," she said._

"_It sounds rehearsed. Have you said this before?" he asked._

"_It's the truth."_

"_I'll let you in on something. An alcoholic can spot another alcoholic in an instant."_

"_I thought you said you didn't have a problem," she shot back._

"_The things you tell yourself aren't always the truth," he said. "How often?"_

"_I have a beer or two when I'm home," she said._

"_What else?" he asked._

"_A glass of wine sometimes," she said._

_He stared at her._

"_A couple of mixed drinks on hard days," she said._

"_There have been a lot of hard days lately," he said._

_She did not say anything._

"_You pop a lot of cough drops," he said._

_She felt like she was in the principal's office and was about to be expelled from school instead of detention._

"_I need them," she said._

"_I used to do that also," he said._

"_Like I said, it's not going to happen again," she said._

"_It can't. You'll lose your job and then no lab is going to take a risk on you. Like you hinted earlier, this job can suck the life out of you. Don't let that happen," he said._

"_I was told to get a diversion…I did…some good it did me," she said._

"_Hank was a stupid ass diversion. Pick another one," he said._

"_No thanks," she said._

"_Fine. I need a new diversion. I choose you," he said._

"_Me?" she asked suddenly._

"_Yes, you. You step out of line and I'll be there. No more cough drops unless you have a cough and runny nose to go with it. You need a drink, have a cup of tea…you need to talk with someone, I'm on speed dial," he said._

"_I don't need a baby sitter," she said._

"_I'm not a baby sitter, I'm you're diversion and you're worst nightmare if you step out of line," he said getting up._

"_Great…so I make a mistake and now I have to look over my shoulder for you…"_

"_I'm not your supervisor. I'm doing this because I care…no other reason," he said. "So don't piss me off again."_

_He reached for the doorknob but stopped. "Grissom is a friend but you mean more to me than him."_

_She didn't know what to say._

_Her shoulders began to shake and then the flood gates opened once more and soon she felt his strong arms around her. _

"_You and me Kiddo," he whispered. "Just you and me."_

_She nodded. "Thanks Jim."_

_When he was certain she was better, he started to leave again._

"_You do know this means dinner every now and then, right?"_

_She smiled._

"I didn't know you sent him. Thanks," she said.

"Well, he had a few choice words for me," said Grissom.

_He was surprised when he opened the door and found Grissom standing there._

"_Kind of early for us to be making social calls," he said._

"_I need your help," he said._

_His expression caused Brass to usher him inside._

"_What's wrong?"_

"_It's Sara."_

"_Is she alright?" he asked suddenly._

"_She was picked up this evening…they let her go and didn't charge her with a DUI."_

_Brass cursed. "That damn Parker case. I knew she was in over her head. One look and you knew…why in the hell didn't you take her off the case?"_

"_I offered but she refused," he said. "They called me to come and pick her up. I just left from her apartment."_

"_Did you talk with her about the drinking?" he asked._

"_She said she just lost track tonight and it won't happen again," Grissom said._

"_That's bullshit. She's been popping cough drops like they're candy," he said._

_Grissom's head shot up._

"_Like you would notice? You've had your head stuck in that damn lab to notice what's important. You're the cause of this!"_

_He flinched for the second time that night._

"_She practically told me that tonight," he said quietly. "Jim, I'm worried. She's not sleeping…I found a bottle of sleeping pills in her bathroom…she's been taking them regularly. She's burning out."_

"_Force her to take some time off," said Brass._

"_She needs to work…I do know that much about her. It helps her…she just needs a diversion…hell I told her to get a diversion and she got that jerk Hank Pettigrew."_

"_Good going there," sneered Brass. "She ended up with someone worse than you."_

"_I want to help her but I can't. If I….I'm her boss…she's my employee…I don't want her to think that there could ever be anything between us…I'm tired of hurting her," he said._

"_Would it be so bad if you forgot about the boss/employee relationship? We're talking about Sara. I've stood and watched you hurt her over and over. It's going to stop…now," he said._

"_She needs someone….someone she can trust…she trusts you," said Grissom._

"_I'll go and see her but let me get something straight. There'll be no pumping me for information. You'll have to get your kicks somewhere else. Understood?" he warned._

_Grissom nodded._

"_Go home. You look like shit," said Brass as he opened the door._

"After his visit, he came to my office and said he had handled it. When I asked him how it went, he told me it was none of my business and if I hurt you again, he would kick my ass."

"Good…good for Jim," she said.

"He meant it."

"So did I when I told him to do it," she said.

Note from author:

I just love that last line. I could imagine Sara and Brass talking about Grissom….sigh. Leave a review and no, we are not finished with Lady Heather, Hank etc. It comes back around. Also I do answer the "and" in Grissom's thought in an earlier chapter ending. Leave a review!

Take care,

Penny


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter Nine:**

"You hurt me when you slept with Heather," she said. "It was the worst pain that I had ever felt…nothing helped…not even sleeping with someone just for sex…or drinking."

She took a ragged breath and stood.

"I'm going to take a shower," she said.

"Sara…"

"Not now…later," she said as she hurried from the room. She stood there in the shower letting the water wash over her. Her shoulders shook as she tried to scrub at her skin. She no longer wanted to remember. She wanted to rest. She wanted to stay in the present. The past was too painful. The door opened and he stood in the doorway.

"Want some company?" he asked.

"I'm almost done," she said.

"Would you share?" he asked.

He didn't wait for a reply but stepped inside taking her into his arms.

"I've missed this," he said.

"Me too," she whispered.

He picked up the sponge and began to wash her body. She stood there and leaned against him as he gently bathed her. When he was finished, he washed her hair. It was something he had begun to do after the incident in the desert. She had not been able to and he had taken over the task. Flashes of the desert came to mind and she quickly shut them out. He towel dried her hair after she slipped into a gown. It was simple but it became elegant as it slipped onto her body outlining her body. He reached out and touched the silk material.

"Gown is nice," he whispered. "Do you need it?"

She sucked in air the moment his hands caressed her waist.

It was an invitation they had not offered to one another in a long time.

She stood there and stared at the two beds.

"Which do you want?" she asked.

He turned away not wanting her to see the hurt or the desire. He couldn't blame her. The past was revealing some things that were raw and hurtful for both. He realized that most of it could have been avoided if he had shown her how much he loved her from the beginning. She waited until he returned to the bed he had spent most of the evening. He got in placing his hands behind his head and closed his eyes. She hesitated a moment before coming to the other side of his bed and got in. She curled her body up next to his. He felt his heart thudding. He knew his pulse had just exceeded ninety five and was making its way to one hundred. There was a catch in his voice when he spoke. "Is this helping?" he said softly. "Talking about the past…it seems more painful…"

"Yes…it is. We never talked about any of this."

"I'm sorry….for pushing you away….for causing you to sleep with Hank…so sorry Sara," he managed to get out. His own emotions were raw and his blue eyes were dark and red.

"My fault…my decision," she said.

He rolled over to face her.

"I love you…you know that…right?" he asked.

"Yes."

"Gil?"

"Yeah?"

"I meant what I said in the letter….you were the only home I've ever known….I think I've loved you forever."

He kissed her then letting his urgency take over. He felt her mouth open and he plunged deep as his hands slid the gown up her waist so that he could get access beneath. She was stripped of the gown in seconds. He never recalled how he managed to get out of his clothes but soon their bodies were molded together as he caressed her breast and dipped his fingers gently between her legs making her pull him closer. There was no need for foreplay. They had each been ready the moment they had gotten into bed. As they made love, he whispered how much he loved her over and over. As they climaxed in each other's arms, he kissed her one last time before pulling the covers up around them.

"We need to sleep," he whispered. "Tomorrow we arrive in Sante Fe."

She yawned and he took it as a good sign. She closed her eyes and he was thankful as his sleeve swiped his eyes. He cursed inwardly at himself. He knew he had hurt her in the past. He had no idea how deep until now. "I never meant to hurt you…so sorry," he said as he kissed her once more. He was startled when she reached up and wiped his eyes for him. "I'm glad you came for me…it showed me how much you love me," she said.

"Don't ever doubt that Sara…don't ever doubt that." He felt her moving underneath him again and he entered her slowly this time. The rhythm was more of a gentle rocking motion that built up slowly and then they were spiraling downward together.

"Better than rollercoasters?" she asked.

"Better," he said.

She managed to sleep a few hours before waking. She lay there as he slept. This was not how she had envisioned her trip would be but yet she was relieved that he had come for her. She did not want to be alone. She glanced at the clock and was surprised that he was able to sleep.

Normally he would be at work at this time but she knew the last couple of days had been hard on him. She gently combed her fingers through his hair. Quietly, she slipped out of the bed and found his phone lying on the table. She took it and then slipped into the bathroom, sitting down on the edge of the tub. He answered with one ring.

"Brass."

"Hey," she whispered.

He smiled.

"Hey Kiddo….nice surprise…I thought it was Grissom."

"He's asleep," she said softly.

"Why aren't you sleeping?" he asked.

"I did….for awhile," she said.

"Anything wrong? You need anything?" he asked.

"He's coming to Sante Fe with me….is that good? He just left the lab. I don't want him to be in any trouble…"

"Sara, he hasn't taken off in a long time. He needs this as much as you do. The lab will survive without Grissom. Just take care of yourself," he said.

"Jim?"

"Yeah?"

"We'll stay in touch….tell everyone hello…thank Nick for the villa…I'm glad I kept the key," she said.

"He has a surprise waiting for you when you get there," said Brass.

"A surprise?"

"I think he wants it to be romantic for both of you so he's getting someone to come in right before you arrive and…I'm not saying anything else," he said.

"Tell him thanks…I miss all of you…especially you," she whispered.

He felt his eyes mist as he chuckled softly, "You always know how to make me turn to fluff. Go back to bed Kiddo…Sara?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you kiddo," he said gruffly.

"I love you too," she said.

The door swung open and he stood there staring at her.

"You okay?" he asked.

"Yeah…I am…I called Brass…just wanted to hear his voice," she said.

"Come back to bed," he said as he extended his hand and helped her up.

He woke to find her asleep on top of him. He grinned as he gently slid out from underneath her. He showered and then stepped out in search of coffee and breakfast. When he returned, she was already awake and was sitting on the bed dressed with the suitcases packed.

"Ready to go?" he asked.

"Ready to get there," she said.

"Not before breakfast," he said.

He sat down the two cups followed by the Styrofoam containers.

"No chance for your omelet?" she asked with a grin.

"You'll have to wait until we get there…I'll fix it tomorrow," he said.

He tried not to notice how much she ate but it bothered him that she had lost so much weight.

She took a sip from the cup and frowned.

"Milk?"

"Coffee later…"he said.

She frowned but said nothing.

He seemed pleased with himself when she ate most of the food and drank half of the milk.

"Do I pass?" she asked jokingly. "Now, can I have coffee?"

"Yes, you may."

They were back on the road now. Sara turned the radio on low and leaned back in the car seat.

She glanced at him.

"Where were we?" she asked.

"I think we're up to our fifth year."

She leaned back in thought. It was a bright sunny day as Grissom drove along.

"You got mad at me for staying in that house so I could take the door off its hinges…it had blood evidence."

"It wasn't worth risking your life…the whole house was wired with bombs."

"We certainly made an impression when the house exploded."

"Yes….we did."

"We worked more together," she said.

"I did that on purpose…I wanted to stay near you," he said.

"You were afraid I was drinking on the job."

"No, I wasn't."

"Then why?"

"You looked sad…I wanted to be with you."

"I got to watch you make bombs," she said.

"I got to watch you."

"We got to see how some of Vegas couples live…the partner switching thing…I can't imagine how that would improve your marriage."

"It usually means you don't really have one," he said.

"We solved the blue painter murders," she said.

"The drawings he left behind were really fascinating. He knew he was going to die."

"Our team got split up," she said.

"Ecklie had been waiting to do something," he said.

They were quiet for a moment.

"Greg became a CSI," she said smiling.

"I was very proud of him," said Grissom.

"Me too….we had dinner together that night," she said. "He looked so smug."

"He's always had a crush on you," he said with a grin.

"Harmless."

"You covered for me with Ecklie when I failed to document that we had our post PEAP conference…we hadn't. I had been avoiding it."

"I admitted you were more than a boss to me," she said.

"I wanted to ask you to dinner…I couldn't…you left before I got up the nerve," he said.

"I didn't want you to say anything…I think I was trying to let go," she said.

She felt his hand slide into hers and he squeezed hers.

"I told off Ecklie," she said.

"I was proud of you for doing that but….I wasn't proud of the way I had let things go between us. We had been friends for so long…I let that slip away. I could have kept the friendship at least," he said.

She was quiet now.

He knew she was thinking about that evening at her apartment. It had been a turning point in their relationship once more. He had gone there. It wasn't something he ever thought he would do. He had promised to keep his distance and rely on Brass to be there for her if he felt she needed it. On the drive over, he told himself he should call Brass but then he knew as a supervisor, he would need to discuss what happened with her.

He felt it was best for her to not have to rehash the incident twice. He told himself to be careful. He told himself she was fragile. He even told himself that their relationship had finally stabilized and one false unintentional slip would send it spiraling downward again. He knocked on her door and his stomach churned when she answered with beer in hand. His jaw twitched but he decided there were other issues to be covered first. He needed to know what was bothering her. He had stood and watched as she lashed out at others. It was not like her.

"_It's funny ... the things that you remember and the things that you don't, you know. There was a smell of iron in the air. Cast-off on the bedroom wall. There was this young cop puking his guts. I remember the woman who took me to foster care. I can't remember her name. Which is strange, you know, 'cause I couldn't let go of her hand?"_

_He saw her vulnerability as he heard it in her voice._

"_Well ... the mind has its filters."_

"_I do remember the looks. I became the girl whose father was stabbed to death. Do you think there's a murder gene?"_

"_I don't believe that genes are a predictor of violent behavior."_

_He looked at her demeanor. Her legs were drawn up as she wrapped her arms around them in a protective stance. He caught sight of the slight trembling on her hands and the quiver in her voice. He knew she was struggling to maintain her composure._

"_You wouldn't know that in my house. The fights, the yelling, the trips to the hospital. I thought it was the way that everybody lived. When my mother killed my father, I found out that it wasn't."_

"You stayed all evening with me," she said.

"I couldn't leave you," he said.

_He held her hand as she sat there and cried. It was hard racking sobs and it tore at him. He had not been prepared to feel such emotion. He was not prepared to see her so vulnerable and he had the strong urge to throttle Catherine and Ecklie but then no one knew about her past. He wondered if Brass did._

_She clutched his hand and suddenly it was no longer her hand but his shoulder as he pulled her over to the couch and held her. He knew he was in dangerous territory but he didn't care. He wanted to comfort her and a mere hand would not do. He knew he should have called Brass but he wanted to be the one to comfort her. His arm held her protectively as the other stroked her hair. _

_The sobs slowed to hiccups and his shirt was wet but he didn't care. It was Sara. She was there in his arms and for a moment he was going to allow himself to love her. He was content to hold her for as long as she needed. She was quiet now. Except for the slight hiccup of tears every now and then, the worse seemed to be over. His hand continued to stroke her hair and soon he realized that her breathing had changed. It was slow and steady._

_He smiled._

_She had fallen asleep._

_He shifted slightly so that they were lying back further. He held his breath when he thought he woke her but instead she merely curled her body up next to his. Her hand rested comfortably across his chest. He shifted once more so that he was able to see her face. The eyes were swollen and her nose was red. The dark circles told him she needed the sleep and he had no intention of waking her. He glanced over at the clock and decided that a few hours of sleep was not a bad idea. He watched her for awhile but soon found himself dozing as well. _

"You were late for work that evening," she said.

"It was worth it," he said. "It was the best nap I'd had in a long time."

"Things were different after that," she said softly.

"I think we decided not to fight anymore," he said.

"We didn't fight," she said.

"Yes, we did. We were good at fighting silently," he said.

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"We avoided each other on crime scenes and when we did communicate it was just business."

She nodded slowly.

He felt her hand pulling away as she reached for her coffee.

"So where are we now?" he asked. "What case are we up to?"

"You had dinner with Sofia."

He glanced over at her.

"It was business."

"So if I had asked you to dinner and said it was business, you would have gone?" she asked taking a sip of coffee.

"No."

"Figures," she said setting the cup back down.

"I wouldn't have dinner with you because I would want more."

"You could have had more."

"That was the problem."

She grinned and turned away.

"What? What's so funny?" he asked.

"I took a shower with Greg," she said.

"That hazmat scare," he said. "Greg talked about it for weeks."

"I know," she said smiling.

"Do you think he looked?" he asked,

"Greg? Not a chance….he's a momma's boy…they have too much respect for women…it's all talk with him…he's a perfect gentleman," she said.

They let the smiles linger before moving to Adam Trent. Sara knew that the only reason he had asked her to come to the sanitarium was because there was no one else available.

Grissom was the first to speak.

"I wished I had never asked you to go with me on that case," he said.

"Why?"

"Why? Because you could have been killed!"

"I thought so too for a moment," she admitted.

"The worker couldn't find the key and Adam was getting upset…I couldn't do anything except stand there."

"You did something later," she said.

"I couldn't sleep," he said.

"I'm glad you didn't," she said with a smile.

Note from author:

Oh the next chapter is so good! It tells about their first time…Sigh! Leave a review so we can move on quickly.

Take care,

Penny


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter Ten:**

_She sat there on the locker bench and willed herself to leave. It had been an exhausting shift. She took a deep breath as the smell of the hospital remained in her nostrils. It was the prompting she needed to get out of the place. She grabbed her jacket and rushed out not bothering to go by his office. The need to remove the stench outweighed the need to show him how tough she was and that being held at knife point did not phase her. She felt her legs move but with each step it seemed it took much longer to find her escape out into the fresh air._

_She stood outside for a moment and breathed in deeply. The air was cool and her breath floated in the air. _

_She jumped into her vehicle and with shaky fingers managed to start the ignition. She glanced once at his vehicle but told herself that if she said good night her resolve would surely break and he would finally see how weak she truly was. She rolled down the window and gulped in fresh air as the aroma of the hospital returned._

_He had meant to check on her before she left but she had slipped out before he knew it, not bothering to come by his door. He half expected to find her in the break room curled up with some forensic book but as he searched the lab, uneasiness settled over him. He checked the parking lot and noticed she had left. It did not make him feel any better knowing that she had left without a word._

_She had become quiet after the booking and disappeared telling him she needed to complete the paperwork on the case. She had done that. It was left in his box. He had meant to check on her but he could not stop the trembling in his hands long enough to seek her out. The whole ordeal had been unsettling. Visions of Adam holding the knife to Sara's throat haunted him. He knew that things could have gone terribly wrong and she could have been seriously injured or worse. He chose not to think of the latter. He told himself to go home but instead he found himself in front of her apartment. _

_He hesitated a moment before knocking. When she did not come to the door, he began to knock more forcefully. He did not know he was panicking until she opened the door in a robe; her hair and body were still wet from the shower._

"_Grissom?"_

"_I'm uhm sorry…you didn't come by the office before leaving. I thought something was wrong," he said suddenly feeling very awkward._

"_Come in," she said as she stepped back and opened the door wider._

_He hesitated a moment but stepped inside._

"_Look, I didn't mean to get you out of the shower," he said._

"_I finished…it didn't help," she said._

"_Help?"_

"_I can't seem to get rid of the smell of that place," she said as she plopped down on the couch beside him._

_She tried to towel dry her hair but it was at that moment he saw the trembling in her hands. She quickly stopped and folded her hands into her lap._

"_Let me," he said._

"_What?"_

_He picked up the towel and began to softly dry the hair rubbing gently as if he were intent on giving her a massage than drying her hair._

"_That feels nice," she managed to get out. It felt too nice as she was suddenly aware of his presence and she stood suddenly taking the towel from his hands._

"_Thank you…never had anyone do that before," she said. _

_They suddenly felt nervous._

"_Drink? Just juice, milk, water or coffee," she offered. "I could do with something stronger after this shift but no alcohol…funny I need it more now than…."_

_He stood now and they were too close._

"_You're overtalking," he whispered._

"_Yes…I am…Griss? Could you be something more than a friend, right now?" she asked._

_She felt herself being pulled into his arms suddenly. _

_She expected an embrace but she did not expect the kiss that followed. It caught her off guard. It was soft and gentle. His lips rested on hers and then when she opened, he deepened the kiss until she was gasping for breath. She had never felt such emotion behind a kiss. He stepped back a little. "Will that do?" he said gruffly._

"_Yeah….that'll do," she said as she felt herself trembling._

_She expected him to withdraw but she was not prepared to have herself do it._

"_What's wrong?" he asked._

"_I uhm… I don't want to lose your friendship…again…I'm sorry I didn't mean to be so needy," she said._

"_You're not….I am…I needed that…I needed to know you were okay. What happened tonight scared the hell out of me…watching you…not able to do anything…"_

_She found herself back in his arms as he bent down for another kiss. It was just as powerful and she did not pull away this time but let it linger._

"_Griss?"_

"_Hmmm?"_

"_How far do you want this to go?" she asked._

_He answered with another kiss._

_She stood there afraid to make a move. She feared that one false move might make him bolt for the door. She felt her body responding to every kiss and touch and wondered if he felt the same._

_His hands slid down her arms and rested on her waist as he placed soft kisses on her lips and cheeks and forehead. It was not sexual but more of a feeling of being cherished. She moaned slightly when his lips found her neck and it was then that she took his hand and led him to the bedroom. _

_She fumbled with his shirt and he grabbed her trembling hands. She thought he was going to put an end to it before it went too far but instead he removed his shirt as she turned down the bed. It was dark in the room with little or no light. She did not care. She knew whose body was next to hers. She was surprised when he opened the bathroom door slightly to give off a little light._

"_I think we've both been in the dark too long," he whispered._

_She smiled._

_It took his breath._

_He had not seen her signature smile in such a long time._

"_I've missed that smile," he said._

_He was soon beside her as she felt his hands glide down her body._

"_So soft," he whispered._

_She gasped when she felt his hand caress her breast while the other cupped her head gently as he dipped down for a kiss. It was completely intoxicating. He grinned when he felt her hands begin to roam down his shoulders. One had managed to glide down his back and cup his buttocks and he grinned._

"_Always wanted to do that," she said._

_He gasped himself when her other hand slid between them and he grabbed it before it could reach its destination._

_Deep smoldering blue eyes stared into brown._

"_Not yet," he said. "Not sure I could handle that just yet….wanted you too long…"_

_He was kissing her again as his fingers dipped down inside her. Her body bucked from the raw emotion._

"_Grissom?"_

"_Gil…not Grissom…not Griss…Gil."_

"_Gil?"_

_His name on her lips almost sent him over the edge._

"_Yes?"_

"_I think we've had enough foreplay…almost five years…that's enough, don't you think?"_

_He grinned._

"_Yes…I do."_

_Her senses went on overload the moment she felt him hovering just above her._

"_Did you like riding the rollercoaster with me?" he whispered._

"_Yes...I did," she said._

_He kissed her just as he let himself plunge deeply into her. She rode with the sensation not wanting it to end and yet needing to come up for air. She gasped as he released her lips and then he was plunging again and again and she clung to his body with each thrust until she did not think she would be able to stand to go any higher and then the release came. The sudden explosion of senses and emotion and she was drifting slowly back down. He remained inside her as she lay panting there beneath him. His hand cupped her face and he kissed her tenderly on the forehead._

"_Rollercoasters will never be the same," he said._

"_Rollercoasters?" she asked._

"_Nothing would ever compare to that," he whispered as he bent down and took her lips into his and then she felt him moving inside her again. It was gentle and more slowly. She felt the sensations build again and she was already climaxing again as he continued toward his own._

_They lay there later entwined in each other's arms. If he had regrets, it would surely break her. She did not want to know that by giving herself to him that it had threatened their new found relationship. It was her silence that made him uneasy._

"_Sara?"_

"_Hmmm?"_

"_You okay?"_

"_You promise you're not going to regret this…I mean I'm not sure I could handle your rejection right now…" she managed to choke out._

"_No regrets….none…except that I didn't do this already."_

_It made the smile return._

_He kissed her._

"_Better get some sleep. Your boss doesn't like it when you're tired on the job."_

_She told herself she could not sleep. She did not want to waste a single moment with him by her side. The rest of the world could go on without them because at that moment, Sara Sidle's life was complete. He rolled over and kissed her gently on the lips._

"_Close your eyes," he said. "I'll be here when you wake up."_

_She closed her eyes but quickly opened them._

"_Promise?"_

"_I promise," he said._

_His hand traced the ugly marks on her neck and he kissed each bruise. _

"_Gil?"_

"_Hmmm?"_

"_Aren't you going to sleep?" she asked._

"_Soon," he said._

"_I'm not that sleepy," she said._

"_Yes, you are."_

"_I could stay awake for awhile," she said._

"_I'll hold you while you sleep," he offered._

_She closed her eyes again and his lips fluttered past hers and settled on her cheek and then her forehead. With each light kiss, it sent shivers down her spine and she let out a soft moan. Her hand trailed up and rested on his chest. He kissed its palm. It moved down and made circular patterns on his stomach and she grinned when his breathing changed._

"_Your pulse is up," she said._

"_So is yours," he said._

"_Hard to sleep with a racing pulse," she said._

_He dipped down and took her lips. Her tongue was ready for his and soon they were entwined once more. She arched her body to meet each thrust as they rocked back and forth in a rhythm their bodies had established. He felt her orgasm and let himself follow. He started to roll off but she kept him in place._

"_Sara, I'm too heavy," he whispered._

"_No, you're not," she said. "It feels good…it feels right. God, Gil. It felt perfect," she choked out._

_He kissed her as he wiped each cheek._

"_Happy?"_

"_Happy," she said._

"_Think you could sleep now?" he asked._

"_Yes."_

_He spooned his body up next to hers._

"Sara?"

She opened her eyes when his hand caressed her cheek. He glanced at the road and then back at her.

"You okay?"

"Yeah….never better," she said with a huge smile.

He returned it.

"What were you thinking?" he asked.

"Adam was worth it….definitely worth it," she said.

He grinned. "I guess it was the kick in the ass I needed."

They let the memory stay with them for awhile before moving on.

Note from author:

Nice happy thoughts! Thanks for everyone who is reading along. I've enjoyed the comments on the reviews. Please continue to leave a review for each chapter. It is a small price that I ask in order to post…you have no idea the lengths I go to find time to write this stuff…LOL Anyway, I always love to hear from you so drop me a line!

Take care,

Penny


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter Eleven:**

Grissom glanced at the road sign as they continued on their drive. The last memory had been good. He was glad there were some things best remembered.

"Greg and I blew up a toilet…It was fun," she said.

"You and Greg did a lot of fun things together," he said.

"Yeah…we did."

Her grin turned serious. "I thought we weren't going to find Nick in time. I mean he had already avoided being killed by the psycho cable guy and then the kidnapping…You getting almost blown up…."

He squeezed her hand.

"You were mad at me…for a day or so," he said.

"You were almost blown up…yes I was pissed," she admitted.

He grinned. "You didn't seem to show it in the bedroom."

"No…we spent a lot of time there after that."

"I remember," he said.

"You got our team back together," she said.

"Ecklie wasn't too pleased...but I persuaded personnel," he said.

"How?" she asked.

"I threatened to resign."

She stared at him in disbelief. He checked his map and continued driving.

"Warrick got married," she said.

"I think he jumped too quickly."

"I think he just wanted something more than the job….we all do," she said.

"You worked pretty close with Nick on the Mcbride case," he said. "You spent a lot of time with him at his place."

"Were you jealous?" she asked.

"I was concerned."

He turned to hide his slight discomfort.

"You're jealous of Nick?"

"I'm jealous of how easy it's always been between the two of you."

"I felt that way between you and Sofia."

"I felt nothing for Sofia."

"I love Nick."

He stared at her.

"Nick is the closest thing I ever had as a brother. He was there for me…a lot. I hung around after the abduction because of the nightmares…he stayed over a few nights."

"I know. I would drive by there and find his car parked there. That's when I suggested you stay at my place."

"No one comes to your place."

"Except Brass."

"He wasn't doing so well after he shot Officer Bell in friendly fire."

"Shooting is never friendly. He was in a lot of pain for awhile. I was afraid he would start drinking again," she said.

He looked at her as if she had said something he did not know.

"He used to drink a lot…he stopped. He told me when he suspected I was drinking on a regular basis. He was right. He ….hung in there when I was shitty to him…he means a lot to me," she said.

"You mean a lot to him...he prefers you rather than me."

She grinned. "You remember the time he caught us in bed?"

"He kidded me for a week."

"_You sure you're okay?" she asked._

"_Go home," said Brass._

"_Wait, let me get my jacket, we can go to the diner," she said._

"_Sara…"_

_She was gone before he could stop her. She had been this way for weeks now. He did not want her checking on him. The death of officer Bell had been hard but he was better. She reappeared soon and grinned._

"_My treat," she said._

"_I'm not up to dinner," he said._

"_Have a drink…coffee," she said._

"_Sara…"_

"_I need to talk with you about something," she said suddenly._

"_You do?" he asked._

"_Yes."_

_They sat face to face at the diner drinking coffee. Sara had gotten him to order something to eat when she told him she had skipped lunch which was a lie of course but she told herself he probably did and she was sure he wouldn't eat if he went home._

"_So, what do you want to talk with me about?"_

"_I found a new diversion," she said._

_He almost spewed his coffee._

"_Okay. Going to tell me who it is this time?" he asked._

"_You."_

"_Me? Sorry kiddo but I am definitely too old and set in my ways…not that I'm not flattered."_

"_I just mean if you need to talk, I'm here. I'm also going to be watching you so don't step out of line and piss me off."_

_He grinned. "You learn well."_

"_I have a good teacher," she said._

"_You know you're never going to meet someone if you don't get out and…"_

"_I don't need to meet anyone," she said. _

"_Met someone already?" he asked._

"_This conversation is supposed to be about you…not me…I'm good," she said._

"_Been keeping straight….he's not been bothering you, has he?" he asked._

"_No…we've got a truce of sorts," she said._

"_Since when?"_

"_Not about me…this is about you," she reminded him once again. Their food arrived and they sat there. She seemed a bit startled when Grissom walked into the diner. Brass waved._

_She stared at Brass._

"_I figured it was okay since you two have this truce of sorts," he said with a slight grin._

_Grissom walked over and glanced at the two._

"_Join us?" asked Brass._

_Grissom glanced at Sara and then back at Brass. He stood there unsure of where to sit. He knew it would be awkward for two men to sit side by side but then he was concerned if someone saw him sitting with Sara. He slid in beside Sara and picked up a menu. Brass grinned as Sara frowned at his reaction to the seating arrangement._

"_So how did shift go?" asked Brass._

"_You worked with us," said Grissom._

"_Right…I'd say it wasn't so bad," he said sipping on his coffee._

_Grissom placed his order quickly as they nibbled on theirs._

"_Don't wait on me," he said._

"_Good, cause Sara skipped lunch," said Brass._

_She stared down at the food. She had eaten lunch with Nick and Greg and she reasoned a slight lie would not harm anyone but as she stared at the food, she wasn't so sure. Grissom reached over and grabbed a fry._

_Brass watched Sara's reaction but she didn't seem to care._

_She picked up her sandwich and began to eat._

"_Tell me about the Martin case…"_

"_Sorry but Sara and I have a rule that we can't discuss work during dinner."_

_Grissom glanced at them both._

"_Okay, are you planning on a fishing trip any time soon?" he asked._

_Brass smiled and began talking about fishing tackle. Grissom hand slowly made its way under the table and rested on Sara's knee._

_She set her sandwich down and took a drink glancing once at Grissom._

"_You go fishing a lot?" she asked Brass. He proceeded to tell her about Nevada's best fishing locations as her right hand left the table. She picked up his hand and set it back on his own knee._

_Grissom grinned as the waitress set his food down along with a glass of tea. Without asking, Sara handed him two packets and he dropped them into the glass. He took a bite of his sandwich but stopped opening the sandwich and pulling out the pickles. He set them over on Sara's plate as she picked it up and ate it. Brass pretended not to notice any of this but continued chatting._

"_You're not eating," said Sara to Brass. He picked up his sandwich and took several bites._

"_So kiddo, think I could get you to go fishing with me?" asked Brass._

"_You bait, I'll fish," she said taking another bite of her sandwich. _

_The conversation continued. Brass and Sara got into a discussion about types of bait. Grissom took the opportunity to place his hand on her thigh. She smiled at Brass as her hand shot under the table and placed it on Grissom's thigh. Her smile spread when she noticed he quickly took a drink of tea. Her fingers tapped gently on his thigh and then began to make circular patterns. Grissom's hand left her thigh and returned to the table top. Her hand returned as well._

_She finished her sandwich and then scooted her plate over toward Grissom as he proceeded to eat a couple of her fries while he and Brass talked about their last fishing trip with Doc Robbins._

"_Doc's wife was mad at us for a week because we gave him all of the fish. She said her house smelled for days," grinned Brass._

"_That was the trip Brass and Doc fell out of the boat," said Grissom._

"_You caused it," he said._

"_I was merely letting you know there was a bear behind you."_

"_There was a bear?" asked Sara suddenly._

"_Not quite," said Grissom._

"_He lied," said Brass._

"_We're drowning and he's laughing his ass off at us," said Brass._

_Sara smiled at Grissom._

"_You're just as bad as the guys," she said to Grissom._

_He smiled at her as she finished her tea. _

"_This has been good but I've got to go…I'd plan to turn in early because of court later," said Brass._

_He reached for the check but Sara grabbed it._

"_My turn this time," she said._

"_I'll plan a fishing trip for us," he said._

"_Like I said, you bait and I'll fish," she said as she fished in her coat pocket for her wallet._

"_Other side," said Grissom._

_She checked the other side and then pulled it out._

_Brass smiled, "Night."_

_Grissom stood letting Sara out. He said nothing as she paid the bill and then headed for her car. She got in and drove to her apartment. She yawned as she stepped into the door. She was tired and wanted nothing more than to shower and then slip into her bed. She had just finished with her hair when the shower door opened. _

"_You're not even going to turn around?" he asked._

"_I've been waiting for you," she said._

_He kissed her on the neck and pulled her close._

"_Dinner was nice…I need to show up more often when you're with Brass," he said._

"_About the knee and thigh thing," she said._

"_Sorry…old habits," he said._

"_Oh so you do that with everyone that sits next to you," she teased._

_He pulled her around so that she was facing him._

"_You're good with Jim" he said._

"_He's a good friend," she said._

_He leaned in and kissed her ignoring the cool water._

"_We should move to the bedroom," she said._

_His lips trailed down her neck and sending slight chills down her spine._

"_Cold?" he whispered._

"_No…" she managed to get out. "Aroused…yes."_

_He grinned._

_He slid into the bed next to her and took her into his arms. He wasted no time making love to her. His head rested next to hers and soon he was asleep. She smiled as she snuggled closer and slept. She ignored the dream at first rolling over and landing on something warm. The sound was annoying and she found herself pulling herself from the bed. She threw her legs over the side of the bed, grabbing her robe and went in search of the noise. _

_She threw open the door and found Brass standing there._

"_What's wrong?" she asked._

"_I brought danishes," he said holding up the bag._

_She glanced at the clock._

"_It's early," she said._

"_I have court this evening remember," he said stepping toward the kitchen. He stopped and looked around._

"_Coming?"_

"_Sara…" Grissom froze when he stood there staring at Brass and Sara._

_Sara glanced at Brass._

"_Okay, so I have another diversion besides you," she said._

_Brass chuckled. "I brought enough for three."_

_He did._

_She made coffee as they sat there in the kitchen._

"_Don't worry. Your secret is safe with me. We need to discuss a few things," he said biting into the danish._

"_Discuss things?" asked Sara._

_He looked at them and chuckled again._

"_First, you two do not need to sit together…you look and act too much like a couple."_

_Sara and Grissom stared at one another._

"_You lean in on one another from time to time…you hand him sweetener as if you do it every day…he slips food from your plate and you say nothing…he places food on yours and you take it…classic sign of a comfortable relationship….oh and the sliding of the plate over…dead give away."_

_He took another bite and then slurped down some coffee._

"_Want to tell me when this happened?" he asked. "No wait, let me guess. After Sara was held at knife point…right?"_

"_Right," she said softly._

"_I came by here and saw Grissom's car…I think you two need to stay at Grissom's…no one visits him."_

_Grissom frowned._

_Sara and Brass grinned._

"_Sorry to eat and run but I've got to go…nice to see you two finally doing something about this…remember dinner on Tuesdays and Thursdays and Sara sits with me," he said as he leaned over and kissed her on the head._

"_Jim?" asked Sara._

"_Yeah?"_

"_You're still my diversion," she said._

"_Oh we have lots to talk about," he said grinning._

_Grissom stared at the two._

"He smiled and chuckled for days," said Sara.

"I think he was just giddy that he knew something that the others didn't," said Grissom.

"Things weren't so bad there for awhile," she said. "At least until you referred to us as thermite."

Note from author:

I just had to mention how Brass found out. I love that guy! Please be kind and leave a review for each chapter.

Thanks,

Penny


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter twelve:**

"I did not refer to us as thermite," he said.

"Yes….you did."

"I was referring to a suspect in a case…you just compared it to us," he said defensively.

"Right."

She rolled her eyes and looked out the window.

"_It's like thermite," said Grissom._

"_Thermite?" she asked._

"_When you combine two seemingly harmless elements -- aluminum and rust -- press them together, add heat ... it creates an explosion so hot it'll burn through steel. Powerful but uncontrollable. It burns and burns until it burns itself out, finally consuming both elements."_

"_I guess some people just shouldn't be together," said Sara._

"It was the first time you go mad at me," he said.

"Yes I was…and I was hurt," she said.

_The shift had not gone well. She threw her things in her locker causing a loud bang and Nick whistled._

"_Who got on your bad side?" he asked._

_She said nothing but stripped off her jacket and work boots and tossed them inside, slamming the door._

"_Want to talk about it?" he asked._

"_No," she said._

"_Seriously, you okay?" he asked._

"_I'm fine Nick," she said as she laced up her running shoes._

"_Gonna run?" he asked._

"_Yep," she said._

"_Want some company?" he asked._

"_It's not safe with me…you would be wise to come along another day," she said._

_She stepped out and noticed his car was already gone. _

_She didn't care. She told herself this over and over as she stretched against the wall and then took off. She passed the diner and headed up the street. Her mind replayed the comment over and over in head. _

_Of course there had been other comments._

_This had just been the one that had hurt the most._

_She was wondering how long it would take before he grew tired of the relationship. _

_If she were honest with herself he had lasted longer than she expected. _

_Nothing ever lasted where Sara Sidle was concerned._

_She remembered that first night and she felt a lump form._

_It had been explosive. _

_She told herself that it had been the most powerful feeling that she had ever felt._

_She told herself that nothing that perfect could be duplicated._

_But it was._

_Each time they came together, she had the same feeling of being completely consumed. _

_It had become addictive._

_It was worse than any drug or alcohol she could have chosen._

_One touch and she could feel her body click on and respond. She was sure she was not as experienced as Grissom but she had never felt this way. _

_The first few times had been memorable but now it was scary. _

_She could not imagine ever living without his touch._

_She stopped running and tried to catch her breath. She glanced up and noticed she had run three miles._

_She told herself that she should be thankful._

_He had tried._

_He had given himself to her._

_It was more than she ever expected from him._

_She should be thankful but instead she was pissed._

_If she was honest with herself she would admit she was hurt._

_If she dug down deep, she would admit she was scared to death._

_She was scared that if it was indeed over, then she would have to go on without him._

_She swallowed hard._

_She knew that was the really scary part._

_She couldn't imagine going on without him._

_She couldn't imagine watching him go on without her._

_There would be another in his life she was sure of it and she would have to stand by and watch someone else take her place._

_She told herself that it was part of taking a risk on love._

_She told herself she could do this._

_She told herself that she could handle the loss._

_She told herself that the loss would be too great to bear._

_She sat down on the bench and felt her lungs burning._

_She had just run another three miles._

_She looked around and felt the lump again and swallowed once more._

_She wasn't ready to cry._

_She was still too angry._

_She pulled herself up and began running again._

_She began to count the cracks in the sidewalk._

_Forty…fifty…sixty…he's probably asleep by now…seventy…probably doesn't even miss me…eighty…ninety…shit…_

_She felt a leg cramp and slowed._

_She began to walk._

_She glanced at her watch and half smiled through the tears._

_She wouldn't have to worry about not being able to sleep. _

_She could not imagine where the hours had gone._

_She was just taking a run._

_The leg cramp got worse._

_She began to limp now._

_She could tell her pulse was racing._

_It reminded her how breathless she was after lovemaking._

_She swallowed again._

_Her mouth was now dry._

_It seemed all of the moisture from her lips were now tears that fell._

_She glanced up and saw that somehow she had managed to make her way back to the lab._

_Her leg hurt like hell._

_She jumped into her vehicle and blasted herself with cool air as she drove to her apartment._

_A soak in the tub and then another bout of tears did wonders to refresh her in time for shift._

_She glanced down at her phone and decided it was time to turn it on._

_Five messages were blinking._

_She decided that they could remain there for awhile._

_She downed another bottle of water and then something for the pain._

_Her knee was rebelling against the cruel marathon she had put her body through._

_She didn't care._

_It would give her an excuse if anyone noticed the redness in her eyes._

_She stepped back into the lab._

_She sat there as assignments were handed out and she took hers from the person responsible for the debilitating sense of loss._

_She grabbed Greg and headed toward their assignment._

_She didn't even look back to see that he was watching her limp._

"_Sara?" he called._

_She stopped but was not sure she was strong enough to turn and face him just yet she did._

"_Yes?"_

"_Are you okay? You're limping." he said._

"_Jogging," she said._

"_You going to be okay…to work in the field?" he asked._

"_I'm good," she said turning. She mustered all of the will power she could to turn and walk without a limp. She was sure she failed miserably._

_They had been on the site for an hour when he showed up. She kept her eyes locked to the floor. She told herself that she would probably not be able to walk after the shift. It was her fault anyway as she crawled around collecting the evidence._

"_Let me help," he offered._

"_I'm almost done," she said as she continued._

"_Good cause my knees hate this part of the job," he said as he joined her. He glanced around and saw that they were alone._

"_You uhm didn't come by after shift," he said. "I wanted to talk with you."_

_She said nothing but felt the lump return._

"_You uhm didn't return my phone calls," he said._

"_I didn't think it was necessary," she said._

_He looked confused._

"_Look, I get it…thermite…different way of saying it but I get it," she said._

_He looked panicked now._

"_Wait…"_

_She was up now and joining Greg in the other room._

_He could feel his pulse rate shoot up to a hundred._

_They worked the remainder of the shift on the site and once it was done, they were already into the next shift. Her muscles screamed but she knew there would be no rest until the evidence was logged and returned to the lab. She slid into the vehicle with Greg and they left. Grissom stood there and watched as they drove away. Brass came and looked at him._

"_What's wrong with you?" he asked._

_He said nothing but stopped and turned, "Sara say anything to you about yesterday?"_

"_No. She left a message canceling dinner," he said._

_Grissom said nothing and headed to his vehicle._

_She was grateful when she returned to the sanctuary of her apartment. She changed clothes and slumped down on the couch and propped up her knee. It was swollen._

_She heard her phone go off and she sighed pulling it out of her pocket._

_It was Grissom._

_She decided it was probably easier to break off things on the phone rather than in person._

_She flipped open the phone._

"_Sara?"_

"_Yes?"_

"_Are you okay?" he asked. _

"_I'm fine."_

"_Can we talk?" he asked._

"_I answered the phone," she said._

"_No…I mean in person," he said._

"_I'm tired Grissom. I just want to sleep," she said._

"_It won't take long," he said._

"_Fine," she said._

_There was a knock at her door and she opened the door to find him standing there with phone still in hand._

"_Hey," he said softly._

_She opened the door wider and he stepped in._

"_I was worried about you," he said. "How is the knee?"_

"_It'll be good in a day or so," she said._

_He glanced down and could see the swelling._

"_Honey, you need to prop that up," he said pulling her over to the couch._

"_It'll be…" she bit her lower lip when his hands began to examine the knee. He massaged gently and she could feel her body already responding to his touch._

"_Better?" he asked._

_She nodded._

"_You look tired," he said._

"_I am."_

"_How far did you run yesterday?" he asked._

"_Ten miles," she said._

_He stared at her. "Preparing for a marathon or something?"_

"_I uhm…lost track of time."_

"_Did I uhm…do anything?" he asked._

_She stared at him._

_Of course, he had done something._

_He had referred to them as thermite._

_She said nothing as she lay there._

_His hand settled on the calf of her leg and he rubbed gently. It then slid up to her thigh settling there as one of his fingers slipped into her panties and tugged slightly. His eyes darkened along with hers. He leaned over and kissed her as his fingers dipped deeper and her breath became ragged as he released her lips._

"_Let me carry you to bed," he whispered._

_She swallowed hard but could not manage to say anything except nod._

_She felt herself being lifted and soon they were there beneath the covers. He kissed her once more and she closed her eyes as his hands began to slide down her body and rest on her waist. The clothes had been tossed in a small heap in the floor and now her body lay naked beneath his. One slight tug and she was positioned perfectly to allow him access. He hovered above and waited until her eyes opened. _

_Brown eyes stared in blue._

_Their bodies were mere inches apart._

_The anticipation began to build as he dipped down and kissed her once more. His tongue sought hers and soon their bodies were molded together. Their lovemaking was frenzied as they each sought release. Their bodies exploded in perfect unison and she trembled slightly from the intensity of it._

"_Want to tell me what's bothering you?" he whispered._

"_Us," she managed to say._

"_Us?" he asked as he felt his own pulse quicken again._

_She nodded._

_He rolled over to the side and propped up his head._

"_I'm listening," he said._

_She licked her lips._

_Their eyes locked._

"_Thermite," she said._

"_Thermite?"_

"_Yes, thermite."_

_He stared at her._

_She stared at him._

_He blinked._

_Her eyes looked away._

"_You thought I was talking about us?" he asked suddenly._

_She nodded._

_His eyes grew wide and then he did something completely unGrissom like._

_He went into a fit of laughter._

_She was not amused._

_She sat up with arms folded and watched as he laughed._

"_Find it amusing?" she asked._

_He glanced over and saw that she was mad….really mad._

"_I'm sorry…Sara, I was merely making an observation about a case…it had nothing to do with us."_

"_Right…like the other things," she said._

_He looked serious now. "What other things?"_

"_You said you didn't like our arrangement…it was complicated…you missed a routine…the bathroom is too small…you…"_

"_You think I've been hinting to break things off?" he asked._

_She stared at him._

_He stared at her._

_He grinned._

_It made her mad._

_He thought she looked cute._

_He reached over and kissed her before she could pull away._

"_I'm sorry Sara. I didn't mean for you to think…It was an innocent statement. As for the other things, I don't like it here," he said._

_She threw her legs over the side of the bed and grabbed her robe. She stood and winced from the pain in her knee. He quickly grabbed her hand._

"_Let, me explain. I don't like it here cause I'm afraid someone is going to find out about this. My place is more secure…it does have a bigger bathroom and I would like to go to sleep and wake up with you…we rarely do that."_

_He pulled her down on the bed._

"_I have a bigger bed," he said letting his fingers slide down her arm. "I'd share…with you. I have a couple of drawers and space in the closet. I know you like your privacy but you could stay a couple of nights each week…couldn't you?" he asked._

_She stared at him._

"_You want me to move in with you?" she asked._

"_Spend the night…once or twice…three or four nights…you can come and go whenever you need," he said.._

_She felt the lump again._

"_Griss?"_

"_Yeah?"_

"_You think my supervisor would mind if I stayed home tomorrow and rested my knee?"_

"_Hurts doesn't it?" he asked._

_She nodded._

"_You uhm ran….because you were mad?"_

_She nodded._

"_I'm sorry," he said with a slight twinkle in his eye._

"_This isn't funny," she said._

"_No…it's not," he said. He pulled her back into the bed and spooned his body up to hers._

"_I'm sorry," he whispered as he rubbed her knee. _

"You did that a lot….mistook what I said," he said.

"Really?" she said with arms folded.

"Yes, really. Remember that couple that didn't sleep together?" He asked.

"I remember you hightailed it out of there when I picked up the….."

"Again, you misunderstood."

"Did I misunderstand you when you said quote some men are intimidated by beauty or fear of rejection? Who were you referring to?" she asked with arms folded.

"That was different," he said now keeping his eyes focused on the road.

"Right," said Sara grinning.

"And you never said something in the lab to the others that was meant for me?" he asked.

She thought for a moment.

"Yes…I did. I told Hodges that grey hair can be attractive…it is ….on you," she said smiling as she readjusted in her seat.

He blushed as he looked out his window avoiding her side of the vehicle.

She sat there smug for a little while.

He was quiet for a moment.

"The worst part of that year was Jim getting shot," he said.

She nodded. "I didn't think he was going to make it."

"Me either."

His hand rested on the seat between them and her hand went to his.

"I wanted to throttle Ellie. She seemed interested in only what she could get out of him…Jim deserves so much more from her. I mean she has no idea how lucky she is to have a father like him. He's done nothing but bend over backwards for her and she's not even his daughter. He pretends it doesn't hurt him but it does," she said as she swiped at her eyes.

"Sara?"

She turned away.

"You okay?"

"I took him for granted…for a long time…he would come around while I was working in the field and check up on me…even on his day off. He would say he was in the neighborhood but I knew different. He'd driven across town when he should have been home just to say, hey kiddo."

His hand reached out and took hers. She pretended to be interested in the billboard on her side.

"He loves you too Sara."

"I know….I wish I had said it to him sooner….I never said it until after the shooting. I could have missed my chance."

He pulled her hand up to his lips and kissed it.

"I think Jim's shooting made all of us think about our mortality," he said quietly.

She stared at him. She remembered his words that night in the hotel room across from the hospital.

_Most people want to die in their sleep, I suppose. Never know that it's happening. Like a crime scene. Surprise, you're dead. I'd prefer to know in advance that I was going to die. I'd like to be diagnosed with cancer, actually. Have some time to prepare. Go back to the rain forest one more time. Reread 'Moby Dick.' Possibly enter an international chess tournament. At least have enough time to say good-bye to the people I love._

_Sara knelt down in front of the bed_

"_I'm not ready to say good-bye," said Sara._

"You told me you weren't ready to say goodbye," he said out loud.

He was surprised he said it but he stared at her. She looked away. His hand reached out and gently nudged her chin to look at him.

"Sara…I never want to say goodbye to you," he said. "Not ever."

She coughed trying to hide the emotions welling up.

"I uhm think I'm going to try to sleep now," she said. She rolled to her side and he pulled up the blanket.

_No fever today…_

_Course she's been taking medicine…_

"You would tell me if you're sick, right?" he asked.

"I'm not sick…just tired," she said.

"The doctors were concerned about your lungs…the scarring," he said glancing over at her.

She had closed her eyes but opened them when she felt his eyes on her.

"You really want to go back to the rain forest?" she asked.

He smiled. "Yes….with you."

"Too many bugs," she said.

"Beautiful bugs," he said.

She grinned.

She was quiet for a moment but then jerked up.

"Who's taking care of your…"

"Hodges."

"Hodges?"

"He offered."

"But…"

"I had Brass bring them in to the office."

She relaxed and closed her eyes once more.

"Sara?"

"Hmmm?"

"Promise me no more goodbyes."

Her eyes remained closed.

"I won't tell you goodbye again," she said.

He smiled and focused on the road but then frowned.

"Sara?"

"Hmmm?"

"No leaving either," he said.

Her eyes fluttered opened and she looked at him.

"No leaving…not without you."

He smiled and continued driving.

"Sara?"

"I'm sleeping," she said.

He grinned.

"One more thing," he said.

She opened her eyes and looked at him.

"I love you."

She reached over and kissed him.

"You can sleep now," he said.

She slept for an hour but then woke with a start. He reached over and rubbed her arm.

"Dream?"

She stared at him in confusion.

"Sara?"

She seemed upset but said nothing. The remainder of the car trip was done in silence. She seemed preoccupied with her thoughts rather than their location.

"We're here," he said.

She glanced around.

"It's beautiful," she said.

"You have the key?" he asked.

She pulled out the key and handed it to him.

Grissom unlocked the door and stepped inside. It was a nice four bedroom villa. There was a note sitting on the counter and Grissom picked it up.

"It's for you," said Grissom.

Sara opened the note.

_Sara,_

_A friend of mine helped set up the master suite for me. The kitchen is fully stocked and there are dinner reservations for both of you at my favorite restaurant. Be safe. Be happy. _

_Love,_

_Nick._

She sniffled.

"He had the villa stocked. I hope he remembered I was a vegetarian," she said jokingly.

"I hope he remembered that I'm not."

"Let's go check out the suite," she said.

"Got any ideas?" he asked.

"Nick mentioned it in the note."

They stood there and stared at the room and then glanced at one another.

"It'll do," said Grissom with a smile.

"This is beautiful…Nick should bring ….." she stopped.

"Bring who?" he asked

"Nobody," she said.

He frowned. "You and Nick keeping secrets now?"

"We always did," she said smiling.

"I'm hungry," he said grabbing her arm. "Let's find something in the kitchen."

Sandwiches were made along with a small salad. She sat there and ate half of the sandwich before pushing the plate away.

He pushed it back.

She stared at him.

"That's not enough," he said.

"I'm full."

"You're going to need more than that," he said pushing it back.

She picked up the sandwich and continued eating.

He smiled but said nothing as he continued to eat.

"You never mentioned seeing Heather again…that year," she said.

"She lost her daughter….she almost lost herself," he said quietly.

"I remember you spent some time with her," she said.

"Yes…I did for a couple of days until she threw me out and refused to let me help."

"I remember working doubles…trying not to let my mind sit idle and over think your relationship with her."

"I wanted her to get through the loss."

She finished the sandwich and pushed the plate towards him.

He smiled.

"You know, you used to eat more when I picked up dinner for you," he said.

"I remember you almost gave us away when you brought me dinner in front of Warrick."

"You hadn't eaten…we skipped lunch to stay in bed that day…it was the least I could do," he said smiling.

She returned the smile.

"Let's go for a walk," he said.

They headed out the front door and down the street. It was a beautiful town. They passed a few shops along the way but a chapel caught Sara's eye. She felt drawn to it as she pulled Grissom toward it.

"Sara, you're not Catholic," he said.

"It's beautiful," she said as she stepped inside.

It was beautiful. Sara walked slowly through the chapel as she stared at the high vaulted ceilings and the stain glass windows. The spiral staircase made her stop abruptly. There were two 360 degree turns with no visible means of support.

"Construction of the Loretto Chapel was begun in 1873 and completed in 1878," said Grissom as he read the brochure he had picked up.

"The staircase…do you see the staircase?" asked Sara.

Grissom grinned. "It's hard not to. It's very unique."

"It's impossible," she breathed out as she stood in front of it now and gazed up at it. Her hands caressed the wood and she found herself examining every inch of it.

"Sara?"

When she did not respond, he gently touched her arm.

"Sara?"

"Hmmmm? Sorry I can't get over the workmanship that went into this," she said.

"I'm glad you've found something to occupy that brain of yours," he said with a grin.

"How do you think the craftsman managed to incorporate two 360 degree spirals…this is unbelievable. It's a physics wonder," she said.

"We'll look for some books about its construction," said Grissom slowly pulling her away. She kept her eyes diverted to the staircase until they were finally outside.

"Griss…I wasn't done," she said.

"You can come back," he said. "It's been a long day. We don't want to overdo it."

"I feel fine," she pouted.

"We have plenty of time Sara….no rushing…no worrying about the lab. Just us," he said.

It made her smile.

"Just us," she repeated.

They headed back towards the villa when she stopped making him turn to face her.

"Gil? Thank you for coming with me," she said.

It made him smile.

He kissed her gently on the lips as they continued back.

Note from author:

Sorry for the late post but I am working late again as usual to get ready for my trip next week. Please be kind and leave a review!

Take care,

Penny


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter Thirteen:**

They lay there in bed facing each other as they tried to slow their breathing.

"You seem a little winded," said Grissom.

"Just need to catch my breath," she said.

"Need the inhaler?" he asked.

"I'm fine," she said.

"You were supposed to follow up with that lung specialist because of the scar tissue from the ingestion of sand…did you do that?"

She rolled over to her back.

He scooted closer until he was looking down on her.

"You didn't…did you?"

"I scheduled it but then I had to cancel because of court and then things kept getting in the way."

"As soon as we get back," he said. "You're going to reschedule it."

She said nothing.

He then realized she did not argue that she was not going back.

It was a good sign.

"I guess we're up to year seven," he said softly.

"Seventh year," she said quietly.

"Remember when we played with the chainsaws?" she asked.

He smiled. "We did have some fun moments, didn't we?"

Her smile soon faded.

"Greg got beat up…I never saw him so vulnerable," she said.

"I was very proud of the way he handled himself in that case," said Grissom.

"You know, he looks up to you…always has…it meant a lot to him when you came and talked with him at the hospital," she said.

"I remember I slept alone that night," he said.

"I slept with Greg…at the hospital," she said.

"I know. I came by and found you two together in his bed watching TV."

"His mom caught us too. She didn't seem too thrilled about me…I explained I was a friend and not a girlfriend. I think she believed I was too old for him."

"I bet you made his week by staying with him," said Grissom.

"Nick stayed over at his place for a couple of nights until we knew he was okay," said Sara.

"You're a good friend to him," said Grissom. "I remember you lied and said you were the one who was playing the loud music in the lab."

She grinned. "He'd been yelled at enough. His mother was giving him fits for not telling her he was now working in the field."

He grinned, "I'm glad he took my advice and told them."

"You know you treated him a little different as well."

"I knew he felt guilty for the kid's death…the kid would have killed Greg if he had been given the chance."

Sara was quiet.

"You want to keep going?" he asked.

She rolled over and faced him.

"We had already gotten three of the miniatures," she said.

"Yes….we thought Ernie Dell had committed the murders."

"But you weren't convinced."

"Something didn't feel right. I had no evidence to suggest otherwise but it just bothered me."

"I remember. You seemed distant….spending more time at the lab…less with me. The next thing I know you're telling me you're going on a sabbatical."

"I needed to teach….to get my mind off things for awhile."

"Things?"

He was quiet.

She stared at him.

"I needed to get away," he said. "I needed to think."

"About us?"

"Yes."

"You were having second thoughts?"

"I didn't like breaking department rules….I certainly didn't like sneaking around."

She rolled onto her back and coughed.

"Everyone thought you weren't going to come back."

"I did. I always meant to come back. Sara…."

"You didn't call or write. I got worried. I was staying more and more at your place…most of my things were already there…I thought you were tired of having me around."

"That's not true. I didn't know what to say….how to explain it to you."

She was quiet now.

"I sent you the cocoon."

"I wanted to hear your voice."

"I wrote you a letter…I didn't send it. I'm not good at expressing my feelings on paper."

"I found it in my book."

"I put it there…I wanted you to know that I did think of you while I was away. You seemed different when I got back."

"I wasn't sure about us anymore."

"I'm sorry."

She was quiet for a moment. "Catherine took Keppler's death hard."

"I was with her when he died. She wanted to save him. He had too many ghosts."

He wished he had not used that word when he saw her reaction.

He pulled her into his arms.

"I was glad when I got back. I couldn't wait to see you. I remember you had gone dumpster diving….I didn't care I just wanted to hold you."

"You let me cut your beard," she said softly.

"_Trust me?" she asked._

"_Intimately," he said._

"You seemed sad again," he said. "I didn't know how to make it right."

"I was scared…of losing you. I was afraid you'd grown tired of me…too much baggage," she said. "I know our relationship was complicated…"

"Our relationship was not complicated…our jobs were complicated," he said.

"Why didn't you call?" she asked.

"I didn't want to hear the hurt in your voice and not be able to do anything about it….too many miles between us," he said.

"You put the miles there," she said. "You left first…"

His head shot up. "Yes, I did but I didn't leave a note that said goodbye. I came to you and…"

"Sorry…that wasn't fair," she said rolling over to her side of the bed.

"Sara, I couldn't explain it to you because I couldn't explain it to myself. I didn't leave because I didn't love you. I left because I needed to know that I could do something other than the lab and still enjoy it."

"Did you?"

"I would have if you had been with me," he said. "If I learned anything from the sabbatical it was I didn't want to be away from you…ever."

She said nothing as she lay there. He rolled closer.

"I wanted more from our relationship and didn't know how to have it…it meant making changes. I'd gotten used to the way my life was," he said. "I wanted our relationship out in the open but it would mean changes…giving up working with you."

His hand reached over and caressed her cheek.

"I did give you something to make up for the absence," he said.

"Hank," she said.

"I thought he would cheer you up."

"A dog that slobbers, chews on my tennis shoes and loves to wake me with a wet tongue…wait the wet tongue is you," she teased.

"You love him…I became jealous of how he got to lay in your lap on the couch…that used to be my spot."

"You got him."

"Yes, I did."

"Gil?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you…it was very sweet."

"He's probably chewing on Greg's shoes now, slobbering on his bed and waking him with a wet tongue."

"Lucky Greg," she said.

"You're leaving caught me off guard…"

"I uhm…" She breathed in and felt little air in her lungs as she coughed.

He said nothing but got up and returned with the inhaler.

She held it a moment before using it.

"This cough is getting worse," he said sounding concerned.

"I'm getting better," she said not wanting to acknowledge the tightness still in her chest.

"Let's get some sleep," he said.

She didn't object as she showered and then slipped back into bed with him beside her. He pressed his hand across her forehead.

"I don't have a fever," she said.

"Just checking," he said.

She kissed him as she closed her eyes.

He was the first to fall asleep. She knew he was tired even though he tried not to show it. She lay there trying to sleep but soon gave up and slipped out of the room. She took the opportunity to rummage through her suitcase for a book she had purchased. He had placed the suitcases in the closet and she was surprised when she found her laptop sitting beside them. She glanced at his sleeping form as she picked it up and took it to the other room.

_He must have recovered it from the plane…._

_He would have searched it for information…._

_My journal…_

His hand reached across the bed only to find it cold and empty. He rose looking around but she was nowhere. He grabbed for his robe and soon found her sitting in a chair with the laptop sitting open.

"You should be sleeping," he said.

"You took my laptop to the lab…as evidence," she said.

He sighed.

"Yes….but no one saw it but me."

"You read my journal?"

"Sara, I was worried. I was trying to locate you."

"I didn't need to be located."

"I didn't know that and besides you would have done the same thing," he said sitting down.

"You shouldn't have read that," she said quietly.

"I didn't read all of it….just the last two months…I was worried….when you said you were going to self destruct if you…"

"You thought I was going to off myself?"

"No….were you?"

The question hung in the air.

It had been his greatest fear.

"I'm tired….not depressed," she said using his own words as her defense.

"You didn't tell me your counselor prescribed…"

"I didn't take it…I've never taken any…you think I'm emotionally unstable?"

"No, I don't. It's the reason I didn't get the prescription filled. Sara, you're exhausted. You're burned out. You needed a break. I also think you're sick."

"I'm not sick."

"Come back to bed," he said.

"I can't sleep," she said.

"I'll hold you," he offered.

She didn't budge but sat there with her arms wrapped around her legs.

"Sara?"

"I began losing my perspective…trusting the wrong persons…I was tired of meeting dead people every day and then we found someone alive only to have her die in my arms…I first thought I would be like Nick…he never gave up on that little girl and she was found alive…Cammie died anyway and I held her murderer's hand."

"I remember you were upset for several days….you couldn't sleep…you kept taking Hank for walks. You wouldn't let me in…you wouldn't talk about it."

"I couldn't. I uhm kept seeing Cammie's face every time I closed my eyes. It was just one of many," she said leaning back with a sigh. "She uhm had a child…she gave it up for adoption."

"I remember," he said.

"I can't imagine giving away a child…to lose a part of yourself forever," she said softly. She drifted off in thought for a moment but he pulled her up interrupting whatever she was thinking about.

"Come back to bed," he said again.

"You go…I'll be there soon," she said.

He leaned back. "What do you want to talk about?"

"Gil, go back to sleep…you don't have to babysit me."

"I thought I handled Hodges and the others breaking into my office fairly well," he said.

"Hodges had good intentions…he did find the link to all of the miniature killings…bleach," she said quietly.

He glanced at her briefly and exhaled deeply before continuing the next topic.

"Some of your things were no longer at the townhouse when I got back from sabbatical," he said.

"I didn't stay there…I stayed at the apartment. I just went by your place to take care of things," she said sitting back down.

"You said you would stay there," he said watching her expressions.

"It was your home…not mine. Besides, I thought Nick or Greg would come around since you were gone and Keppler was acting strange."

"Did they?"

"No…we were too busy chasing reverse evidence."

"You guys decided not to trust Catherine," he said.

"We trusted the evidence…it did not jive with Catherine and Keppler."

"I taught you well."

A slight grin crossed her face.

He looked at her now, a sense of remorse on his face.

"My leaving really hurt you. Didn't it?" he asked.

"I never felt secure about our relationship….once I started staying over at your place I was beginning to think that maybe you felt the same as I did….but then you announced you were leaving….the insecurities returned."

"You were still insecure even after I came back."

"I didn't know where I stood…what I was to you…I knew what you were to me…my life…it scared me….I moved my things back to my apartment and waited for you to call, write, or come back and tell me it was over."

"I'm sorry."

"I'm tired… of talking," she said.

He came to sit beside her.

"You're my life Sara. I missed you while I was away. As soon as I left I wished I had never agreed to teach that class."

She said nothing.

"Think you could sleep?" he asked.

She nodded even though she was more awake now than before but she said nothing as they returned to bed. He spooned his body up next to hers and gently brushed the hair from her cheek as he kissed it.

"You remember when we worked the Happy Morales case?" he asked suddenly.

"Yes."

"_So you've been to a place like this before?" asked Sara._

"_I worked a murder-suicide at the Naughty Kitty once," said Grissom._

"_No, no, come on. You know what I mean."_

"_As a customer? No."_

"_You never paid for sex?"_

"_I have not. I find the whole idea very ... bleak."_

"_Really? How come?"_

"_Sex should provide the opportunity for human connection, but paid sex does the opposite of that. To me, sex without love is pointless. It makes you sad."_

"_Well, I'm pretty sure I don't make you sad."_

"_No. You make me happy."_

"I was trying to tell you how much I loved you."

"I was glad it was more than sex," she whispered.

"It's never been sex, Sara."

She was quiet.

"Sara, was it ever just sex to you?"

"It was just sex with Hank…I thought I would feel something more….I didn't…I was angry with myself for giving myself to….nothing."

He held her tight.

She turned now to face him.

"It wasn't just sex with you and Heather was it?"

He didn't want to answer.

He didn't want to hurt her.

Note from author:

Yes, I told you Heather and Hank would return...some angst to follow. Please be kind and leave a review.

Take care,

Penny


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter Fourteen:**

"No…I had feelings for her…I never would have…."

"So you had feelings for Heather while I was having sex with Hank…."

"Sara…"

She rolled back over and closed her eyes.

He let her.

He did not know how to soothe the hurt. The hurt was his fault. He turned to Heather when he told himself he could not have Sara. Heather seemed to understand what he was going through. She did not ask for love and he knew he could not give it. He loved Sara but told himself Sara was happy with someone else.

She wasn't.

He hurt for both of them.

He watched as she struggled to sleep. She tossed and turned and yet she could not sleep. She eventually got up and showered. She said nothing as she went to the kitchen and poured some juice.

"You want to talk?" he asked.

"Not right now," she said.

"I could fix us some omelets," he offered.

"I couldn't eat," she said.

"Sara…"

"I uhm need to get some air," she said.

"I'll come with you," he offered.

"Don't…" she stopped herself. "Take a shower…I'll be outside."

She stepped outside and sat down on the deck.

He decided that perhaps she needed some time alone.

When he came outside, she was gone.

He panicked.

He spent the next several hours searching for her but it was as if she had disappeared. He glanced down at the street and spotted her stepping out of the chapel. He sighed heavily.

When she returned to the villa, he was sitting in a chair. He said nothing as she stepped in and sat down on the couch.

"Would you like to have lunch?" he asked.

She shook her head.

"Sara, you haven't eaten…"  
"I don't need you to remind me to eat or sleep or…." She stopped when she saw the hurt on his face.

"You didn't put me in bed with Hank…I did that…I willingly had sex with him…it was consensual…not forced…not rape…" she stopped suddenly and glanced at him.

"Sara?"

"I'm going to go lie down…I'm tired," she said.

He watched as she disappeared down the hallway.

He left her alone for the evening. When several hours passed and she did not come from the bedroom, he went to check on her. She lay curled up on the bed. He was surprised to find her awake.

"Sleep any?" he asked.

She shook her head.

"Want to talk?" he asked.

She shook her head.

He caressed her cheek and felt the warmth immediately.

His hand settled on her forehead.

"You have a temperature."

She said nothing but lay there.

He got up and rummaged through the medicine cabinet finding the things he needed and returned.

"Open up," he whispered. He slipped the thermometer into her mouth and waited. He removed it and glanced at her.

"How do you feel?"

"Tired," she said.

"You have a temp of 101"

He placed the medicine in her hand and then handed her the glass of water.

She took it and lay back down.

"Just rest," he said.

He canceled their dinner plans and served dinner in bed that evening. She ate little as they sat there together. He wanted to point out the lack of nourishment she was giving to her body but he did not wish to start an argument so he said nothing when she pushed the tray away. She curled back up into the bed and he sat there with her. He gently rubbed her back as he began to recite Shakespeare.

Betwixt mine eye and heart a league is took,  
And each doth good turns now unto the other:  
When that mine eye is famish'd for a look,  
Or heart in love with sighs himself doth smother,  
With my love's picture then my eye doth feast  
And to the painted banquet bids my heart;  
Another time mine eye is my heart's guest  
And in his thoughts of love doth share a part:  
So, either by thy picture or my love,  
Thyself away art resent still with me;  
For thou not farther than my thoughts canst move,  
And I am still with them and they with thee;  
Or, if they sleep, thy picture in my sight  
Awakes my heart to heart's and eye's delight.

"Sonnet 47, Shakespeare," she whispered.

"I recited it to myself every time I went to sleep while I was away. I missed you so much," he said.

"Me too," she said.

She felt the emotions welling inside her.

_Sex without love is sad…_

_Sex without love…._

_Sex without love…_

_He had loved Heather…_

_It was why he went out of his way to help her…_

_He was helping someone he loved….loves…_

"Did Heather make you happy?" she asked.

"She understood me," he said. "It was good to talk with her…we played chess…she beat me."

"So…she didn't make you sad?"

He wasn't sure where she was going with the questioning.

"No, she didn't…."

Then it hit him like a ton of bricks.

"Sara, you'r e the only person I've ever loved."

"You said it yourself…sex without love is sad…she didn't make you sad…you loved her…"

"I cared for her. We both were going through a difficult time. We needed each other….I…."

She didn't want to hear anymore. The conversation was getting too painful and she was not strong enough to handle it. All of the hurt and pain she felt during that time seemed fresh and the pain in her chest intensified. Her mind seemed set on replaying every hurtful memory and she gasped at the pain she felt. He had given himself to Heather when she had offered herself time and time again.

She reached for the inhaler but it was useless. The pain remained. Nothing had helped before. She had tried working shift after shift and then drink after drink and even tried giving her body to someone else thinking that just the sheer pleasure of sex would help diminish the hurt but it did nothing. It wasn't exactly the truth. It had done something. It had broken her but at the time she refused to admit it hiding the pieces within herself.

She finally felt her airway relaxing and the soothing air rushed into her lungs.

"How long has this been happening?" he asked suddenly.

She breathed in deeply trying to force herself to remain calm.

"A week or two…" she said between wheezes.

"Just sit…no talking," he said. "Nod yes or no. Understood?"

She nodded.

"Shortness of breath?"

She nodded.

"Using the inhaler every day?"

She nodded.

"Tightness in chest?"

She stared at him.

"Answer me!"

"Gil…"

He was putting the inhaler back into her mouth.

"I take it the answer to my last question was yes."

She nodded.

"Does your chest hurt?"

She nodded.

"Doctor….tomorrow…we're going," he said seething.

She nodded.

"Sorry…" she managed to get out.

"No talking….just breathe."

She tried once more to explain but had the thermometer shoved into her mouth once again.

"Temp is going up," he said.

She slept this time, her body taking over and forcing her mind to shut down. It was a fitful sleep as she tossed and turned. He stayed with her not wanting to leave her alone. He continued to monitor the fever and was relieved when it was lower the next time he checked it. He called and managed to find a clinic nearby that would take her immediately.

He roused her from her sleep but she refused to get up.

"Sara, you have to get ready….I scheduled a doctor appointment," he said.

"I'm fine…just need to sleep," she said.

"As soon as we get back," he said.

She felt herself being helped to the shower and once that was done, she looked down and found herself dressed. It took all of her strength and now she sat there on the edge of the bed.

"Ready?"

She stood telling her feet to move with each command. She did not protest when she felt his hand under her elbow and the other around her waist.

She leaned her head on his shoulder as they sat in the doctor's office. She shivered and he rubbed her arms.

"Shouldn't be much longer," he said.

He was relieved when they were called. She sat there now on the examining table and answered the questions. He watched as the stethoscope moved from side to side and then back followed by requests for deep breaths causing her to cough and then she was being told to lie back and he was alarmed when the doctor placed an oxygen mask over her face.

"What's wrong with her?" he asked.

"Pneumonia," said the doctor.

The abduction was disclosed and the doctor's head shot up.

"Have her lungs been rechecked since her release?"

She shook her head.

"Hard to breath, isn't it?" he asked her.

She nodded.

"The inhaler isn't going to help…I want to admit her for a couple of days…"

She was pulling off the mask now and shaking her head.

Her eyes pleaded with Grissom.

"Could she be treated on an outpatient basis?" asked Grissom.

He looked at her.

"Stay for tests…be back in three days for another round of tests," he said.

She nodded.

"Stubborn?" the doctor asked.

"Very," replied Grissom as he held her hand.

"I'll get the paperwork started," he said.

She fell asleep waiting for the tests. He sat there as she seemed to breathe easier with the oxygen mask. Once the tests were completed, they returned back to the villa. She went straight to bed without protests. She didn't even protest when he placed the tray of food in front of her. She ate most of it still trying to avoid eye contact with him. Once she was done, he removed the tray and stepped out leaving her to rest. She knew he was angry since he had said little. She lay there for a couple of hours before sitting up and swinging her legs over the side of the bed. She stopped the moment she heard his voice.

"Don't think about getting up," he said.

"I wasn't….I need to go to the bathroom," she lied.

She stepped inside the bathroom and turned on the faucet letting the water run for a moment as she looked at herself in the mirror. She had seen better days. She sighed. She washed her face and then returned to the bed. He was sitting there now.

"You've been quiet," she said.

"I've been thinking," he said.

She nodded.

"Want to know what I've been thinking?" he asked.

"Yes…." She said hesitantly.

"Heather," he said.

It was not what she imagined he would say. She swallowed hard but said nothing.

"Do you know why I was thinking about Heather?" he asked.

She shook her head now wishing she had remained in bed alone.

"She often spoke of you….how nice you were to her in the hospital even though we had been together. It meant a lot to her….Sara, the only thing between Heather and me is friendship. I don't love her…she knew I was not capable of loving anyone...she knew I loved someone else…you. I felt guilty…I felt like I had used her…she won't admit it but she's been used before and has the scars to show it….she just won't let you see them unless she trusts you…I understood that…I trust so few people. She lost her daughter and I wanted her to have some kind of relationship with her granddaughter. She has no one else."

She nodded.

"Are we through discussing Heather?"

"Yes."

"Good cause now I want to talk about Hank."

She bristled.

"I hated Hank. I never liked him. I was jealous. It was the reason I called you back after you went out of town. It is my fault you slept with him. If I had been upfront with you, it never would have happened. I'll never forgive myself for doing that to you. I think it hurt you more than you're willing to admit. You slept with Hank because I slept with Heather. You sought what I refused to give you. I should have. I've hurt you so much. "

She started to say something but he was already back up and out of the room. She sat there and swiped at her eyes wishing he had stayed. She lay there and waited for him to return and while she waited, she fell asleep.

Note from author:

I know I am posting at odd hours but I am doing a juggling act here...and failing miserably. LOL Please be kind and leave a review. It is the reason I slave at the computer. By the way, I got an idea for another story...yes I dreamed it...I so need therapy. LOL I am hoping that while I am in NY this week, I can finish the other two so I can post those while I am writing this new one.

Take care,

Penny


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter Fifteen:**

She slept most of the next two days only waking at his insistence to eat and take her medicine. She woke one evening and felt better than she had in weeks. She slowly made her way out of bed and slipped into the shower.

He was there immediately standing outside the shower. She peered out and smiled but was met with a scowl.

"I needed a shower," she said.

"You're not supposed to be up," he said.

"I feel better," she said. "Much better than I've felt in weeks."

He was glad.

"Join me?" she asked.

He was there in seconds.

He took the washcloth from her hands and began to wash her. She let him. She felt her energy slipping away and he softly whispered, "Almost done."

He quickly washed her hair and then he was towel drying her hair and helping her dress.

"You got mad at me a few times when I tried to help you dress after the abduction," he said.

"I wanted things back to normal," she said.

"Feel like sitting outside for awhile? I think you would enjoy the evening sun."

She did.

She leaned back in the chair letting the sun warm her body. It was a beautiful day. She tilted her head back when she heard a soft voice.

"You didn't come back to the chapel."

She opened her eyes to stare into bright blue eyes. For a moment, she thought they belonged to Grissom but instead she was looking into the eyes of Father Joseph.

"I've been sick," she said.

"Pneumonia?" he asked.

"How did you know?" she asked.

"Your symptoms," he said. "Feel like coming tomorrow?"

"Yes," she said.

"Good. I enjoyed our talk about the spiral staircase."

"Me too," she admitted.

"I brought you a book," he said. He placed the book in her hand.

She opened it and smiled.

"It's a history about the Loretto Chapel."

"Thank you," she said.

"I look forward to your visit soon," he said.

She watched as he disappeared around the corner of the villa.

_How did he know I was sitting out here?_

Grissom stepped outside with two glasses. He handed one to Sara.

"Where did you get the book?" he asked.

"Father Joseph brought it to me."

"Father Joseph?"

"Yes…he invited me back to the chapel. The spiral staircase is very interesting. Its structure is nothing short of a …."

"Miracle?" he said with a smile.

"It's unusual. I've never seen anything like it," she said.

"It's good to see you interested in something again," he said as he sat down beside her.

She opened the book and began to read.

He was content to sit next to her.

They returned to the doctor and Grissom was relieved to hear that her pneumonia was improving. She was no longer restricted to bed and they found themselves taking short walks around the villa. She found herself drawn back to the chapel each day and he would watch as she would make the short trek up the hill.

She would stand and marvel at the staircase. It drew her like a magnet. It was also her conversations with Father Joseph that prompted her to come every day.

"Why do you feel compelled to know how it was built?" he asked one day.

"I have a degree in physics," she said. "I can't figure out how he managed to get the wood to bend like this and the 360 degree turns…two of them…It's exquisite."

"It is beautiful," he said.

"There are no nails…only wooden pegs. I can't figure out how he did it without a center post. It's as if there is no support," she said. She ran her fingers along the wood.

"What do you feel?" he asked.

"Perfection," she said.

"God is perfection," he said.

"I'm not really a believer," she said glancing at him.

"Are you trying to convince me or you?" he asked.

"I don't believe," she said matter of fact.

"Yes you do," he said.

She stared at him before tearing her eyes away and back at the staircase.

"I thought I believed," she said softly.

"When was that?"

"A friend of ours had been shot. I found Grissom on his knees one morning with a Bible in his hand. I listened while he prayed. I had never seen him do that."

"He believes," said Father Joseph. "When do you think you stopped believing?"

"If there was a God, he would not let innocent people suffer or die."

"You got angry," he said. "You must have seen a lot of horror in your line of work."

"Yes, I did."

"You're not the first to get angry. You won't be the last. We want things to go the way we want them but sometimes God's plans are different. We can't begin to understand the reason but God doesn't make a mistake."

"He's just not fair," she said.

"Life is not fair. God loves each of us the same. Some of us have harder trials on earth than others. It doesn't mean he loves us any less."

"Well, I for one would like to tell him, I've had enough," she said.

"I take it things have not been easy for you?" he asked.

She wasn't sure why she began to talk with him about her past but once she began she did not stop. She told him about her parents and foster care. She talked about her life as a CSI, her love for Grissom and the difficult years getting him to love her. She spoke about how the cases affected her and how she had almost lost Brass and Nick and Greg. She even spoke about her fear for Warrick and how he seemed to be slipping away. She spoke about Hank and Heather and even Natalie.

He sat there and listened carefully to each and every word.

"Do you blame Grissom for your relationship with Hank?" he asked.

"No. I blame myself."

"Why? If he had listened to his heart then you never would have gotten involved with Hank."

"I slept with him. That was my choice…not Grissom's," she said.

"How did it make you feel?" he asked.

She stood and let her hands glide down the banister of the staircase.

"Like I had let him rape me," she whispered.

"Was it?"

She shook her head.

"Sex without love is sad. I never should have let it happen. I didn't love him. I had no desire to spend the rest of my life with him and yet I gave myself to him."

"Why?"

"Because I felt dead inside. I wanted to feel something. I needed to feel something. I needed to know I could feel something…anything."

"Why did you feel like that?" he asked.

"I'd felt like that for such a long time," she said pressing her cheek against the wood of the staircase. Her fingers caressed the step.

"Why?"

"Why?" she whispered back.

"Sara, it wasn't your fault," he said.

"My fault?" she said softly as she focused on how the wood felt beneath her fingers.

"The rape," he said.

"I never said…"

"Yes, you did," he said. "I'm a good listener. I've learned to hear what others say without words."

She didn't deny it.

If it had been anyone else, she would have but she did not feel the need to hide it from him.

"I trusted people…some would say gullible in ways. I'm not sure why. I should have been more suspicious and less trusting after living with my parents. He…was smart…brilliant actually. It was what caught my attention in college. We had gone to a lecture and had argued theories back and forth. The next thing I know we were meeting for coffee and having lengthy discussions about anything and everything. I enjoyed his company. He wasn't anything like the other guys. They were turned off by any woman with brains. He was different. I should have not been so trusting. It happened one evening before I knew what was happening. He was much stronger than me. There was the matter of catching me with my back turned. He startled me and I found myself resisting at first but then when he pinned me down and I was face to face with him, I stopped struggling. I knew him. I didn't think he would hurt me. I uhm….said stop…he didn't. I struggled until my wrist cracked. I never knew it until several days later when my foster mother was visiting and she noticed the bruises and the slight swelling."

"You never pressed charges."

She shook her head.

"He left campus…his roommate actually came and asked me about him saying his parents were worried. He was found days later... I heard he had killed himself."

"You knew he suffered from depression."

She nodded.

"You felt sorry for him."

"I hated him."

"You felt empathy for him….it was the reason you trusted him."

"It would have been my word against his. I had showered and never told anyone until several days later. There was no evidence…not even the bruises…I bruise easily. I always had bruises on me. The wrist perhaps," she said.

"You didn't want to face another trial…like the one with your mother," he said.

She nodded.

"You've never told anyone about the rape. Have you?" he asked.

"No."

"Why?"

"Because I don't want their pity," she said.

"Do you think Grissom would pity you?"

"No."

"It would help explain things…why you felt the way you did after you slept with Hank. He feels guilty."

"I can't."

"Why?"

"Because I…he would look at me differently."

"How would he look at you?"

"Like a victim."

"You are."

"I'm sick of being a victim. I could be the poster child for child abuse, rape, kidnapping and attempted murder."

"You're very strong."

"I'm not strong," she said.

"Why would you say that?"

"I left him…just after he proposed…I had to get away before I self-destructed and he saw it."

"Do you still feel like you're going to self-destruct?"

She shook her head.

"What changed?"

"I don't know," she said sitting down on the staircase.

"You know," he said.

"He came…for me."

"You didn't think he would?"

She shook her head.

"I didn't think I was important enough."

"You're the only person he's ever loved."

She stared at him.

"How did you know that?"

"He talks about you often."

"I didn't know you had spoken with him."

"Sara, you're the most important thing in his life. Trust him. Tell him. You shouldn't keep things from him."

She swiped at her eyes and he smiled.

"Tears are good for the soul," he said. "You shouldn't be ashamed to let them fall."

"Why did you become a priest?" she asked.

"I was meant to become one," he said. "I love God. He's never failed me. He is the one person I can trust and know that he will never forsake me."

"Never?"

"Never."

She continued to sit there on the steps of the staircase.

"Have you walked up the stairs?" he asked.

"No…congestion in my lungs…Grissom lets me walk here and then back. I'm not supposed to…"

"Go," he said.

She stood and began to climb the stairs. With each step, she felt the heaviness in her chest lift. When she reached the top, she noticed he was there beside her.

"Feel better?" he asked.

"Yes…yes I do," she said.

"Confession is good for the soul," he said.

"I never confessed…"

"I'm a priest…you're in a chapel…we've been talking for hours," he said with a grin. She glanced at her watch and frowned.

"He'll be worried," she said.

"Just one more thing before you go," he said. He brought her over to the edge of the landing so that they looked below.

"What do you see?" he asked.

"The pews…the staircase….everything below."

"Remember that."

"Remember what?" she asked.

"Remember that when you look up, someone may be looking down at you."

"You're saying that God is watching."

"Always."

"I'm not sure about that," she said.

"You didn't think you were going to make it under that car. The water was already up to your chin."

"I swallowed a lot of the water and sand. I thought I was going to drown."

"Why? You were in a desert."

"I was trapped under a car in the middle of a desert flood."

"How did you get out?"

"The car shifted."

"Did it?"

"Yes."

"Are you sure?"

She closed her eyes and found herself trapped once more. She felt herself pulling and then the release of her arm.

"I pulled my arm free."

"You managed to pull your arm out from under a car? That must have taken some strength."

"Then it must have shifted just as I pulled."

"Perhaps it was not your time to die."

"A friend of mine, Nick, said that."

"He was right. Sara, did you ever think about the series of events leading up to your rescue? You managed to get out from under a car, avoiding near drowning despite the fact that your lungs were full of water and sand. You were not treated for it until days later…part of the reason for the scarring in your lungs. You walked for miles in the hot desert disoriented and yet you left markers. You carried a mirror that would send a light signal that would lead Nick to you. You're evacuated to the hospital with Grissom by your side and despite the lack of water in 108 degree heat, you recover ."

He took her hand and rolled it over to stare at the scar.

"You were standing outside a glass partition when the explosion occurred. Your friend barely made it out alive. You only received this scar."

He smiled at her.

"Your mother brutally killed your father. There were blood castings off the walls sending some seasoned officers to lose the contents of their stomachs. She had meant to kill you that day…including herself. You were unharmed."

"How did you…"

"Sara, you look at this spiral staircase in awe because it defies physics. You trust science but your life is a testament that there is more than science at work."

She stared at the scar on her palm.

"Jesus carries the scars on his hands and feet for our sins. They're his now…not yours. He accepted that in order that we may someday join him in heaven. Belief is the acceptance of his gift. Grissom believes. He's always believed even though he follows science in his work. He trusts the evidence rather than man but he trusts God when it's out of his hands."

"Brass had given him power of attorney when he was shot. He had to decide what to do," she said.

"He didn't make the decision alone. He prayed. He was given the answer."

"You make it sound so simple," she said.

"It is."

She descended the staircase and turned to find him standing above.

She smiled. "I'll see you tomorrow."

He smiled at her. "Sara?"

She turned and looked up.

"Good girl."

"What?"

"Keep your eyes toward heaven."

"Tomorrow," she said.

"Sara?"

"Yes?"

"Talk with him."

She stepped out of the chapel and saw him approaching.

"I got worried," he said.

"I'm sorry. We've been talking," she said.

"You okay?" he asked.

"Yeah….I am," she said with a smile.

She came to him then and kissed him lightly. He pulled her into his arms and held her.

"Didn't mean to make you worry," she whispered in his ear.

"I missed you."

"I'm hungry," she announced.

It made him stare.

"I think that's a first," he said.

She grinned as she felt him take her hand and lead her back to the villa. They had a quiet dinner at home and spent the rest of the evening together. She told him. It practically came out of nowhere. He felt as though he had been waiting for years for her to tell him. He sat there and listened and then he held her as she broke down letting the tears fall. She no longer bothered to swipe them away.

_Tears are good for the soul._

She talked about her conversation with Father Joseph and she watched for his reaction.

"I'm glad you can talk with him," he said.

"I'm glad I have you," she said.

Note from Author:

I expect everyone to buy and watch William Petersen's movie, "The Staircase." Thanks to Peggy47 for telling me about it and then giving me the idea to incorporate into a story. Please continue to read and leave a review. The faster you leave a review, the quicker I can post. I think there are only twenty four chapters...

Take care,

Penny


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter Sixteen:**

Her visits continued. She would often return with hours of conversation about the construction of the chapel. He would sit with a grin on his face as he listened to her. Her weight improved and slowly he was beginning to see the Sara he had missed. There was a bounce again in her step and the brightness in her eyes returned. No longer were there dark circles and she seemed to sleep for longer periods which seemed more restful. The most important change he saw was she no longer seemed depressed. Her smile spread across her face and the twinkle in her eye caught his breath each time she tilted her head and pursed her lips at him.

He had missed this Sara.

He purposely took her hand and kissed the palm as they sat one evening in a small restaurant.

"I've missed your smile," he said.

It made her smile widen until it spread across her face causing it to lead to a blush.

His breath caught in his throat when she leaned forward and brushed her lips against his.

"Do I make you happy?" he asked.

"Yes…you do," she said. "I'm glad you found me."

"You were never lost," he said.

"Yes…I was. I was very lost," she said.

"I love you," he said.

"I love you too," she said with a smile.

They took a leisure walk around town before heading home. As they approached the chapel, she stopped and stared at it.

"It's beautiful. Isn't it?" she asked staring up at the chapel.

"You're beautiful," he said taking her into his arms.

"You didn't look," she said.

"Yes, I did. You're beautiful. You know you left before I had a chance to give you an engagement ring," he said. "It sort of interrupted my marriage proposal."

"I'm sorry I hurt you when I left," she said.

He kissed her fully on the lips.

"Marry me," he whispered.

She stared at him in disbelief.

"Marry me, please," he said once more letting his lips linger this time on hers.

"Yes," she said.

He smiled pulling out the small black box he'd kept for months. He placed it in her hand.

She carefully opened it and gasped.

"It's beautiful," she said.

"Not as beautiful as you," he said.

He took the ring and placed it on her finger.

He was kissing her this time more urgently and she returned the kiss with the same passion.

They stood there breathless.

"We could marry in the chapel," he said.

She quickly glanced at the chapel.

"We could?"

"Yes…I've checked."

It made her smile.

"I would like that," she said.

"Would you like to invite anyone?" he asked.

"Just the unit," she said. "I'm not sure they could come this far….I mean it would be the whole unit and there wouldn't be any coverage."

"We could try," he said.

She smiled. "Yes, we could."

"We could ask Father Joseph to marry us," she said.

"I'll leave that small detail up to you," he said.

They called the others.

Brass was first.

He promised to be there.

The others left it up to Catherine to figure out a way to get them there.

She promised she would even if she had to lie a little.

The remainder of the evening was spent at home. They spoke about the past year and how they had let so many things get between them. They promised it would not happen again. As the hours passed, she yawned and he insisted they turn in. She was the first to fall asleep as he kissed her gently on the cheek.

She woke later to the sound of his breathing beside her. She glanced at the clock and knew that it was late but something had caused her to wake. She lay there now and listened.

It was the rain.

It poured and the lightning lit up the sky followed by the thunder.

She shivered.

She sat up in the bed and listened while he slept.

She closed her eyes to the flashes of lightning but when it continued, she bolted out of the bed. She paced the living room as the storm continued. She sunk down into a chair grabbing a blanket and buried herself in it.

_The rain…._

_The rain pouring under the car…._

_Trapped…_

She held her arm as she remembered that night. When she watched Natalie drive away, she told herself she would be found. Her arm had been injured but she was alive. She had not been murdered like the others. While she lay under that fire engine red Mustang, she had time to think about why Natalie had chosen not to kill her. It was not like the other miniature killings. She had broken her modus operandi but then Sara realized she had wanted her death to mean more. By allowing her to slowly succumb to the elements it would make her death much harder for Grissom.

He would blame himself. She knew it. He already blamed himself for his inability to solve the cases. It was what he did. He had studied serial killers and yet he could not locate this person. He did not believe Ernie Dell had committed the murders. He was right.

Sara kept her eyes shut tight as the storm continued.

She could hear the rain outside and she gulped as if feeling herself under the water again. She remembered the pain and the fear and the need to be found. She closed her eyes and forced herself to remember that night. It was something she had wanted to block out. She had faced death before. It was nothing new and yet there was something different. There was a sense of urgency and need to protect.

_Grissom…_

_I needed to protect Grissom…_

_If I died, he would find me…._

_It would hurt him…._

_He would blame himself…_

_Yes….that's it…_

She remembered being found and the ride in the helicopter and feeling his hand holding hers. She remembered being rushed into the ER and seeing a barrage of different faces as she was poked and prodded and once or twice she cried out from the pain. It was just her arm. There was the matter of her lungs. They burned and she struggled to breathe for several days. She had cuts and bruises and scratches to show her embattlement but she was alive.

She remembered listening to the discussions about surgery and being prepped but then she remembered a nurse yelling and then a flurry of activity as she cried out from the pain and then there were new faces and even Grissom for a moment as he held her hand as the pain intensified and then she felt herself floating from the medicine in the needle that had been inserted into the IV.

"Sara?"

His voice was a whisper as he knelt there in front of her.

She kept the blanket firmly against her.

"It's just a thunder storm," he said softly.

She stared at him as she struggled with the memory.

"That day in the ER, I remember the pain," she said.

"You're wrist was broken in two places," he said. "They were prepping you for surgery. They wanted to give you something for the pain but…you refused."

"I did?"

"Yes."

"I had been there for a while….the pain was getting worse…"

"Sara…"

"I refused to let them give me anything for the pain…why?" she asked staring into his eyes.

"You…never liked taking medicine….you wanted to stay awake," he said.

She shook her head.

"I remember they waited to do the surgery….they were waiting…why were they waiting?" she asked.

He pulled her body tightly against his.

"You were not hydrated. They wanted to give you time," he managed to get out.

"After the surgery, I felt different….empty…like they took something out of me…I remember the drugs and the nothingness of it," she said.

She stared at him. "I felt broken….like they hadn't fixed me at all." She stared at her arm.

"They did. The cast was there but I felt….why so much drugs?" she asked.

"You were in a lot of pain," he said. "I told them to give you enough to make you sleep for several days. I felt it was best so your body could heal. Sara, you had not slept in days. You were dehydrated; your arm in a cast, there wasn't a place on your body where there wasn't a bruise. Your lungs were filled with sand…your right lung collapsed."

He watched as her mind seemed to be processing the information. It did not make sense and yet it made sense.

Her hand shot up to cover her mouth and he knew that she had remembered the detail he fought to keep hidden. Her eyes met his and then he was reaching for her but she pulled away.

"Sara…"

"The baby," she choked out as she hugged herself. "Oh God Grissom, the baby. I….didn't want to take any drugs because of the baby."

"I'm sorry Sara. I wanted to spare you," he said quietly.

"You've known all this time! You….we never said anything about it. We just pretended that it never happened! I was almost four months pregnant when….I kept telling myself that I needed to get out from under the car….I needed to make it out…my baby was depending on me and I did. I made it out...I walked that damn desert until I couldn't walk anymore but then I was found and I told myself, I had done it. I had protected it and then the cramps began and the blood…"

She stopped as her tears turned to sobs and he tried once more to comfort her.

"Don't! Don't touch me! All these months I felt the loss and you never said anything."

"Sara, you didn't remember. We weren't even sure you knew you were pregnant. I was trying to protect you," he said. "I just wanted to protect you."

"I knew! I knew the first month…I kept trying to find a way to tell you but things kept getting in the way. There was Heather and those damn miniatures. The next thing I knew I had the ultrasound scheduled on our day off and I was going to have you come with me….we would find out if it was a boy or a girl," she said as she let the tears flow freely down her face.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

"I'll never know," she said.

He breathed in deeply. "It was a boy."

She gulped in air as she thought that she would surely die at that moment.

"Sara?"

She shook her head as she began to rock back and forth.

"Sara, let me help you," he said.

"Oh, sad was the day for the little bisque doll,

for they cut all her stitches away,

and found the seat of the terrible ache;

T'was a delicate task..."

Grissom felt his own blood turn to ice. He hated that damn rhyme and now Sara sat there letting it flow from her lips.

"For none of the doctors had ever before

performed on a dolly's inside."

"They tried to re-stuff her but didn't know how,

and this was her wail as she died..."

"I've got a pain in my sawdust."

"Sara, don't do this. Don't let Natalie rob us of anything else," he said brokenly.

"I'm broken, Grissom. I can't be fixed. This is too much. This hurts too much," she sobbed.

He grabbed her now and held her tight.

"You're not broken. You're strong…like the wood on the staircase….it bent…it gave…it didn't break….like you," he said.

"All these months…my body healed…but my heart knew what I'd lost. I lost a part of us…I've tried for months to get the pain to go away but it won't. It was the reason for the antidepressant," she said.

"You didn't take them," he said. "You were stronger…"

"I left…I planned to visit my mother and then…"

"Then what?"

"I wanted the pain to go away. I was going to make the pain go away," she said.

"How….how were you going to do that?"

She said nothing more.

He knew what she meant.

There was no confusion in the cryptic message. She had meant to kill herself. It would end the pain. She left so he did not have to see it happen. He did not have to process the body. He did not have to see her in the morgue. She would just disappear. It was the reason she got into the car with a stranger. She did not care what happened to her.

"I'll get the prescription refilled tomorrow," he said quickly.

"It won't help," she said.

"You don't know that," he said feeling his blood pressure soar.

"I don't want it."

He looked at her. "You're strong…so much stronger than me."

"I want to know what happened," she said.

"I'll tell you everything," he said. "I'll tell you what happened in the hospital."

Note from author:

I think I forgot to tell you the angst has returned…a lot of it…so hang in there. Leave the reviews quickly so we can move on…

Take care,

Penny


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter Seventeen:**

_He held his breath when he jumped out of the vehicle and saw Nick and Sofia trying to revive Sara. He had been told little other than she was found unconscious. He watched helplessly as the medics worked with her and then she was being lifted inside the copter. He wasn't about to be left behind. His hand took hers and he did nothing else but prayed she would breathe. He stared at her intently as he watched the fluids slowly seep into her body. Her eyes fluttered open and he smiled._

_She stared at him as if trying to focus. He squeezed her hand and then brought it up to his lips as they neared the hospital roof. She lay there perfectly still but her eyes were locked on his. He glanced over at the medic who was preparing to move her when her expression changed. _

"_Something's wrong," he said as he felt her hand tighten._

"_We've got to get her inside," the medic yelled. _

_They were inside and Grissom tried to keep his hand locked with hers. He made it to the examining room before he was forced to let go. It was at that moment that she moved. Her knees jerked up and she rolled to her side sending the machines into a tizzy of sounds and alarms. He felt his heart thumping in his chest as he watched the flurry of white coats surround her blocking his view._

_A nurse rushed out and quickly grabbed his arm. He found himself back in the room._

"_Do you know if she's pregnant?" asked one of the physicians._

"_No…I'm not sure," he said. The realization hit him like a ton of bricks. She had seemed distant. There was the sabbatical and the miniatures and then Heather. He knew that the incident with Heather had caused the insecurities to return. He had not handled the situation very well and he had been trying to find a way to make it up to her when Natalie took his chance away. _

_A nurse came rushing back in._

"_Blood work says she's pregnant," yelled the nurse._

_Grissom stared at Sara's unconscious body. Visions of her holding a baby and smiling drifted through his brain, but were gone as soon as he saw how much pain she was in. She clutched at the sheets as if searching for his hand and he wanted to go to her but the nurse blocked him._

"_Get a portable ultrasound in here so we can see what we're dealing with," said the other physician. _

"_Who has power to make decisions?" yelled Doctor Williams._

"_I do," said Grissom. "I have medical power of attorney."_

"_Do you know how long she was under the water?" asked the physician._

"_Water?"_

"_Her lungs are filled with debris."_

_The physician stared at him._

"_No…I don't know."_

"_Her right lung is collapsing," he said. "She's having trouble breathing. We need an x ray but the situation is complicated with the pregnancy."_

"_Is this life threatening?" he heard himself ask._

"_She's bleeding extensively…most likely from a miscarriage, her lung is full of some substance…did you say she was found in the desert?"_

"_Yes."_

"_It's probably sand…Mr. uhm…"_

"_Grissom"_

"_Mr. Grissom, she's going into shock, with the dehydration…she's critical."_

_It didn't make any sense to him. She had seemed fine in the copter. She had held his hand and was conscious. Now, he saw her fighting for her life._

_He felt himself being pushed back out again. The door shut but his eyes remained fixed on the entry. He felt a hand on his shoulder and he turned to find Brass standing there._

"_There's complications…she's pregnant," he said softly._

"_Did you know?"_

_Grissom shook his head._

"_Did you?" Grissom suddenly asked._

"_She's been keeping to herself these days," said Brass._

_He watched as the portable ultrasound machine flew into the room. The door shut and he stood there in the middle of the floor hoping someone would give him some news. Brass pulled him over to a chair._

"_You should sit down," he said._

_Minutes passed as he watched the clock's hands slowly move._

"_Ever notice how slow the hands on a clock are in a hospital when you're waiting for news," said Brass._

"_I thought she was fine," he said. "She was breathing and…she was breathing," he repeated._

_Brass understood._

_With each passing hour, hope diminished that she would be found alive especially with the amount of rain fall that night in the desert. Grissom stood quickly when a doctor came out. _

"_She was conscious for a few minutes. She's refusing any pain medication. We did an ultrasound…there's a fetal heartbeat…there's also some extensive bleeding. It's a sit and wait game at this point."_

"_Can you wait…her lungs…the bleeding…"_

"_Mr. Grissom, I don't think the baby is going to make it. I'm surprised there's still a fetal heartbeat. We can have her remain still and see if her body can stabilize itself and then as soon as the baby is aborted, we can rush her into surgery."_

"_What if we wait? What if we wait to see if the baby can survive?"_

"_It's still possible her body can go into shock and if her pressure drops…cardiac arrest."_

"_You said she was conscious. Does she know about the baby?"_

"_She was conscious long enough for us to tell her…she told us the baby comes first…she said she didn't want any medical care before the baby."_

_He swallowed hard._

"_Mr. Grissom she's in a great deal of pain. She's in and out of consciousness. We'll follow your decision."_

"_I uhm I have to follow her wishes," he said._

_He knew it was not what the physician wanted to hear._

"_Could I see her?" he asked._

"_Just for a moment," he said._

_He stepped in and once again took her hand. She now lay on her side and the injured arm lay wrapped. He was able to visibly see the bruises on her cheek and arms and hands and…he decided there would be another time to observe the bruises. He kissed the palm of her hand lightly. She moaned softly and he brushed the hair from her face. Her eyes opened and she stared at him._

"_Griss?"_

"_I'm here," he said._

"_It hurts," she said._

"_They can give you something for the pain. Do you want something?" he asked._

_She did not have time to respond when she doubled over and she gasped from the cramp in her abdomen._

"_Nurse!" he yelled._

_He gasped when he saw the white linen sheets turn a bright crimson color._

"_You'll have to leave now," she said._

_He was back with Brass now and the physicians returned to the examining room. The doors flew open and they were rushing her to the O.R. He knew she had lost the baby and now the surgeries would begin. He sat down hard into the seat._

"_I'm sorry," said Brass as he patted his knee._

"_I'm not sure she knew," he said. "I mean I don't know why she wouldn't tell me if she did."_

_Hours passed and then she was in recovery and then he was sitting in her room with his hand in hers. The bleeding had been stopped. The uterus was now clear of the miscarriage and he was told there would be some cramping. The arm was now in a cast and an oxygen mask covered her face since her right lung had collapsed but they were able to remove most of the sand. They were consulting a lung specialist. They feared pneumonia. _

_He sat there with her now and told himself she was in stable condition and she was going to be fine._

_He watched as the white linen sheets darkened with each tear drop. He wasn't sure why he chose now to fall apart but he did. He grieved for the pain she endured, the loss of their child and his inability to keep any of it from happening. His head rested on the bed beside her and he remained throughout the night. The nurses said nothing but walked around him. His hand remained in hers and when he woke the next morning, his remained locked with hers._

_She had floated into consciousness during some part of the night and her distress caused him to insist on increasing the pain medication. He forced them to wake up the on call physician and he made it clear he wanted her to be given enough medication to cause her to sleep. She remained that way for several days until the physician recommended that the pain medication should be tapered off so she would wake gradually. _

_She did several days later when she opened her eyes and saw him lying there next to her. She tried to reach up and touch him but she felt her hand locked in his. He was sleeping. He seemed different. She stared at his face while he slept. She used to wake up before him and watch him sleep. It was one of her favorite times. She knew from experience that he slept deeply and little woke him once he was asleep. His facial features were always more relaxed and he seemed much younger no longer wearing the stress of the day on his face. _

_She noticed immediately. It was not a restful sleep and he seemed troubled. She knew that being hunched over like that was not going to help his back and she was convinced he would have a creak in his neck._

_She could not bring herself to wake him even though she wanted nothing more than for someone to reach up her cast and scratch her arm. She tried to move the arm but a pain shot up through her shoulder and she decided it was best to remain still._

_She closed her eyes intending just to rest some more when she woke several hours later and he was still there by her side but was sitting up. She smiled slightly at him and he returned the smile. She tried to sit up but decided she would remain still. It hurt less to remain still._

_Her eyes remained fixed on his and it was a look he gave her that she could not understand. She felt his hand let go of hers and suddenly she felt vulnerable. It was an odd sensation. He was merely holding her hand but as soon as he let go, she felt suddenly alone and afraid and something terrible had happened._

_The confusion and the pain and the hurt flooded her face and his hand was right back in hers. She stared down at their hands. She pondered how a simple gesture made her feel safe but then there were years where the only contact she had with Grissom was in the form of holding hands._

_It had been her security in times when she was insecure. He kissed the palm of her hand as she felt herself drifting back to sleep. She didn't want to sleep. She wanted to remain awake but she was convinced the new IV bottle was not just fluids. She pulled on her hand bringing him forward._

"_Love you," she whispered._

_She thought she heard him cry. She wasn't convinced. She had never heard him cry before but she felt something wet on her cheek as his cheek lay next to hers and she heard him whisper softly._

"_I love you…love you so much."_

_She woke again several hours later. She knew he had not moved since his clothes were the same and he looked tired and upset and sad. She wanted to caress his cheek but her good hand was still locked in his and the other hand remained immobile._

"_Gil?"_

"_Hey," he said._

"_I see I finally got my cast," she said._

"_Yes…you did. Greg has been after me to let him sign it," he said with a slight smile._

_She winced._

"_Are you in pain?" he asked._

"_Not much…just sore," she said. "I hurt all over."_

"_You had a fire engine red Mustang on top of you for awhile," he said._

"_I hate red," she said._

"_Me too," he said._

"_Have you been here the whole time?" she asked._

"_Yes."_

"_You think that's wise?" she asked._

"_I kind of told everyone," he said._

"_What did you tell them?" she asked._

"_I told them you were the only person I've ever loved."_

"You remember the rest," he said.

Note from author:

Thanks for the reviews. Yes, there is more angst...but with angst comes fluff...drowning in fluff...Let's continue soon. Leave a review!

Take care,

Penny


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter Eighteen:**

She felt herself being lifted and soon she was back in the bed with him. He held her tight afraid to release her. Her body screamed for sleep but she denied herself letting her mind remember that night under the car as well as her time in the hospital. She remembered the muffled voices around her bed and once or twice she thought she heard the sound of someone crying. It had been unsettling and yet she could not bring herself out of the throes of the medication. It kept her weighted down for several days until it was tapered off and she began to wake.

It was strange why she did not question having her period at that time. She didn't even question the severity of it telling herself it was because of the stress from everything she endured. Her lungs burned. There were breathing treatments several times a day and she sought out his face each time she took a breath. He had grounded her. Of course she knew they would each face disciplinary action for their relationship but they no longer cared. They had faced much worse. They had faced the possibility of being separated permanently. With each twinge of pain his hand was there in hers soothing her and telling her she would never be alone again. He was there. He wasn't going anywhere but he did finally.

The switch to swing had virtually made them strangers in bed. She went to bed alone and woke alone and suffered through the nightmares alone. She didn't even question him when he threw himself into his work. It was as if he was fighting his own demons and she was not sure how to help him. She was barely helping herself. When sleep continued to elude her, she resorted to sleeping pills once again and then when the emptiness and broken feeling refused to go away, she did the impossible and sought out counseling.

It didn't work. She was trying to put pieces together that did not fit. Her past was a problem. She knew that. There was the matter of the hurt and betrayal she felt by Grissom as well as her own stupidity for giving herself to another man but none of it compared to the enormity of the loss of her child. It was the breaking point. It had driven her to her knees and she had not even remembered it.

She rolled and felt him roll with her. When her mind refused to shut down, she tossed again only to find him there as well. His hand was firmly locked around her body. She felt his breath mere inches from her lips. She drew in a ragged breath and found her hands now spread across her abdomen. The emptiness was there. She wanted it to go away. She wanted what had been taken from her and knew that it could not be replaced. It hurt. The tears flowed once more and she swallowed hard trying to breathe.

She felt his lips on hers and then there was the gentle voice she remembered through the drug induced sleep. It contained its own pain and sorrow and yet he spoke softly in her ear.

"Doubt thou the stars are fire;

Doubt that the sun doth move;

Doubt truth to be a liar'

But never doubt I love."

(Hamlet 2.2 123-6)

"I love you Sara…always will," he managed to get out.

She turned her body toward him and took in his warmth. Both of his arms enveloped her. The rain continued outside as the tears continued to fall inside. He held her like that whispering soft endearments from time to time as he kissed her gently. She said nothing but mourned for the loss of their child. The mourning was overdue. She let the tears cleanse her as she gave in to the depression letting it take her deeper and deeper.

She stayed in bed for days. He urged her to take the medication for the pneumonia. He worried about her lungs as she seemed more congested. He knew that if she was not better in another day, he would need to seek medical attention. He had not wanted to do that. He had told himself she just needed rest but as the depression grew worse, he found himself checking for clinics in the area and told himself he would have to be strong enough to give her the help she needed even if she hated him for it. She was not sleeping and he worried how much more she could endure.

On the fourth day, she got out of bed and showered.

He was not sure how to react to the sudden change.

He knew there were high and low points in depression.

It was good or it was bad.

She even attempted to eat something.

He took it as a good sign.

She smiled slightly as she told him she was going to go for a walk.

He was immediately at the door by her side.

She said nothing but stepped out and let him follow.

She went straight to the chapel and opened the door but stopped when he attempted to go inside with her.

She shook her head and he shuffled his feet clearly uneasy about letting her go alone but he quietly stepped to the side.

She had no sooner stepped inside when Father Joseph was there.

"I've been worried about you," he said.

She said nothing but walked to the front pew and sat down. She felt him sit down beside her.

"Sara?"

"You were right," she said. "I told him. He accepted it. I don't know why I didn't tell him before."

"You seem…distant. What's wrong?" he asked taking her hand into his. She stared at the gesture and smiled.

"Gil does that. He held my hand for years before doing anything else. His hands are so strong but soft and warm and gentle."

"You're sad. I feel it," he said.

"I'm…drowning," she gulped out. "I'm so…" she stopped as she swallowed tears and air and quickly got up finding herself climbing the stairs. With each step, he was there behind her. When she tripped from sheer exhaustion, she felt his hands helping her to her feet. They firmly held her as she continued her way to the top. She stood there now staring out across the chapel and then turned to stare at the stain glass windows.

"I lost him…my son," she said between sobs.

"It's the hardest pain to endure… the loss of a child," he said.

"It won't go away," she said falling to her knees. "I don't know what else to do. I had a plan. It was simple. It would end the pain but…then he came. He loves me….all I ever wanted was to be loved by him."

"He does."

"Make the pain go away," she begged. "I don't want to leave him but I can't…I don't want to feel like this anymore."

He was there now kneeling with her as he placed his rosary beads into her hands and then she listened as he prayed and then she was doing the same urgently. She continued even though his voice was now gone. She spoke of not fearing death but welcomed it but then she spoke of her love and her fear for Grissom.

He needed her. She needed to be strong for him. She needed to ease his pain but did not have the strength any more. She continued until she coughed and then struggled to breathe. She reached into her pocket but did not find the inhaler.

It was gone. She told herself to relax as she slumped to the floor.

His hands were soon there and then the thrust of the inhaler brought sweet air. She stared into blue eyes and gripped his hand tightly as another thrust of air came from the inhaler.

"Better?" he asked.

"Better," she said.

Father Joseph sat with her for a moment.

"How do you feel?" he asked.

_How do I feel…._

A sense of calm spread over her body and she struggled to her feet. She still held his hand and for a moment she had mistaken it for Grissom.

"Your hands are like his," she whispered.

"He's a good man," said Father Joseph.

She glanced down and saw him now sitting in the front pew. She glanced at Father Joseph.

"He needs me," she said.

"Sara?"

She turned and looked at him.

He placed the inhaler in her pocket. "Never forget to breathe. The pain isn't gone…it'll become a dull ache and then gradually it won't hurt as much. Embrace the pain…on your knees. He'll listen….he'll help…when nothing else can."

She walked gingerly down the steps and came to stand in front of him. She fell to her knees placing her head in his lap and they sat there together in silence as they mourned the loss of their child. His hand soothingly stroked her hair as he softly prayed out loud. She listened to every word, every inflection and knew that they were going to survive this.

It was going to be painful.

It was going to hurt like hell.

She refused to break.

She chose to bend with the pain.

They walked out hand in hand. As they began the walk back to the villa, his hand supported her weight as he felt her strength fading. They kept within arm's reach of one another for the remainder of the day. As they lay there in bed, she felt his tears on her cheek and she started to wipe them away but stopped.

"Tears cleanse the soul," she whispered.

"I love you Sara," he said quietly.

"I love you," she whispered, wanting to crawl inside him.

"Gil?"

"Yeah?"

"I promise….I'm not going to break…I'll bend," she choked out.

She felt him swallow hard.

"I never thought about you…how it must have hurt...making the decisions with the doctors and then trying to conceal it from me…keeping the pain to yourself. I'm sorry…so sorry," she said.

"You have nothing to be sorry for," he said softly. "I didn't know how to comfort you. I could tell something was bothering you and I prayed it would go away but it wouldn't. I thought about telling you but then I was afraid it would only make matters worse so I said nothing."

"That's the reason you kept an eye on my cases….afraid something would spark my memory and then…." She took a shallow breath. "I kept pushing you away. I wouldn't let you help. I'm sorry," she said.

It made him hold her tighter. His lips brushed hers slightly and when she forced his head down so she could deepen the kiss, he gave in needing to feel her love.

"We could try again," he whispered.

"I'm not ready," she said.

He nodded. "Just want you to be happy," he said.

"I will be," she said.

For once in several long months, she felt she would.

Note from author:

Just a reminder I am at the airport at 4:00 am tomorrow to go to New York. I plan to post a chapter reallly late late or early tomorrow morning to hold you until I get settled. Please be kind and a leave a review. It is the reason I write...thanks and take care, Penny


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter Nineteen:**

The weather seemed to match her sadness. It rained for several days. It was not normal for the area. She grew accustomed to the stormy weather. Before it would send her into hiding but with each clap of thunder or flash of lightning Grissom distracted her. At first it was just a kiss and an embrace but then it was followed by much more.

"Rain is good," he said. "Without it there would be no flowers or plant life or…"

"I was able to pull my arm free," she said.

"Then you began to walk," he said.

"The storm lasted all night," she said. "The water was everywhere. Once or twice I slipped and fell into another pool of water…I just wanted the rain to stop but then it did and the sun came out. The water disappeared and then I was wishing I had water again."

"You left markers," he said.

"I wanted someone to find me even if I died but then I couldn't die. I had to make it out. I had to protect our child."

"You did," he said.

"I lost him anyway," she said sadly.

"I need to tell you something," he said.

She turned to face him.

"It's about Zachary Anderson," he said. He took a deep breath and then looked at her. "I didn't tell you the truth when you asked me why that case bothered me so much. I thought the mother had killed him because she didn't want him…that she was trying to punish her husband for the affair. "

She looked confused.

"I had just finished college and started working with the coroner's office when I met this girl. She was a few years younger than me. It was the first time I even considered a relationship. I had been so focused on my studies and my own research. It was hard at first working at the morgue…seeing so many bodies pass through. I uhm enjoyed her company. She seemed interested in my work and was finishing up her own degree that summer. I didn't love her Sara but being young and…it became a routine to stop off at her place. I think we both were just seeking release from the stress of our studies and our jobs but then I realized she wanted something more. I didn't but I also didn't want to be alone so I agreed to meet her parents. We quarreled. It was rather embarrassing since we were having dinner with her parents. Her father was a surgeon…there were two generations of surgeons. Melissa was destined to follow in her father's footsteps since there was no son. I think she would have done anything to please her father. The argument began innocent enough. It was over professions. She did not see being a crime investigator as a lucrative profession. She wanted me to join the medical field like herself. I refused. I told her a person should do what made them happy…I did not see myself with a good bedside manner. I could see the disapproval in her father's eyes. I didn't care. I didn't think it mattered. Our relationship virtually stopped. She wouldn't return my phone calls or see me. I thought that it was probably for the best. I didn't love her and she obviously didn't love me. I didn't think I would ever see her again until one day she phoned the morgue and said she needed to talk with me. When I arrived she was holding a pregnancy test in her hand. It was positive," he said.

Sara's body stiffened but she remained still.

"I was stunned but then I told her we could work it out. I was prepared to do the right thing."

"Did you?"

He swallowed hard. "She didn't give me the chance. She got an abortion telling me she did not want a child or a future with me. I would have done what she wanted…I would have done anything to protect that child but she wanted to punish me…for embarrassing her in front of her father."

A strong sense of pure hatred rose over Sara. She wanted to track the woman down and commit murder. She could imagine the guilt Grissom had suffered at the hands of the hussy. She swallowed trying to force back the tears.

It made sense.

It was as if a final piece of the puzzle had slipped into place. All those years of pulling away, not able to trust, unsure of being intimate or sharing his life with anyone. She thought that perhaps he had been hurt in the past but she did not imagine this.

"I'm sorry Gil…so sorry," she said kissing his cheeks over and over and tasting the saltiness of his tears.

"You uhm…you wouldn't give up. You did everything you could to protect our child. You even told the physicians you did not want any pain medication for fear it would harm the baby … you placed his life above your own."

He gulped back tears.

"All I could think about is being given a second chance and then losing it and then praying to God I wouldn't lose you."

"You didn't," she whispered as she gulped back her own tears.

"I remembered how scared I still felt even when you came home from the hospital," he said.

_She sat there with arm in sling with her feet dangling off the hospital bed as he glanced at his watch for the third time._

"_You think they'll notice if I just left?" she teased._

"_I think you should stay for a few more days. Your lungs are still congested and you seemed to be in a lot of pain," he said worriedly._

"_I'm sore. I think my muscles are finally feeling the effects of the marathon I took on. I just want to go home and see Hank. You've been walking him right?" she asked._

"_Greg and the neighbor has been helping," he said. "He uhm chased the neighbor's cat up a tree the other day. The neighbor is still mad," he said._

_Sara grinned. "It was that black and white cat named Gizmo, wasn't it? He's been teasing Hank for months."_

_She stood and he forced her to sit back down._

"_I'm tired of waiting. I'm leaving," she said._

"_You can't! We don't have the aftercare instructions," he said quickly._

"_I'm leaving," she said standing up again._

_A nurse stepped into the room and smiled, "Going somewhere without these?" The nurse handed her the prescriptions along with a set of instructions. "I have to go over these with you before you can leave."_

"_Start reading," said Sara._

_Grissom began to panic._

"_Let me see those," he said quickly._

_The nurse handed them to him. He scanned through the instructions. You can go over these with me. She's not going to follow them so I'll have to sit on her," he said. He glanced at Sara._

"_Nick was supposed to come and drive us home. You want to go and meet him?" he asked._

_Sara headed toward the door but then stopped._

"_You know I can follow those….I'll stay," she said coming back over to the bed._

"_Go…you've been trapped like an animal for days…go out into the hall and meet him," he said._

_She hesitated for a moment but then left grateful to be free of the room._

"_She doesn't know about the miscarriage," he said quickly. "I'll make sure she follows these instructions…we live together."_

_He stepped out to find Sara joking with Nick._

"_Griss, she's saving her cast for Greg," said Nick._

"_He asked first," said Sara._

"_You're looking better," smiled Nick._

"_I'll feel even better when we're out of here," said Sara. She turned and saw he had the forms in his hand._

"_Are those my walking papers?" she asked._

"_Yes, but you have to be wheeled out," said the nurse._

"_That's not necessary," said Sara._

"_Want to leave?" asked Grissom._

_She sat in the chair and did as she was told. She felt the warmth of his hand as it slid into hers._

_Nick was chased out of the house as soon as they got home. She sat there on the couch and patted Hank while Grissom went about fixing a light lunch._

_She strolled around the house and glanced at him every now and then. He seemed quiet and distant._

"_How's everything at the lab?" she asked._

"_Good," he said._

"_You haven't said anything about Ecklie…he's not going to let this go…"_

"_He's asked for a conference with each of us," he said._

"_What's going to happen?" she asked._

"_Not sure," he said setting the food down on the table._

"_I'm sorry. This is my fault," she said._

_His head jerked up. "Why is it your fault?"_

"_I pushed for the relationship. I…"_

"_I wanted it as much as you did," he said sounding angry. _

_She wasn't sure where the anger was coming from._

"_I knew there were risks but I didn't care until now," she said. _

"_What do you mean?" he asked._

"_I'm worried about you," she said. "I don't care about me but…"_

_She watched as he tried to hide his emotions._

"_Sara you're more important to me than any job."_

_There was silence between them._

"_Let's eat," he said pulling out the chair for her. "You'll need your medicine soon."_

"_Griss, I don't think I need it. The pain is manageable."_

"_As long as you take the medicine…Sara don't argue."_

"_I'm not….are you alright?" she asked._

"_I'm fine."_

"_You know I say that when I want to lie."_

"_I'll remember that," he said._

_She picked at the food as she tried to hide the sudden discomfort she felt. She wondered if there had been more internal injuries than she had been told. Her body was tender and sore but she was happy to be home. She was home with Grissom._

_She disappeared into the bedroom but he was soon there._

_She turned and practically ran into him._

"_I was going to take a bath."_

"_You'll need your cast wrapped," he said._

_He began the bath and then wrapped the cast._

_She smiled when he was finished._

_He gulped when he saw that smile._

"_Gil?"_

"_I like it when you smile," he said._

_Her hand caressed his cheek._

"_I'm happy…to be home with you."_

_He heard the phone and glanced at the tub._

"_I'll be fine. I won't drown…sorry bad choice of words there," she said._

"_Wait…I'll be right back," he said._

_He knew she wouldn't wait. He could hear her already trying to unbutton the blouse and cursing when she could not manage it with one hand. He grabbed for the phone quickly._

"_Grissom."_

"_How is she?" asked Brass._

"_She's good…hasn't said anything…I'm not sure she remembes," he said. _

"_Are you going to tell her?"_

"_When she's ready…not now," he said._

"_I'll tell the others…make sure no one says anything…we'll keep this to ourselves."_

"_Thanks Jim."_

_He returned to find she had managed to get undressed from the waist but the blouse remained._

_He stepped up and undressed her in record time._

_She frowned as he grinned. "Practice came in handy."_

_He helped her get in despite her protests. He had not seen her fully undressed since the ordeal and he forced himself not to react. There were bruises and scrapes over most of her body. She caught him staring and she became self conscious trying to sit up to hide the majority of the bruises but the pain in her abdomen forced her to lie back down._

"_I'm going to be here awhile."_

"_I don't mind."_

_She bit her lower lip and stared at him._

"_The bruises will go away," he said. "Blue and green are two of my favorite colors."_

_It made her smile. She finally relaxed and closed her eyes. _

_Several minutes went by and she winced._

"_Are you in pain?" he asked._

_She nodded._

"_Arm?"_

"_My stomach," she said. _

"_It'll be better soon," he said._

"_Why…" her eyes shot to him. "Bleeding…did I have internal injuries?"_

"_Your pelvis was bruised…it caused some bleeding…nothing to worry about…just going to be sore for quite awhile."_

"_I didn't feel it when I walked," she said._

"_Adrenaline I suppose. Sara, you did a lot of things during those hours that defied explanation. The doctors are still baffled over yours lungs."_

_She accepted his explanation._

_She winced once more._

"_Let's get you out of there," he said._

"_Not yet. I need to wash my hair," she said._

"_Sara that can wait. You need…"_

"_I can still feel the sand in it. I'm going to wash it," she said. She stood and stepped out of the tub as she headed toward the shower._

_He attempted to help her but she refused._

"_I can do this," she said._

_She turned on the water and stood for a moment letting the water rinse off the bubbles from the bath. She reached for the shampoo and once again found herself struggling. He said nothing but undressed and stepped into the shower with her._

"_I can do this," she said._

"_Yes, you can but I can do this faster…let me help," he said kissing her neck. He squeezed some shampoo into the palm of his hand and then softly began to wash her hair._

_She moaned softly. "This feels good."_

"_I'm glad you like it," he said as he continued. Once it was done, he conditioned it and then rinsed it. He let his hands sift through her hair over and over. He ducked his face into the water when he felt the tears come. He stepped back and pulled her into his arms. He could feel her shoulders shake._

"_Sara? Are you okay? Are you in pain?" he asked quickly._

_She shook her head._

"_What's wrong?"_

"_Not sure," she said. "Just hold me."_

_He gently pulled her as close as he dared without hurting her. The water started to turn cold and he quickly shut it off. He grabbed for some towels and began drying her off._

"_I can do this," she said._

"_I know…Sara I need to help," he said. "I need to feel you….to touch you and know that you're fine cause I'm having trouble dealing with this…this knowing that I almost lost you…that you almost…" he stopped suddenly._

_Her hand pulled his head down and she kissed him._

"_I think we're both a mess right now," she whispered. "We're going to get through this."_

_He nodded pulling her body up against his. _

_She let him follow her around from room to room until she was convinced that nothing had changed since she had been gone. It had only been a week and yet it seemed longer. The pain intensified and she headed to the bedroom. She lay down on the bed and placed a pillow between her stomach and the bed as she tried to lay on her side. He disappeared and then returned with glass and medicine. She took it without complaint and the pain returned to a dull ache._

"_Better," she said softly._

"_Try to sleep," he said._

_She was already asleep and he sat there watching her until he was convinced no harm would come to her while in their bed. He slipped out of the room and began sorting the mail that had stacked up. Brass had come by each evening to grab him a change of clothes and deposit the mail inside the house. He leaned back into his office chair and tried to control the trembling in his hands. It was not like him to let his emotions take control. He had always been in control and yet he found himself failing miserably._

_He glanced at the clock and was glad that she had been sleeping for a couple of hours now. She refused to let on but he knew she was in pain. _

_He told himself she just needed rest and time._

_In time the bruises would be gone as well as the cast and then she would be back at work and when the time was right, he would tell her. He rehearsed the speech in his head but with each try he found himself breaking down. He berated himself for his weakness telling himself that she had done the impossible and the least he could do was to make her life as normal as possible._

_He grew concerned when Hank came to the door and whined. He stepped out and practically fell over the dog trying to get to the bedroom. One touch and she was jerking away from him as she struggled to breathe._

"_It's just a dream," he said over and over. "It's just a dream."_

_The sheer terror in her eyes brought him to his knees as he tried to comfort her but she would have none of it. She pushed him away and jumped out of bed causing her to grimace._

"_Sara…"_

"_It's just a dream," she repeated as she stood there shivering. "Just a dream."_

_She wasn't sure why she burst into tears but it made her angry and she hurried from the room. He was right there on her heels followed by the dog. She searched around in the hallway until she found Hank's leash and called him. He came immediately wagging his tail._

"_Sara, you can't take him for a walk," he said._

"_Yes, I can."_

"_No…"_

"_I need normalcy, Griss. I need normalcy or I'm going to go crazy."_

_They stared at one another._

"_Are you going to fight me on this?" she asked. "Cause if so, I want to see those instructions. I should be able to walk a dog."_

"_You can't go…not like that," he said pointing to her pajamas._

"_Shit," she said softly._

"_Dress and you can go," he said softly._

_She went back into the bedroom and began pulling out clothes. She noticed immediately how most of her blouses were pull overs. She grumbled as she tried to remove the pajama top. He stood there quietly and let her try until she was so frustrated Hank inched away from her. He then came over and unbuttoned the blouse for her. The pullover was not an easy task but he knew the cast would soon be shortened making it easier for her._

"_Just give it time," he whispered._

_She nodded._

_She started to change her bottoms when she felt the same uneasiness and she stood there without moving. She said nothing but she knew his eyes were locked on her every move._

"_You…walk him," she said as she handed him the leash._

"_I can…"_

_She glared at him and he took the leash glancing back from time to time to see if he could see what was wrong. She did not move a muscle until he was gone. She then sat down on the bed and tried to breathe but could not get her breath. She glanced over to the bedside table and saw the inhaler sitting there. She made her way over to it and breathed in deeply. It didn't seem to help and she repeated the procedure. She felt a release then and she sat back down on the bed and decided it was best to sit and not move about until she was breathing better. Minutes later, she heard the door open and then Hank came running back._

"_You didn't walk him," she said._

"_We ran," he said. _

"_Around the block?" she asked._

"_We cut a few corners but we made it," he said panting._

"_Un uh," she said._

_He saw the inhaler in her hand and sat down immediately._

"_Trouble breathing?" he asked._

"_It's better," she said._

"_How many times?" he asked quickly._

"_Twice," she said._

"_Any pain in your chest?" he asked._

"_No…."_

"_I need to know," he said. "You have an appointment with a lung specialist in a couple of weeks. They wanted to give it some time to see how your lungs progress."_

"_You should go back to work," she said._

_He stared at her oddly._

"_You just got home."_

"_I've fine."_

"_You can't even dress yourself," he said._

_She fumed. "I can. It'll just take me a little longer with this cast."_

"_I ask off for a couple of weeks."_

"_No!"_

"_Sara…"_

"_I can be here by myself," she said._

_He stared at her._

"_Two weeks," he said._

"_One," she said._

"_Sara…"_

"_Gil, the lab needs you back there. I need…"_

"_What do you need?"_

"_I need to know that we're going to be okay…we're going to get back to normal again."_

"_We're okay…things will be normal again soon, I promise."_

"Things were not normal," she said.

"I tried," he said. "You pushed me out of the house on the fifth day and I went back to work. You…uhm didn't seem to be getting better sitting at home by yourself. I was glad when you went back to work."

"I thought it would help. It didn't. It made it worse."

"You going to swing didn't help," he said. "Our schedule became a blur and we rarely saw one another."

"I wanted to strangle Ronnie," she said.

He grinned. "She really did like you. She thought you left because of her."

The storm continued outside.

She scooted closer to him.

"Gil?"

"Yeah?"

"I can't go back," she said.

Note from author:

This is a very long chapter. I hope it will hold you until I can post early in the morning. God Speed!

Take care,

Penny


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter Twenty:**

He stared at her as the thunder made a loud noise.

"What do you mean, you can't go back?" he asked suddenly.

"I can't go back to the way things were….we didn't talk…really talk," she said.

He sighed. "I know…we can change that. I promise. We'll talk…every day."

He leaned down and took her lips into his and then he let his hand caress her breast as her breath became ragged not from lack of oxygen but from the intensity of their lovemaking.

"The next time there's a storm, remember I love you Sara. Remember how I made love to you," he whispered as he entered her slowly. She pulled him fully into her despite his attempts to go slow. She met each thrust and focused solely on loving him rather than the storm that raged outside. With each thrust, she rose higher and higher and with each clap of thunder brought her closer to the brink of ecstasy. She felt herself letting go now and he was falling with her. As they lay there now, he started to roll away but she kept him in place, needing to feel his body next to hers. He kissed her lovingly on the lips.

"You should sleep," he said softly.

"You're the only person I've ever loved," she whispered.

The room was lit up by the lightning. He watched for her reaction but she smiled.

"I could get used to this kind of distraction," she said.

He grinned. "I may have created a monster."

She slipped out of bed leaving him to sleep. The storm had passed and now the sun was out. She took the phone and stepped outside on the deck and called him.

"I hope this is Sara and not Grissom," said Brass.

"It's me," she said with a smile.

"How've you been kiddo?" he asked.

"Not good…I'm getting better….so is Grissom," she said.

Brass was quiet for a moment.

"I know Jim. I should say, I remember…about the baby," she said.

"He wanted to protect you….we all did," he said.

"I know."

"How is he?"

"He's been working his way through the loss…finally."

"What about you?"

"We've been doing it together," she said staring up at the chapel.

"Any more news about the wedding?" he asked.

"Wedding? It seemed so long ago," she said.

"We were waiting for a date," he said.

"I'll uhm talk with Grissom," she said.

"About what?" he asked from the doorway.

"Brass asked us about a wedding date," she said.

"We could get one today….let them know," he said. "You up to this?"

She looked at him and smiled. "I've been waiting for nine years."

"I guess we better get a date," said Grissom smiling.

He stepped back inside to let her finish the conversation in private. When she returned, the aroma of blueberry pancakes filled the air.

She grinned when he held up a plate.

"Interested?" he asked.

"Yes….very interested," she said.

She was surprised when he disappeared while she was taking a bath. He returned shortly with a slight grin on his face.

"Where have you been?" she asked.

"I got us a date at the chapel," he said.

"When?"

"In one week," he said.

"One week? What if they can't…."

"They're coming. It seems Brass as well as the guys and even Catherine are calling in a lot of favors. They'll be here Sara."

"I don't have a dress," she said.

"We'll buy one," he said. "I need a suit."

"A week?" she asked again.

"You're not having second thoughts are you?"

"No…I'm just a bit…."

"Overwhelmed?"

"Yeah…in a good way," she said.

He leaned down and kissed her forehead.

"We'll need to meet with the minister at the chapel."

"Father Joseph?"

"I don't think that's the name the secretary mentioned."

"But I want him to marry us," she said.

"Why don't you ask him," he said.

She smiled as she scooted back into the tub.

"You coming out of there any time soon?" he asked.

She shook her head.

She began to squeal when he stepped into the water.

"You have your clothes on!"

"I can't wait," he said.

Sara laughed as his lips descended on her neck. He kissed her fully on the lips but found her pushing him away.

He stopped and stared at her a bit startled.

"One week," she said.

"Sara…"

"It's just a week," she said.

"But…"

"Seven days," she said.

He sighed as he stepped out and then into the shower turning on the water. He gasped when the cold water hit him.

She giggled through the whole scene as he stood there yelling, "One week of cold showers."

She felt like a child as he refused to let her leave the table until she cleaned her plate. Once it was done, she was grabbing a jacket and then out the door. He stood and watched as she made her way up the hill and then entered the chapel.

He cleaned the kitchen and then sat down on the couch with a book and intended to read it from start to finish. She rarely returned within a couple of hours but she came back in less than an hour this time. He jumped up the moment he heard the door open. Her footsteps were heard on the wooden floor as she shuffled toward the bedroom.

"Sara?"

She didn't respond but kept her eyes focused on the bedroom. He went after her and found her rummaging through the bedside table.

"Did you lose something?" he asked.

"The book…the book Father Joseph gave me," she said. She was now on all fours and looking under the bed. "I can't find it. I had it. You saw it!"

"Yes, I did," he said.

"This is just a misunderstanding," she mumbled.

"Sara?"

She rested on the floor as she leaned against the bed.

"Sara?"

Finally responding, she asked, "What?"

He held up the book. "I was reading it."

She reached for it now as he held it out to her. She grabbed it and opened it to the front cover.

"See!" she said pointing to the writing.

"He inscribed the book to you," he said.

"I can't find him!" she said letting the frustration seep through her words as she held the book against her chest.

"What do you mean you can't find him?" he asked.

"I went there and I couldn't find him. I asked around but no one knew who he was," she said.

"I'm sure he's…"

"I checked the church directory and spoke with the owners…no one knew Father Joseph."

They stared at one another.

"There's just a misunderstanding," he said. "You've been talking with him practically every day."

"No one recalls seeing me with him," she said. The woman at the desk thinks I'm nuts…"

She glanced at him and then at the floor.

"Flaky…but not nuts," he said.

It made her grin.

"You saw him….that day he came when I was out on the deck..."

"I didn't see him," said Grissom.

"What about the time I went into the chapel and you came in there later and sat in the pew. We were in the choir loft."

"I only saw you….you came down," he said.

"This is crazy," she said.

"Sara, it's just a misunderstanding," he said pulling her up. "I'll go back with you."

They talked with everyone.

No one knew Father Joseph.

Sara left him standing inside the chapel while she slipped out and sat down on a bench.

"Sara has been coming here just about every day," said Grissom.

"She comes and sits….she goes up to the choir loft quite a bit," said the lady.

"You never saw her with anyone?" asked Grissom.

The woman shook her head.

"He came to the villa and gave her this book," said Grissom letting the woman take the book. She stared at it.

"We sell these books in the gift store…still I don't know who Father Joseph is."

She handed the book back to Grissom.

He stepped back outside and sat down beside her.

"No one has seen him, have they?" she asked.

"No…Sara…."

"It's fine," she said getting up.

"Are you okay with this?" he asked.

"Am I okay? I just spent the last several weeks talking with someone who doesn't exist," said Sara.

"He existed for you," said Grissom.

"Yeah….in my mind," she said.

"I don't believe that," said Grissom grabbing her arm.

"Then what happened? How do you explain…"

"You needed a father. You needed a father who knew about carpentry," he said.

"What are you getting at?" asked Sara.

"After the nuns had the chapel built they realized that a grave error had been made and there was no entrance to the choir, they prayed to St. Joseph. One day a man appeared and…"

"Built the spiral staircase but left once it was completed without asking for payment," she said. "Father Joseph told me the story."

They stared at one another.

"You think I've been talking with St. Joseph himself?"

"You told me yourself, he knew things that you hadn't told him. What do you think?"

She was quiet.

"Father Joseph said you talk about me all the time. I thought he had spoken with you."

"I do speak about you all the time…in my prayers."

She turned now and stared at the chapel.

"Sara, does it really matter what happened? He was there every time you needed him. You came back from those visits feeling so much better than when you left."

He slid his hand into hers and walked her back to the villa. She glanced a time or two over her shoulder as he whispered. "You can still talk with him."

She knew what he meant.

She spoke to him that night and the next and the next.

She even went back to the chapel and sat there in the pew and talked softly to him thanking him for his support and telling him how grateful she was to have Grissom and that she felt that soon she would feel well enough to try again. Grissom was willing. All those weeks of worrying how he would react and he was urging her to try…not that it could replace what they lost but perhaps she would feel whole again.

Note from author:

I will be flying in the air soon so here is your post for today...as soon as I get into my hotel I will try to post one more time. I will try to finish up the story on Thursday since we have someone graduating on that day! Don't forget the reviews. Take care, Penny


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter Twenty One:**

They arrived together. There were talks about the road trip which left them in hysterics as they talked about accidently leaving Greg at a gas station and not realizing it until he called them on his cell. There was the matter of the dog. Sara was a bit worried when Greg said that Hodges had agreed to babysit Hank.

"You told him about his need to slobber and drool and his obsession for leather shoes," said Sara.

"Most of it," said Greg.

She frowned but it was soon replaced with a smile when she was fully embraced by Brass. He took her by the hand and they walked away leaving the others to head into the villa.

"How are you kiddo?" he asked.

"Good," she said.

"Listen, I was wondering if I could give you away?" he asked.

"You would?" she asked.

"Warrick, Nick and Greg are going to be best men…I'm still trying to visualize that but I told Grissom I wanted to walk my daughter down the aisle," he said.

She kissed him fully on the cheeks and then they stood there holding each other as they whispered how much they had missed one another and how difficult it had been to be apart.

"You look good…you look happy," said Brass.

"I am," she said with a huge grin on her face.

"Good cause now I want to chew your ass out for leaving the way you did. It scared the hell out of us not to mention Grissom. Don't you ever do that again," he said.

"I won't," she said pulling him in for another hug.

He smiled at her as they headed back.

"Jim?"

"Yeah?"

"He wants to try again," she whispered.

"What about you? What do you want?" he asked.

"Me too," she said with a goofy grin.

"Going to be some honeymoon," he said. "Guess it's too late for the birds and bees story, huh?"

"You're not serious? Of course, I've never heard that story so why don't you…"

"Not a chance," he said. "I just thought I would throw that in and make it sound so nostalgic."

They both laughed.

He wasn't prepared to be kicked out of the villa. She packed his suitcase and had Greg take it to the car.

"Sara…"

"You're not supposed to see the bride before the wedding. I'll meet you there tomorrow," she said with a light kiss to his lips.

"Is that all I get? I have to share a room with Greg and you give me a slight peck on the lips?"

She pursed her lips and grinned.

He felt his heart melt.

"Actually, you have a room to yourself…I don't trust Greg or Nick with you the night before our wedding. I would trust Warrick but he needs to be here to make sure the other two don't get into anything."

"You mean…"

"They're staying here," she said.

"Why can't…."

She kissed him once more but this time he felt her tongue parting his lips as she deepened the kiss causing the air to suddenly get warm and he stepped back.

"I should leave now," he said.

She glanced down and smiled. "Yes, you should….don't stay up too long."

He glared at her and she chuckled closing the door.

"What do you want to do on your last night as a single lady?" asked Catherine.

"Sleep," said Sara.

"Uhm that's not what I was looking for but we can accept that," said Catherine glancing at the others.

"Really? Okay, how about ordering a really fattening pizza and then maybe a really bad movie so Greg can make fun of it. Warrick, Nick and Brass can overeat pizza while you and I discuss erogenous zones," said Sara.

They gawked at her.

"Okay, so I already know how many…"

"How many are there?" asked Greg.

"Who's up for "cops"? I think it's on tonight," said Nick.

"You have to be kidding right?" asked Brass.

"There is the small matter of you being my bride's maid," said Sara.

Catherine smiled but then frowned. "That usually means I have to wear some crappy dress the bride has picked out."

"You can choose…there's a shop just up the street," said Sara.

Catherine smiled, "I could go for a shopping spree…do we get to use Grissom's card?"

"Yes but since my name is attached to that card, let's keep it reasonable."

The girls disappeared for a few hours as the men decided it was safer to stay at the villa.

"Wonder what Grissom is doing?" asked Warrick.

"What did you do on the night before your wedding?" asked Greg.

"I worked."

"Let's hope Grissom is not doing that," said Nick.

"He's probably sleeping," said Brass.

They glanced at one another.

"You know he seemed a little upset that Sara sent him to a hotel by himself," said Nick grinning.

Warrick and Greg suddenly had the same goofy grin.

"If you guys are thinking about doing something stupid with Grissom, I'm not involved," said Brass.

"I guess we'll have to rely on our own conscious…too bad. You could make sure we didn't cross the line," said Nick.

"Or spread the blame if we do something dumb," whispered Greg to Nick who chuckled.

Brass stared at the three.

"Warrick, you wouldn't let them do anything…."  
"Of course not…besides, Grissom probably won't go out with us anyway," said Warrick.

"We'll just have to take the party to him," said Greg.

"I don't like this," said Brass as he grabbed his hat.

"You don't have to come along," chided Nick.

"Yeah, right. Somebody will have to bail you guys out of jail," muttered Brass.

He was surprised when there was a knock on the hotel door. He grinned suddenly when visions of Sara came to mind.

_She can't wait…_

_She's snuck away…_

He quickly opened the door and frowned.

"What are you guys doing?" he asked.

"That's no way to treat your friends…we thought we …"

"Sara doesn't trust you guys with me," he said glancing at Brass.

"Don't look at me. I'm just here for bail money," he said.

"Sorry guys. I have no intention of screwing up this late in the game," he said.

"Griss, it's tradition," said Nick holding his hand out to block the door.

"I'm breaking tradition so Sara doesn't break some of your bones," said Grissom.

Brass chuckled. "She would too."

"Just a few drinks," said Nick.

"No," he replied.

"Okay. How about some strip joint…do they have these here?" asked Greg.

"If Sara heard you say that you wouldn't be standing," said Brass.

"You know Griss, you're supposed to buy your wife something special for the honeymoon…you know you two haven't mentioned the honeymoon," said Warrick. "Don't do what I did…got married and didn't make time for that."

"Honeymoon?" asked Grissom.

"You can't be serious?" asked Brass. "You did plan something special, right?"

Grissom looked guilty.

"Good thing we came," said Warrick. "You've got a few hours to fix this."

"Fix?" asked Grissom.

They grabbed him and took him to the car but Greg stopped them just before they were going to thrust him into the back seat.

"Wait," he said as he began to pat Grissom down.

"Greg, what are you doing?" asked Grissom.

"Making sure you have your wallet," said Greg.

"Stop touching me," he warned.

"Touchy, touchy, touchy," said Greg stepping back in case he decided to throttle him.

He sat between Nick and Warrick as Brass sat in the front seat. He wasn't sure whose idea it was to let Greg drive. He drove a short distance and then pulled over and grinned.

"This should do," said Greg.

"It has to be tasteful but…well we'll know when we see his reaction," said Brass.

They exited the car and stepped into the shop. Grissom stared at the contents.

"You see something you like?" asked Nick with a grin.

"I do," said Greg. "I never had a date who wore anything like this." He held up a pair of shiny silk stockings.

"You never will…wait unless you choose to take that prostitute up on her offer," said Nick.

"So funny…like you have any offers these days," said Greg.

"I have a few," he said with a grin.

"We'll be sure and tell Mandy," said Warrick.

"That's not cool," said Nick suddenly serious.

"I guess we just figured out who Nick is buying for," said Brass.

Grissom continued to stare at the clothing in the shop.

Brass whispered into his ear, "Close your mouth."

He glanced at Brass. "You mean husbands are supposed to buy these things for their wives?"

"Oh yeah," said Warrick. "Women love this stuff."

"I'm not sure Sara would wear some of this…" began Brass.

Grissom grinned for a moment but then quickly removed it from his face.

"I think Grissom just let something slip," said Greg.

"I think you want to be injured on this trip," replied Grissom.

Greg stepped further away.

They spread out in the shop. Greg took refuge in the edible section while Warrick and Nick sought out the matching undergarments.

Brass played it safe and looked at the gowns. He chuckled when he found a few that were elegant in the front but when flipped around, there was visibly no backing.

"Gives a new meaning to second glances," he muttered.

Grissom became engrossed in the gowns. He held up an elegant gown.

_It would look beautiful on her…_

_Of course it wouldn't stay very long on her body…_

_Still…_

He fumbled through the sizes. A clerk came over to stand next to him.

"Can I help you?" she asked.

"I'm not sure about the size," he said.

"Where what are her measurements?" she asked.

He rattled them off instantly and the others chuckled.

"And we thought he was just a bugman," said Nick.

The clerk ignored the others and handed him the size he needed.

"You have very good taste," she said. "Might I suggest these to go with the gown?"

She held up matching undergarments.

Grissom nodded.

"Nice!" said Nick.

Warrick whistled while Greg gawked.

Brass suddenly coughed and then mumbled something.

"What's wrong?" asked Grissom. "Don't you think she'll like it?"

"Yes, she will…it feels weird shopping for something for someone you love like a daughter," said Brass.

Grissom smiled, "I'm shopping for …"

"The only person you've ever loved," finished the guys.

"It's perfect," said Brass.

Grissom was pleased with his choices. The clerk wrapped the purchases and they started to leave when Grissom stopped and looked down into a glass case.

"Can I see that?" he asked.

The clerk removed the necklace and handed it to Grissom. It was a beautiful locket. He purchased it as well.

They stood now outside the shop and glanced at one another.

"Well, this outing was harmless," said Grissom.

"We're not done," said Nick.

"Yes, we are," said Grissom. "I have a honeymoon to plan."

Nick frowned. "Any ideas?"

"I thought we would go see the ocean," said Grissom.

"Hawaii?" asked Greg.

"San Francisco," said Grissom.

"Why there?" asked Brass.

"It's where we first met. It's where we fell in love," he said.

"And I didn't think you were romantic," said Nick.

She was standing there with arms folded when they stepped into the villa. One look and they were frightened.

"What did we do?" asked Nick defensively.

"Exactly what I was going to ask! What did you guys do?" asked Sara.

"We went shopping," said Brass sitting down.

"I expected this out of them but not you!" she yelled.

"Sara, calm down…" began Nick.

"What did you do to Grissom?" she asked.

"We took him shopping," said Nick with a smile.

She glared at him and he stepped back. Greg yelped when Nick stepped on him.

"What condition is he in?" asked Sara.

"Sara, relax. He's fine."

"His wallet is little a lighter but he's fine."

"What kind of shops…did you guys go down to that cantina with the…"

"It was all innocent," said Brass. "He purchased you a gift."

"A gift?" she asked softly.

"Yes…for your honeymoon," smiled Greg.

"Honeymoon? We never talked about…"

"He's back at the hotel planning it now."

"Oh…oh," she said with a goofy Sara Sidle smile.

"What happened to the fattening pizza and the really bad movie?" asked Greg. "I'm starving."

"It's on its way," said Catherine with a smile. "Beer anyone?" She was trampled by the guys as Catherine handed one to Sara.

"No thanks," she said with a smile. "I don't need it…or want it."

"How about a nice glass of tea with me?" asked Brass.

"I'm sorry…you know for thinking…"

"They tried…he was determined to not screw up. You would be proud of him."

"I am," she said.

She stood there and smiled as she watched them cackle over the movie. It was entitled "Groundhog Day." She chuckled a few times herself and thought Grissom would find it humorous as well. She slipped out of the room and closed her bedroom door. She dialed his number.

"I miss you," she whispered.

"Same here," he said.

"Tired?" she asked.

"Yes…I'm going to turn in early," he said.

"The guys are still watching a movie. Gil?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you," she said swallowing the lump in their throat. "The words don't seem to say enough."

He smiled imagining her lying there on the bed.

"I love you too…you can show me tomorrow…after we're married…but then we've already been married haven't we?"

"Yes…I could never imagine my life without you," she said.

"You are my life."

"Don't make me cry…Jim has done it a few times already," she said.

"Happy?"

"More than I deserve."

"Sara?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you smiling?"

"Yes."

"Good…I've missed your smile."

"Night Gil."

"Night Mrs. Grissom."

Her smile deepened.

"It's that huge smile…isn't it?" he asked softly.

"Yep," she said.

"Wear it tomorrow," he said.

Note from author:

I have arrived in New York! I am posting before heading out to mingle downstairs... I hope to finish up the story tomorrow to celebrate Addy's graduation! Have a happy day Addy! I am currently writing on a new one...have written ten pages already...I so need therapy...or a ghost hunt but that's not until Friday so I will mingle with the other ghost hobby folks and then secretly sneak back up here and write some more. Leave a review!

Take care,

Penny


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter Twenty Two:**

She thought that if she ever married, she would be nervous.

She wasn't.

He thought that if he ever married, he would be nervous.

He wasn't.

The others were nervous.

They stood there fumbling with their ties and then examined their vests, their zippers and their shoes. Brass was the only person who seemed unaffected. He was calm.

"Aren't you nervous?" asked Greg.

"I'm not getting married," said Brass.

"Good point," said Nick.

"I think it's the whole atmosphere…standing in a church…before a minister…before family and friends…hoping you won't do something stupid like pass out or throw up," said Brass.

"Someone always gets that on video," said Greg.

"You better not throw up," warned Nick to Greg.

"Hey, I didn't even puke in my first autopsy…I'm not going to puke at Sara's wedding," he said.

"You think Grissom is nervous?" asked Warrick.

"He's been waiting for this day for nine years," said Brass.

"You know they never have told us how they met…or what happened in San Francisco," said Greg.

"Maybe when you're older, they'll tell you," laughed Nick.

"Yeah, like you know," said Greg.

"They met at an entomology seminar," said Nick.

Greg looked at Nick and then Brass.

"Is that true?" asked Greg.

"Ask Grissom," said Brass.

Greg turned around to see Grissom standing in the doorway. They whistled at his black tux.

"Nice…very nice," they all chanted.

"Sara and Catherine took off for the church an hour ago," said Brass.

"I know. Sara called me," he said with a grin.

"So Grissom…we have some time," said Greg. "How did you and Sara meet?"

"I gave an entomology seminar in San Francisco," said Grissom.

Nick grinned as Greg made a face.

"So what did she do in order to get the only A from you?" asked Greg.

Grissom ignored the barb but continued to lean against the doorway and stare up at the chapel.

"She was so beautiful…sitting there with her hair in a ponytail. Her smile took my breath away. She asked so many questions…some made me think…I would no sooner give her an answer than she was posing another question. I thought she was with this guy that sat next to her…I envied him. She came up to me at the end of the lecture with more questions. I stood there and answered them until the room was empty except for the two of us. I knew she was nervous…she was over talking. It was cute. She finally asked me to dinner," he said.

"You turned her down," said Greg.

"I said yes," he said. "I picked her up that evening…an hour early…I was nervous myself. We took a walk before dinner and held hands. I always remembered the feel of her hand in mine…so soft…so comforting. During dinner we talked about anything and everything. Each time she tilted her head and flashed that huge smile, it took my breath away. I knew right then that I loved her. I couldn't explain it. I just did…I always have…always will with my last breath. We went to dinner every night that I was in San Francisco. I never felt so alive…I didn't want to leave but then the seminar ended and my flight was the next day. We took one last walk on the beach. A man took a picture of us…I kept it by my bed all these years. Sara kept it hidden in her locker before putting it safely away in an entomology book I had given her for Christmas one year," he turned and glanced at them when he realized they were so silent. "I uhm bought her a single red rose that night from a violinist…she keeps it in her poetry book."

"Why…did you wait all these years?" asked Greg.

The question had been on all of their minds.

"I uhm…didn't think I deserved her," he said swiping at his eyes now and clearing his throat. "I've waited nine years for this day gentlemen. If I die tomorrow, I'll be the happiest man that ever lived."

Brass looked away as he sniffled. "All I've got to say is…it's about damn time."

The others smiled and then began slapping one another on the back. It was strange and awkward but they continued to do it as if they needed the pat on the back.

They arrived together at the chapel.

Grissom stood there in his place and he closed his eyes when the music began. When he opened them, Sara stood at the entrance. He grinned when she wore the huge smile he had requested. He had always adored her smiles. It covered her face. It felt warm and inviting and safe. Her hand was held firmly by Brass. Catherine strolled down the aisle and she winked at the guys lingering where Warrick stood before coming to a stop. He had waited so long for this moment as he saw her slowly make her way to the front of the chapel.

_We've been through so much…_

_Endured each other's hurts…_

_Loved each other secretly…_

_Loved each other passionately…_

_Loved each other sacredly…_

Her eyes had been fixed on his until she glanced up toward the choir loft. It was as if she saw someone standing there. She stopped and looked up. Her smile faded a moment but then returned as she continued the walk towards him.

Their vows were said and then the I dos and then he was kissing her and then there were the many congratulations as they headed out of the church. They started toward the door and Sara turned to look one last time at the spiral staircase. Her eyes followed the spirals to the top and then rested there. He glanced at her and then followed her eyes to the choir loft. A man in a robe stood there and waved. Sara waved back. As they stepped out, Grissom leaned forward.

"Who was that priest?" he asked.

"Father Joseph," she said with a smile.

"Father Joseph? Why didn't you go and talk with him?" he asked suddenly.

"I do…every day," she said with a glint in her eye.

He glanced back and the loft was now empty.

His eyes searched the interior of the chapel but he was nowhere.

The reception was held back at the villa. Tables had been set in the outside garden area. A man with a violin was playing. She smiled when the man handed her a rose.

"You know, I still have that rose you bought for me in San Francisco," she said.

"I know. It's in your poetry book," he said.

"Are you going to tell me where we're going?" she asked.

"I just gave you a hint," he said.

"San Francisco?" she asked.

"Our flight leaves in the morning…we could try out for the mile high club if you'd like," he said with a grin.

"No thanks," she said. "I want to enjoy my honeymoon rather than getting bailed out of jail."

He grinned.

"Any other details?" she asked.

"A nice beach house on the water," he said. "Just you and me, Mrs. Grissom."

She smiled.

He held his hand out and she stood as he took her in his arms and they danced. He smiled when he noticed a slight tear threatening to fall and he quickly wiped it away as he kissed her.

"Happy tears?" he asked.

She nodded.

"I always want you in my arms," he said. He leaned in and kissed her fully on the lips. There was a clapping of hands and she blushed.

"Brass wants to dance with you," he whispered.

He stepped back and Brass took her hand.

Grissom watched as Brass held her whispering softly into ear as she laughed.

His chest tightened at the sight. The short time they had been there, her health had been restored and she had regained the lost weight. Her eyes were bright and shiny and the dark circles no longer existed. She still had her moments of melancholy but she had learned to come to him and he had learned to notice what was most important in his life, Sara. He felt someone beside him and glanced over to find Greg.

"You should dance with her," said Grissom.

"I will," he said. "I just wanted to watch. It's nice to see her smile again….you know that huge smile she has that covers her face. I've always loved that smile."

"Me too."

"She's uhm really happy again. I didn't think she would be…she seemed so sad after…you know. Anyway, I'm thankful. Take good care of her," said Greg.

"I will Greg. I promise," said Grissom as he shook the young man's hand.

He stood there and watched as each of the guys danced with her. Brass and Catherine pulled him over to a table. They attempted several conversations but he was content to watch her dance. She would glance at him from time to time and he would smile.

"She seems to have worked through the miscarriage," said Catherine.

"We're getting there," said Grissom softly.

"What about you?" asked Brass.

Grissom looked at them. "We're getting there," he said again.

They decided to not to mention it any further. The inflection in his voice told them it was still too painful to discuss. He stood crossing the floor and whispered something into her ear. She smiled and then her hand sought his.

"You ready?" he asked.

She nodded.

They said their goodbyes again promising they would keep in touch.

One more hug and then they were gone.

Sara suddenly stopped, "Where are we going?" she asked.

"I made reservations in the honeymoon suite at the hotel," he said. "Our flight leaves out early in the morning."

Brass dropped them off at the hotel. He kissed Sara one last time. "Take care of each other. Call me if you need me," he said. He turned and shook Grissom's hand. "I'll drive the Denali back and park it at the townhouse. Hurry back soon."

She smiled, "I've never flown with you."

"Something new," he said with a grin. "Are you sure you don't want to try out for the…"

"No, that can wait until we get to San Francisco."

Sara giggled when Grissom carried her into the hotel suite. They took no time in finding their way to the bed. It was different this time. They both felt it. His finger twirled the wedding band around on her finger.

"I love you Mrs. Grissom," he said.

She smiled.

"Promise me you'll wear that smile a lot for the next couple of weeks."

There was no need to promise. She could not seem to stop smiling ever since the wedding. Their flight was pleasant. They were soon on their way in the rental. When they arrived at the beach house, Grissom unloaded the suitcases and then stepped into the house. It was a small one bedroom house located directly on the beach. They stood out on the deck looking out over the ocean.

"I missed this," she said breathing in deeply. "I used to love to walk along the beach."

"I remember you telling me," he said.

He took her hand and they began to walk. It was a warm sunny day. He turned and looked at her.

"You know when we go back we're going to have to deal with the jobs again."

She nodded.

"We need to talk about what we're going to do," he said. "I don't like sleeping without you."

"Gil, they're not going to let us work on the same shift," she said.

"Do you want to go back to the lab?" he asked.

She had honestly not thought about it.

"I uhm don't know," she said.

"Sara, you don't have to go back," he said. "Do what makes you happy."

"I thought about teaching," she said.

"You would be a good teacher," he said.

"What do you want to do?" she asked.

"I want to make you happy," he said.

He meant it. He had built his life around the lab but now his life was Sara.

She kissed him sending the electricity soaring through their bodies.

"We should get back now," he said.

Her hand gripped his and they returned to the beach house. They unpacked making haste so that they could spend the remainder of the day in bed.

"I could teach at the academy," he said and he glanced at her hesitantly, "so could you."

She blinked.

She had not thought about the academy. She would be training new recruits.

"The lab would lose both of us," she said.

"The lab can survive without us," he said.

"What if it doesn't?" she asked rolling over on her stomach and hugging the pillow. "What if it drops from its position as the second best…"

"The lab is not my life."

"It's what you worked for all these years," she said.

"No, it wasn't. I just did a job…a job I believed in."

"You won't miss it?" she asked.

He knew what she was doing. She didn't want him to leave because of her.

"I like what I do. I love you."

"You don't have to leave it because of me," she said.

"I want to do what's best for us," he said.

"Then don't leave," she said.

He stared at her.

"You working at the lab is not going to bother me. I may even want to return one day…not yet."

"You have plenty of time to think about what you want to do," he said.

She smiled.

_Time…_

_Time for us…_

She kissed him.

Note from author:

I will be busy ghost hunting today so...I am posting two chapters back to back as a graduation present to one of my readers, Addy. Happy day girl! You are on your honor to give a review for each chapter so don't disappoint.

Take care,

Penny


	23. Chapter 23

**Chapter Twenty Three:**

She slept in.

She had been doing a lot of that.

Ever since they returned, she had been sleeping in. She glanced at the clock and frowned. Sleep came easily to her now.

There were little or no sleepless nights.

They both had seen the difference in her sleep habits since their return.

The nightmares rarely came anymore, making him feel less guilty about working a double every now and then. He had sat down with personnel when he returned and discussed his conditions for returning to the lab.

They had listened and agreed.

There was little else to do.

That is, if they wanted to keep Gil Grissom.

He wanted days.

It surprised everyone, including Sara and himself.

He felt he had been living in the dark long enough.

While he had been off, he had grown accustomed to the light and what it had to offer, life.

There was also the matter of double shifts.

They wouldn't do.

He would work them sometimes but it was not to be expected.

He also insisted on having Greg on his shift.

He would have insisted on the others but Warrick was content to work with Catherine and Nick was on his way to swing supervisor.

Changes were good, sometimes.

Her hand reached out for his body and found cool sheets.

By the sound of the townhouse, she was certain that he was gone.

She sat up in bed and called Hank.

She could hear his claws clicking along the wooden floors making his way to the bedroom.

She patted the spot next to her and he was there immediately.

He panted and a bit of drool sloshed on her leg and she frowned.

"Just you and me," she said.

She yawned as she slipped out of bed and stepped into the bathroom.

She rummaged under the sink until she found the package she had purchased the other day. She pulled out the contents and stared at it. She didn't expect it to happen so soon. She told herself that she was just over reacting. She was only a few days late.

She breathed in deeply as she followed the instructions and then set the test strip down on the sink. She decided she could not sit there and just wait. She opened the door and came face to face with him.

"You were supposed to be gone," she said quickly.

"I took the morning off," he said softly.

"Oh."

He attempted to step into the bathroom but she pushed him out.

"Sara…"

"Breakfast," she said.

"You want breakfast?" he asked.

"Yes," she said suddenly. "Why don't you go make some pancakes?"

"Pancakes," he repeated staring at her intently.

"Please?" she asked.

"Come and help," he said.

"In a minute," she said.

He started to walk out when he said over his shoulder, "I think you can look now…it's been long enough?"

Her head snapped in his direction, "What?"

He turned and grinned, "The pregnancy test…on the sink…the one you got the other day and put under the sink."

She frowned.

"Want me to look?" he asked.

She shook her head.

She stepped back into the bathroom and picked up the stick.

It had only been a month.

They expected disappointments.

She promised not to become obsessed with it.

He promised not to let her get obsessed.

They each promised not to let the hurt back in.

She swallowed the lump in her throat.

Despite the initial shock all those months ago, she had wanted that baby.

She had wanted that more than anything.

As soon as she had seen the double lines on the stick, she felt different.

But, then it had been taken away and the feeling was replaced by emptiness.

"Sara?" he called.

"In a minute," she said trying to compose herself.

He sighed.

He knew she would get obsessed with this.

He knew that if the test was negative, she would be disappointed and hurt.

It was the reason he had taken off so he could be with her.

"Come and help me fix breakfast," he said.

"You go ahead," she said. "I'll be there in a minute."

"You okay?" he asked softly.

"Yes."

"Sara, it was just our first month, there…"

"Gil, I'll be there in just a minute, I promise."

The door had been shut and he knew not to open it. She needed the space.

She heard his footsteps and was relieved that he was leaving.

She needed this moment for herself.

She took it.

He looked at her as soon as she appeared in the kitchen. The pancakes were almost done and she began to set the table, setting out the glasses of juice along with the coffee. She poured him a cup. They sat down to eat. He watched as she took several bites and then drank some juice.

He wondered if she was trying to avoid a conversation.

"We have the morning together, what would you like to do?" he asked.

"I'm kind of tired. I thought I would go back to bed," she said.

He stared at her. "You feeling okay?"

"I feel great."

"You didn't say too much about your appointment with the lung specialist," he said.

"He said my lungs are good…another follow up in three months," she said.

"Good," he said.

They finished the pancakes.

"You uhm need to talk about this? We agreed we wouldn't get obsessed over trying to get pregnant…Sara it's just the first month, we can keep trying," he said taking her hand into his.

"Come back to bed with me," she said.

They put away the dishes and then returned to bed.

He pulled her into his arms and pulled up the covers.

"Sara…"

"It was positive," she said.

She felt his body go stiff.

"Gil?"

He moved like lightning.

She grinned as he hurried into the bathroom and found the pregnancy stick still sitting on the sink. She watched as he grabbed it and then returned to the bed. He turned it over and stared at it.

"Kind of takes your breath away…doesn't it?" she said.

He looked at her and saw the single tear drop.

"You happy about this?" he asked.

She crumbled into his arms.

He held her tight.

"Sara?"

"I remember that uhm day I took the test…I'd been sick and told myself it was the reason I was late but I was very late," she said sniffling. "I sat there and stared at it for at least an hour."

He kissed her tenderly on the forehead.

"I wanted him," she whispered. "I wanted him the moment I saw those double lines."

"I know," he said softly.

He lay back down in the bed with her as his hands still clutched the stick.

"When I lost him…I blamed myself…I never should have let Natalie get the upper hand…but I was too excited…I knew that in just a couple of days we were finally going to have a day off together and the ultrasound was scheduled and you would know."

"I remember you called me Gilbert," he said.

"I was happy," she said.

"Happy now?' he asked.

She was silent a moment.

"Sara?" he turned to face her.

"Father Joseph told me it would get better over time," she said.

He swallowed hard.

"Has it?"

"I uhm don't feel empty anymore…I never thought that would ever go away."

He kissed her gently.

"Gil?"

"Yeah?"

"You happy?"

_Happy?_

He was happy and scared and worried and excited and suddenly very protective.

"Very happy…you should schedule an appointment with your OB…I'll come with you."

"I'll phone this evening," she said.

"You should have her run your blood work…you may still be anemic…the sooner you begin prenatal vitamins…"

"Gil?"

"Hmmm?" he said as he continued to stare at the stick.

"You're uhm not going to become obsessed with this…are you?"

He turned to look at her. "Me? Obsessed?"

She frowned.

Three months later:

"It's a boy!"

They stared at one another.

He wiped away her tears of joy as he hugged her.

She whispered, "I told you so."

She wiped away his tears.

"Yes, you did," he said softly.

"Did you hear her?" she asked.

"Hmmm?"

"She said I was doing great…so stop hovering."

Three months later:

"Sara, stop that," he said.

"Just one more," she said as she reached for another potato chip.

"You've eaten enough. The salt can't be good for you…have you taken your vitamins?"

"Yes," she said as she slid down into the floor and began to play with Hank.

She stopped and pulled herself back up.

"He's doing it again," she said.

She pulled his hand down to her abdomen.

He grinned.

"Poor fella has a lot of hiccups…could be the potato chips," he said.

"Catherine and I are going shopping with Lindsey tomorrow for a prom dress."

"Don't over do it."

She smiled.

He was so overprotective.

She didn't mind.

They just had three months left.

She could put up with it.

Note from author:

One last chapter... be nice and leave the second review...

Take care,

Penny


	24. Chapter 24

**Chapter twenty Four:**

Three months later:

"He's being stubborn!" she complained.

"He'll come when he's ready."

"I think he's decided to stay in there…why not…it's nice and warm…no reason to leave," she said yawning.

"I thought you liked being pregnant," he said.

"I did. It's nice…all good things must come to an end," she said.

He grinned.

Their conversation had sounded like this for two weeks.

He was overdue.

The doctor had stated he would induce labor if Sara did not go into labor by next week. She had objected saying that he just needed time but now she was growing tired. It was difficult for her to sleep and her small frame ached from the weight.

"I could stay home today," he offered.

"Go to work," she said.

"You sure?" he asked.

"No reason for you to stay…not contractions…nothing," she said.

He kissed her on the lips and then left.

She rolled herself off the couch and began picking up. She grumbled at the things out of place. She dusted and then swept and then did the laundry. She was putting away the dishes when the doorbell rang. She opened it to find Brass standing there.

"I was in the neighborhood," he said with a smile.

He was.

Grissom and Sara had purchased a house just a few doors down from Brass.

"He already left for work," she said.

"I know, he stopped by," he said. "Guess I'm not going to win the baby pool,"

"You guessed today?" she asked.

"Yeah," he said with a grin.

"Sorry to disappoint you but he's not coming out today…I think we'll have to resort to eviction," she said.

Brass looked around, "Been cleaning?"

"I'm on a cleaning spree," she said.

He smiled.

She finished the dishes as he stood and chatted about work.

"Grissom doesn't tell me much," she said.

"He's protecting you."

"Still, I worry about him," she said.

"Don't. He's fine. I think the work keeps his mind off the baby…he's a bit obsessed."

She grinned.

She was glad someone had noticed.

A strange look crossed her face as she stared at him. He wasn't sure what it was.

"Sara?"

She looked down at the puddle in the floor and then looked up at him.

"My water just broke," she said.

His grin was huge.

"I just might win that baby pool after all," he said.

Grissom grabbed the paperwork from the inbox and groaned.

He hated paperwork.

He had gotten better at finishing it on time but still he disliked it.

He reached for his phone.

"Grissom"

"It's time," said Brass.

"Time for what?"

"Sara and I are on our way to the hospital. Her water broke." There was a silence.

"Gil?"

Another silence.

"Gil?"

"Is she alright?"

"She's doing great."

"Good…I'm on my way."

"Are you okay?" he asked suddenly.

"No…but I will be…as soon as she holds him," he said.

He let his fear out.

He had practically held his breath during the entire pregnancy and he was relieved when she opted to work part time at the lab so he could keep an eye on her.

She held nothing in and he held nothing back.

There was the elation she got when she solved a case and she enjoyed working with the others again. There was always the fear that something would go wrong. With each doctor appointment he stood by her side, holding her hand as he listened to their son's progress. Now, the wait was over. He breathed in deeply and found himself praying as he did every day that the baby and Sara would be fine.

"I'll take good care of her," said Brass.

He arrived almost the same time, meeting them at the entrance. He grinned and kissed her as they helped her into a wheelchair.

"Any contractions?" he asked.

"Two," she said.

Grissom glanced at her.

"How far apart?" he asked.

"Let's just say I'm definitely going to win that baby pool," said Brass.

He left them as the nurse began the process of checking them in.

"I'll let the others know," said Brass.

They sat in the room and watched the monitors as he timed her contractions.

"You're making progress," he said. "Almost too fast."

She glared at him, "Not fast enough!"

"They can give you something for the pain…are you sure you want…"

"No, I'm not sure. I've never done this before…here's another one," she said between clenched teeth.

She gripped his hand tightly.

It hurt.

She was strong.

"I'm going to get the nurse," he said.

"It's over…it's fine…I don't need the epidural," she said.

"Sara…"

She was gripping his hand again.

It was not time for another contraction but yet she was having one.

She held on tightly as she finally gasped for air.

"This hurts," she said as she braced herself for another one.

"I'm getting the nurse," he said.

He buzzed the nurse as another contraction hit.

The force of the contraction frightened him.

He was about to go after a nurse when she stepped in.

"Let's see how you're doing," she said.

She glanced at Sara and then she was up and out the door. Several other nurses arrived.

"What's going on?" asked Grissom nervously.

"Sara's fully dilated. We need to get her to delivery now," said the nurse.

"I want an epidural," cried Sara.

"It's too late," smiled the nurse. "It's almost over," she assured her.

Sara gripped Grissom's hand tighter.

"Don't let go," she said.

"I won't," he said.

He let go.

The nurse dragged him away and made him put on scrubs. He was back within minutes.

"I'm sorry," he said grabbing her hand again.

"It's fine," she said.

"No, I didn't mean to let go. She made me," he said.

"Gil…"

"I never would have let go…"

"Griss…"

"I had to put on these scrubs…"

"Gilbert!"

It got his attention.

"It's okay…really. I understand."

He smiled weakly.

"I think we're a mess again," she said.

He nodded.

"Gil, the baby is going to be fine…me too," she said.

He swallowed hard.

She recognized his fear.

"I promise," she said.

He leaned down and kissed her.

"I love you…always have…always will," he managed to get out.

She smiled this time as the contraction began again.

"Sara, don't push yet," said the nurse.

She didn't.

She closed her eyes and focused on the pain.

It was intense.

It hurt.

She didn't mind.

She would be holding him soon.

He would be holding them.

It was almost done.

"Sara?"

She opened her eyes and found herself in the delivery room.

"Now, when I tell you to…"

It seemed there was no time for instructions, the baby had his own agenda.

The contraction began and Sara pushed.

Another followed by another and then wailing.

She opened her eyes and they stared at him.

He did what all babies do and wailed but then he stopped the moment he was placed with her.

She counted his fingers and toes.

Grissom came up with the same number.

He was perfect.

Grissom held them as she predicted he would.

She smiled at him as the baby closed his eyes and slept.

She smoothed out the covers on the bed as she sat there and watched him hold the baby. He walked around gently talking with him as he rocked him in his arms. There was a glint in his eye each time he watched for the baby's reaction.

It caught her breath.

She was sore and worn out but the pain and discomfort could wait.

She wanted to sit and watch as father and son got to know one another.

He was good.

He cried very little and he seemed fascinated with Grissom's voice.

The door opened and the others came in.

She smiled as Catherine tried to jostle the baby from Grissom.

He was not ready to give him up.

Catherine was persistent.

"Let me hold him," said Catherine.

"He's almost asleep," said Grissom.

"He's wide awake," she replied.

Catherine frowned as he walked over and sat down in the rocker with the baby.

Nick leaned down and kissed her on the cheek.

He then made his attempts of getting the baby.

He sighed when Grissom refused.

"I've held lots of babies," he said.

"I haven't," said Grissom. "I'm not ready to give him up just yet."

Sara tried to hide her smile.

"Have you even held him?" asked Catherine to Sara.

Sara smiled at Grissom.

She had held him in the delivery room and then some in the room but Grissom had for the most part taken over.

She didn't mind.

She felt he needed this.

She was content to watch his over protective ways now being focused on the baby.

She knew if she asked, he would bring him to her.

Brass stepped in with flowers.

"It's the least I could do since I won the baby pool," he said. "How are you kiddo?"

"Great," she said beaming.

"Let me hold this godson of mine," he said as he reached for the baby but was denied the privilege.

Brass frowned. "Didn't Sara teach you to share?"

"Yes, she did….with her."

They stared at her.

She sighed.

She knew there would be other moments for father and son.

"Gil, could I hold him?" she asked.

Their eyes locked.

He stood and brought the baby to her, placing him in her arms. They huddled around to see him.

"He looks like Sara," said Greg.

"He looks exactly like Grissom," said Catherine. "He even has those curly locks." Catherine reached out and took one between her fingers and watch it spring back into place.

The women exchanged smiles.

"I think he has Sara's eyes," said Nick.

"What are you talking about? Those eyes are going to be blue just like Grissom's," said Warrick.

Brass stood there quietly.

"Who do you think he looks like?" asked Catherine to Brass.

"The resemblance is uncanny," he said. "He looks exactly like me."

The End.

Note from author:

Thanks for reading along. I enjoy the reviews left behind. I will post again soon so please place me on your author alert list so you will be notified. I promise you won't regret…it's going to be good… P.S. I left the baby's name up to you...you name him...of course I was going to name him Joseph but I still prefer the name of "Matthew" for their child...I am so pathetic...Hey! I saw Nagara Falls today...now off to meet the ghost hunters that have arrived.

Take care,

Penny


End file.
